SILENT LETTERS [a satire]

On ‘Observing’ and ‘Being Observed’:-

Have you watched the movie Django?? If you haven’t you must be the only non-mlami this side of E.Africa that hasn’t, so put off your TV, stop watching Citizen and find a pirated copy to watch (duh! They are ALL pirated so stop lying to yourself and your shildrens…)

…But he (Django)would say, ‘ I have observed there are 42 tribes in Kenya…. The ‘4’ … (pause)..is silent..’

Things I have Observed:

Following the vote-counting process has been like taking a small single-engine plane to either Mt. Kilimanjaro or over the Rift Valley in really rotten weather. One second you’re up, the next second you’re down, the shift nauseates you, you don’t know which results to believe, conferences are cancelled last minute, GoverWho’s? are celebrating while the rest of us are still…. awake like zombies with Compound Eyes, waiting…, at the back of my mind is the fear that someone will say something really really stupid that will spark off a raging forest fire, I’m on my knees half the time, my nails are fake so I can’t chew them, the rest of my time I’m eyeballing Citizen or K24, and LHMercy, I have never in my life been so addicted to TWEETS!!

Other Things I have also Observed:-

Kenyans are blind and want to be blind and believe in blindness. This is a good thing, because we (all 42) are actually listening to each other when we advice one other (2, or 42?) to ‘have faith’ and ‘be patient’.

I looked up ‘faith’. It means ‘believing in what you can’t see’.

I looked up ‘patient’. It means ‘ bearing pains or trials CALMLY or without complaint’.

#Kudos2Kenyans. Give yourself a huge pat on the back. We are, most of us, practicing Patience, so add a ‘Dr’ infront of your name on your business card. Eg:-

Dr. Dre

Practicing Patience &

Blind Faith Clinic

(Note: If you need help with your patience or faith just sing out really loud ‘I need a Doctor’…) because practicing blind faith and leaning on patience is one of the hardest things on Earth to do. Trust me, I am a certified Doc.

Plus, I am proud to say that I am blind, I hold on to the belief that we shall continue being a peaceful peoples and nation in the days, weeks, months and years to come.  Please don’t prove me wrong dude, Sasa…..

More on Observing:-

….will someone please tell me where on Earth THARAKA-NITHI is?

I hear it’s a good place to go. Domestic Tourism.. Yes, I am asking where it is despite my claim that after staring at THAT MAP, you know, THAT MAP which changed colour every 5 seconds – THAT MAP, eeh, yah, I stared at THAT MAP for so long bila blinking that I can now draw, without tracing, all the counties in Kenya and name each one of them.

Well, THARAKA-NITHI eludes me.

But I would still get 50 + 1% on the map exam….. and now I know my mathematics, eerrrr… equations. Even if you add a y factor to the equation. Like (y= 50+1%)SEAT or should it be v+y(50+1)%=MV where v=votes and MV=Majority Vote??? Yes, now I don’t have to sing to Superman’s Theme song when helping my son with his Grade 7 math homework.. (Somebody heeeelP ME!)

Further Observations:-

… I will search for T.NITHI on Google international.

Eeh, sorry, google.ke.

Is Google a (media?) Can we trust Google? The Kenyan Media is doing a terrific job while we’re largely ignoring inflammatory remarks from the Internationals. Another #Kudos. You’re either with us or against us.

And guess what?? I can now also count fluently in Swa upto one million and I’m not blanking-out when the anchors say ‘nokta’.

Tuko pamoja??

On 'Being Observed':-

Hmm, my pet peeve this week is that while the 42 tribes have been lining up and voting, then waiting patiently for selected members of the 42 tribesmen to count first digitally then later manually (yaani, ukweli, the world has been moving from manual to digital and we’re doing the opposite!!#HatuWesMake) the results of whom of the 2 got the most votes for the 4^th Prezzo Seat, guess what, some irresponsible dude is trying to sell off a piece of Gazetted Land of Kenya to some ‘Internationals’ for a paltry* sum of money.. oops, did I say land? Maybe that’s why it’s being sold, because it’s not Land pe se but a part of the ocean, a marine park, as in ocean, sea, maji, waters -  yup…

screen pic of Private Islands online

But, it still is within Kenya’s Boundary, even though it’s a bit of land in a lot of water, it’s still ours. Do you know a good shark that can look into this pro-bono?? Email me or tweet on #KeSaveKISITE. Plus be sentimental for a sec and check that nice pretty pic on the side, isn’t it amazing?? I reeaally wish  I was a RB right now coz I’d buy that Island just to keep it in KE.

More on 'Being Observed':

So, what have you been doing while the majority of the silent ‘4’2 have been glued to their sets?? Hmm?? Mama’s asking.

Have you been good or bad, or very - very bad?

Hmm….

Have you been at play, while the cat’s been away?

The individual selling the Marine Park gets my 100% BAD tick in the box. He’s not being… transparent. Someone spotted him.

Observation: What matters is your level of transparency when it’s dark, no pun intended. Are you see-through in the dark? Invisible? If I shouted MULIKA!! at you this past week, would someone spot you and shout MWIZI?? Who have you caught grabbing transformer oil (..but y lie, those chipos are tamu!!)

I think that is what really decides who you ARE as a person, an individual - it denotes your character. Why be good when you’re being watched? It proves Zero. Nothing. Zilch.

…. Noticed anything fishy going on in your home or workplace apart from the boss being away and turning into a couch-viazi?

2 things to think about:

1. The International Community is watching us. We’re being good. What would happen if they weren’t watching? Or if KE was still in the Dark Ages (Before Twitter, FB, B4 report hate lineSMS and #KOT) Would we be still be governed by blind faith and patience?

2. Only Women should be Presidents. Because on top of everything else, they still do housework and clean up whether they are watched or not.. and if they can’t do it they employ someone who can, and pay them with the husband’s money. Or if they can’t do it during the day they do it at night.

A Final Observation:-

Ok, now, please check these numbers: It’s a test

5,829,279

4,859,698

Observe them closely…..the NUMBERS

AGAIN.

Repeat them in Swa.

Now, if you have nowhere near those numbers in your ka-bank account in Ksh(and hell, I know you don’t) then haaiya!! twende kazi ! Because in the end it’s what’s in your BA that counts and that is no BS.

(1)Stop breaking the Mututho Law, Mututho has already been broken and thrown out…(2) sleep arrears is not a bank account and if it’s true that it takes 7 days to break a habit, then all our thieves have been re-habilitated as they can’t burgle your house while you’re all awake…. So, can we agree to be transparent in the dark and go back to work, Kenyan workers for Kenyan bosses and Kenyan Bank Accounts, and build our beautiful nation? After all, it belongs to 42 of us, no silent letters.

THE END

((Ladies you’re exempt from that last remark as we’re good at doing things in the dark and still remain invisible… sorry-Transparent)

*I use the term ‘paltry’ because MPUNGUTI KISITE MARINE PARK is described as priceless

© NYAKIO MUNYINYI-OKALLO March 2013 for The X-Pensieve Report.