Who's the Cat??

Straight out chit chat from the right flank. Or left -  if you’re left handed – but this is true, isn’t it?? Lmao. Comments!!!

So this thing about men being like dogs and chickas like cats is all erroneous and downright counterclockwise – I think it’s the other way round – Yap, women are like DOGS and men are the CATS…..read on…

 The Faithful Pooch

Have you ever seen a chika new in love – and btw - it doesn’t matter how old or young said female is…!!?? She hangs around her man like a dog.. tail wagging incessantly ..following her man everywhere. As long as she’s around him, she’s reasonably content. She stands still and chill when they’re together and he meets a buddy, she sits quietly where he sits, is patient, listens quietly even if she has no idea wtf he’s saying – she will sit in a car chilling, or sit in the bar, listening to him with his ‘boys’. A gal, like a dog, assesses situations carefully. She checks out her mans friends, sniffing them quietly. If she doesn’t like them, like a dog she will tolerate them on his behalf, but won’t go out of her way to make friends. If she likes them, well, she’s just plain friendly to them, to the point that like dogs, the owner looks at his friend and asks, ‘it’s wat my ka dog likes you so much?’  lmao!!

But if the dog outright continues to growl low in the throat - you know that low low growl - yap, women have them too – letting the man know without a doubt – I don’t like this friend!!  Women have that ‘way’ about them, just like dogs. of telling her man uh uh – but, if he insists, she reluctantly settles down and lowers her hackles – but still keeps a watchful eye – not on her man – but on her man’s buddy…

By the way, have you noticed how dog owners calm down visitors to their homes – when the dog rumbles? It’s a two-way discussion – to the dog, it’s ‘calm down! This is a friend!’ and to the visitor it’s – ‘ she’s all bark and no bite – let her sniff your hand’. Then there’s the proverbial question before you visit your buddies house, “mbwa kali yupo?” in reference to… duh..the madam….

Lmao!!

Women, like dogs, are predominantly loving but also very protective of their ‘owners’  - growling and displaying an ugly flank when any perceived suspicious person approaches their man. Here we’re talking about strangers. Read: Women. When a female comes to your door and mama opens the door, it’s like, ‘who are you? What do you want? You’re from where? You know my man how?...... they tend to protect their boundaries from – new dogs – these new dogs aren’t allowed anywhere near her man or home… there’s a pissing boundary and other dogs ain’t allowed to cross that pee line - and if they insist – wah, it’s a real bitch of a dog fight!!

But.. she can hang out with her former gal friends to kingdom come  - if she can escape the house she will be all over the neighbor hood having the time of her life with her buddies, and… when it’s time to part ways jioni,  they don’t all troop into her compound… uh uh… they go their separate ways.. Weird, women are also extremely faithful - when you kick your poor dog it crawls back to you, belly down. Over and over again.

Leave a dog at home and when Mr. Owner comes back the dog is all over him, jumping, barking, wagging it’s tail and running round in circles, like ‘’I’m so happy to see you!!” They don’t care that they might make your suit all muddy.. they’re just happy to see you… a gal in love with her man jumps on him when she sees him… like a dog, she runs in circles around him, making him dizzy, exuberant in her excessive temperament, welcoming him home, fetching slippers and asking for hugs, plus kisses on her sweaty smelly nose coz she’s just stepped out of the kitchen. Ignore her and like a dog… she will whine and retreat with a mournful face, looking over her shoulder at you. Later on she will cautiously approach you, sit near you, quietly assessing your mood, hoping and waiting for a single pat on the head…

Other ways gals be like dogs…. every so often, they are loud and incessantly noisy. Barking endlessly  - especially when you need some peace and silence. When the moon is up… oh man oh man, do your neighbors dogs keep you awake as they wail all night… am I wrong?? Hahahahaha!! Sorry ladies, but when tantrums hit, gal-friends and boyfriends alike are kept awake with the relentless howling and wailing …. Phone calls, whatsapp or facebook chats, click click click – ding! Incoming messages! Click click click! Ding! (or whistle on your Samsung..) don’t be surprised if a gal calls you at 2 in the a.m. with a horror story that you’re supposed to listen to!! Or read!! Lmfao!!

Women, like dogs -  love bones - weka ‘gifts’ hapo.  Give a gal a gift and she’ll wag her tail and bend over backwards on her knees for you (or forwards..) – and the bigger the bone the happier the dog. Women thrive on attention, on loads of petting (yap!) and they love ‘treats’ - especially surprise treats… and oh!! If you leave her with a real huge and agreeable treat, and disappear for a couple of days, she’s quite chill. But leave her bila food and necessities -  and – acha, when you get home and open that door, dude that bitch can eat you alive!

The Kool Cats

Niggas be like Kool cats. Cool, calm and collected… A cat is never ruffled. Ever. hmm, unless... it's been chased by a dog - but normally a cat is a cool character.. And most cats are so into themselves. Hours. Hours. Hours… have you watched a cat grooming itself… men quietly groom themselves – and (unlike women) they don’t make a fuss about it – they will just do it. You notice new shoes, haircut, new shirt, new car – bought very quietly. Bought ‘Alone’. Cats and Niggas be loners in certain situations. They don’t hack interference. Uh Uh. Especially when stalking prey – they do it with feline grace. First they observe their prey. Quietly. They go all still while their one-track-mind is focused and wah, when a cat jumps on the prey – it hardly misses.

But when it does….Lmao!! That cat is so frustrated!! Hahahahahahahahaaa!! Gets a funny look on it’s face, like, how did I miss THAT fine piece of … mouse..?? LMAO!!

Niggas -  like cats - also know how to retreat appropriately. If it’s dangerous, cats retreat. They won’t go there. At all!! Other ways that cats are also very still and silent is like your man - you won’t know when he's home. He’s over by the corner or in the study or whatever… quiet, doing his thing. Cats though - they can be sneaky. And devious – you never know what’s on a cat’s mind. You might think – cat’s with me… you turn around and the cat is up a tree and you didn’t even know how it got there. Tee hee hee!! And the Nine lives?? Niggas be reckless like crazy!! If it can be done, dude will do it. The wackier the deed – the better -  Mind you, curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought it back. Again and again.  Lmao… does that remind you of some guys you know? You wonder, why does he even do that?? They go places and do that whacky wild stuff or chase the impossible chick or quit work suddenly - actions where you’d think they would die but they emerge smiling - hitching their pants up and kabisa practically crooning.. or rather – purring….

Ladies, ‘Fat’ cats are content, especially the ‘house’ ones - they won’t eat the … mouse in the house (in front of you .. take note), but there won’t be rats or lizards or any nasty stuff in your home either. And if you ‘tame’ him enough, he’ll be content to stick around the house. Feed him, groom him. Give him everything he needs and he’ll always come home and even purr when you tickle him under the chin or just rub his back. But even then, sorry, he’s thankless.. he’ll take off once in a while and you may notice that the neighbours new batch of kittens kinda look like your cat!! Now, if you have a special breed of cat, you might seek compensation… but you’ll need Proof that that’s your precious cat’s bloodline!!! Hahahahaha!!

Cats also sleep a lot.. and dare you wake a cat up from it’s nap… it will look at you, move to another spot where you can’t get at it… and …. sleep.. but, it may wake up and disappear at night.. after all cats, like most guys, are nocturnal.

A gutter cat is a gutter cat is a gutter cat. You can’t tame it. Ever. Take that dude home and girl… wow, trouble!! They are bad news… first off, they will look at you suspiciously every single move you make. And will steal from you while looking at you sideways  -  plus  - they will leave every night, coming home in the wee nocturnal hours and sleeping the whole darn day. Have you lived in a housing estate where - when the cats are in heat you can’t sleep for all the screeching?? Lmao. What’s the name of the song?? “the Neighbours’ know His name!!” That’s your man in there and no… he doesn’t give a damn – you go collect your cat and you may end up being scratched. You see… unlike dogs, you kick your cat, or pull it’s tail, or try to train it - it doesn’t matter how long it’s been your cat, it will draw your blood. Dudes, like cats, resent restrictions and whether it’s a street, gutter, or fat cat – read human male -  you can’t tie a cat down – Hell NO! Cats are faithless, arrogant and proud, just like many a dude… if a cat stays in your house, it’s because it desires to, not because you’ve tied it down.

And if that cat leaves, it rarely, if ever, comes back…

And finally… have you ever seen a dog when it’s chasing a cat?? It’s ferocious… and if the cat is lucky, it springs up to a level where the dog can’t pounce on it …. When being chased, that cat has the same darn expression as a dude who is running from marriage or some chika he doesn’t want to be with…!!! Hahahahaha…. If the cat gets to a tree branch or roof top where the ‘bee-aich’ cannot… it looks at said dog with a cool guise like, ‘uta-do??!!’

As for the dog.. if it catches the poor cat, woiyee, what follows is sad .. basically that cat’s life is over - metaphorically and figuratively... But if it doesn’t, the ‘poor’ dog sits under the spot where the cat has leaped for safety and howls like crazy because…. Well…the cat got away!!

Lmao…

www.old-print.com

Nyakio J Munyinyi for The xPenSieve Report © January 2014

When She Wants Sex More Than He Does

Is it possible??

That women may want sex more than men?

At first, I was going to throw this onto my Facebook profile… then I was like… No…. this needs to reach a wider range of men and women. Note: It’s not my post, it belongs to Huffington Post, so I will only add the link here and the following short paragraphs: 

Ladies, it was an eye opener for me. Like Open-Wide With Matchsticks-When-You're-Sleepy- Wide… and one of the comments was so personal – as in it’s like I wrote it – and it sent shivers down my back!! How many times have I heard men making derogatory and painful comments about women - to their face - who enjoy or adore the sex act, or who have a high sex drive?? And how often have women with lower libido's joined in and laughed at their sisters?

• ·      Malaya
• ·      Ho
• ·      Can’t marry her/can't trust her
• ·      Achana naye!!
• ·      Irresponsible
• ·      Loose...etc.
•  

But this isn’t a shame article:- it’s a ‘It’s not only her/me’ article. To highlight a relationship problem. Yup, so what it boils down to is that if a woman does have a high sex drive, and her partner (and his crew) is of the thought that it’s ‘bad manners* for mama watoto’  to ask for a steamy ALL night jiggy-session…. * bad manners meaning she’s taken ‘dawa’ or ‘she’s a ho’ – then the unfortunate mama ends up thinking she’s sick, mental or insane… when in actual fact, she’s just  –  hornier than you and simply (or complicatedly) needs some good loving!!! people  -  this is a worldwide tendancy, so don’t you men say uh uh - that it doesn’t happen in Kenya/East Africa.. It does. It crosses borders, continents, gender and age -  there are men out there who really really don’t give a damn. A bang once a year is enough -  if too much, So… ladies (and interested guys)…

Click the link below and read...

tafuta matchsticks...

Psst!! While your comments will be highly appreciated, foul language will not be tolerated.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/05/02/sex-confessions-women-want-sex-more-than-men_n_3203879.html

The Huffington Post  |  By Emma Gray

Posted: 05/03/2013 12:36 pm EDT  |  Updated: 05/03/2013 3:22 pm EDT

Nyakio J Munyinyi for The xPenSieve Report © January 2013

BLOODY LOVE

Hmmm…. So, I’m having this intellectually stimulating conversation about relationships with a male pal when he divulges, ‘but J, you bleed too much in your relationships’, and I was like –

Hmmmm….

And here I ask you dear reader, what is so wrong about a bloody relationship?

I’m not a Barbie, never have been – I just didn’t play with enough dolls when I was younger – blame it on my Dad who didn’t want my mother to give me the only products in the stores back-in-the-day – a ‘white dolly’. He was totally against the idea that his beautiful black girl should be seen hugging a ‘white’ toy, or that he or my mother should spend a single hard earned shilling on such nonsense. Instead I got dumped with cars and trucks and lego bricks and … books.

So I never did do the whole ‘Barbie-doll’ feeding thing, washing, dressing, hugging, coddling, kissing, caring, nurturing, tea party shee-bang that most little girls went through. Instead I was outdoors carving roads of mud for my Matchbox ® toy cars and scrambler bikes.

And later, I hung out with the boys because the girls insisted on their Tea Party Meetings, whereas I was befuddled by such gobbledygook and preferred kicking a soccer ball in impromptu matches with the sons of the Cooks and Gardeners and male Couzo’s wherever we went visiting as a family.

The dramatic Queen Bee emotions that fuel many a Drama Queen were unbeknown by myself – and – happily – by a good ¾ of the Kenyan boy.teen.male population. Why? Because girls develop these emotions over relationships as they enter their teens and emerge from boarding schools fully entangled in Mills & Boon and Danielle Steele novels.  Seriously, if English Literature covered Mills & Boons 99% of girls would get A+ and they could begin careers either as writers of Soap Opera’s or the now defunct HallMark Romance TV channel.

Meanwhile, the male species is thankfully separated from all this drama by being enrolled by wise fathers in segregated all-boys-boarding-schools where football, rugby and other ‘Ruff n Tuff’ physical activities are the order of the day, and hence, when they emerge, fresh and newly certified with ‘KSPCE’… their first honest long term contact with the female species is – either in the work place, or in Campus.

Lmao!!

A male friend told me years ago that when he emerged from years of boarding school and joined Campus he was nonplussed by the unrelenting pressure of emotions emitted by the female species, plus the constant incessant ‘howling’ - and in a frantic effort to survive, he retreated. Became aloof, reserved and disconnected from all females… tapping when necessary but keeping emotionally detached.

Put in that fairly simple context, maybe you’all realize why dealing with the opposite sex becomes too much of an issue and the simplest choice becomes – no fight. In fact, the more chilled and bloodless a relationship, the better – it’s ‘civilized’ and ‘neat’ and ‘tidy’. But I think that’s pure bosh.  If you can’t fight FOR love what’s the point of living through a cold ‘tidy’ unemotional relationship. Kwani, what are you? 

A piece of furniture that’s buying another piece of furniture because you will ‘match’ and ‘go well together’? Lmao!!! Seriously, where do you stand? How much effort do you put into a relationship that you think is worth your time and effort? We’re not talking about ‘chips funga’ or  taps – I’ve seen enough Bees and Niggas spending tons of dough for the sake of the chase, period, then drop it like it’s hot a few weeks later after they’ve wrung out every last drop of physical gratification. No. I’m asking you about those once in a lifetime ‘I wona be with this one for a long time and do the family thing’. (forever after is for Fairy Tales..), so - would you bleed for her? Stress the preposition. Not with her but for her, once you get past the shock that females nowadays are mostly Barbies….and gals, once you get past the fact that all guys are dogs…

So, would you bleed for him or her?

Would you go out with a sword plus bunched up fists and Tae-Kwondo leg kicks and take Life head-on? 

Lady Fate courtesy of: http://antipodeanwriter.wordpress.com

Real dirty fights where you battle with that Lady Fate

and with the nasty dude called Time who hurtles time-bombs at you, the sudden revelations about his or her past, the stresses of their psycho family and whispered innuendoes, the illnesses, the crippling financial setbacks, the heart aches, the intense worries, the need for deep silences and fast get-aways that are almost impossible to find ….. should I go on ..no, you fill in the rest… So, can you fight that particular war?

Because it’s a war. It’s a LOVE war because nature doesn’t accept that love can last, at least not in these times, and couples are torn apart by LIFE.  To hold onto your chosen choice of life partner, the minute you make that decision that, this is SHE – or HE - the war is on.

Wars are bloody, as is a good physical satisfying fight - a good boxing match may leave you with a black eye, a broken nose and a bitten ear… whoops Year, or two, or three, or ten, where you wonder, what happened to TIME?  You wake up one morning and realize Time has vanished, and you’re torn up and worn out and washed-up emotionally…because – well, your relationships are emotion-less. Are you ready to fight and get down and bloody for your relationship? Are you ready to bleed for it? To take the punches and give back better and harder? Because I believe that we get a certain sense of satisfaction for doing so. Fighting for one’s happiness and joy instead of giving in to tantrums or being so cold that you turn away when the going gets tough -  basically letting life punch you into a corner – and the ref declares a ‘knock-out’. And for those of you who say, ‘it hurts!!’… well duh! Of course it hurts, when did blows not hurt? Life doesn’t hold back her punches, never did. So, rethink your relationships. Run like a Kenyan marathon runner away from any relationship if you don’t want to get hurt. Or buckle up and get training and ready for a bloody bleeding fight.

As for the gals, a word.

There is this song that amplifies what a load of girls have done for years – don’t be cheated that it’s a ‘recent 1990’s’ girls hangups -  it’s an ‘ATT’ that’s been there since time immemorial (read Adam and Eve) and this girl is totally gone in her head - before, during and after endless howling and weeping sessions …. Read these lyrics below and tell me if you can’t think of at least 3 chikas who you know that are in this type of depressive state:-

"Waiting For Superman"

She’s watching the taxi driver, he pulls away

She’s been locked up inside her apartment a hundred days

She says, “Yeah, he’s still coming, just a little bit late

He got stuck at the laundromat washing his cape”

She’s just watching the clouds roll by and they spell her name like Lois Lane

And she smiles, oh the way she smiles

She’s talking to angels,

Counting the stars

Making a wish on a passing car

She’s dancing with strangers,

Falling apart

Waiting for Superman to pick her up

In his arms, yeah, in his arms, yeah

Waiting for Superman

She’s out on the corner trying to catch a glimpse

Nothing’s making sense

She’s been chasing an answer, a sign lost in the abyss,

This Metropolis

She says, "Yeah, he’s still coming, just a little bit late

He got stuck at the Five and Dime saving the day”

She says, "If life was a movie, then it wouldn’t end like this,

Left without a kiss."

Still, she smiles, the way she smiles, yeah

She’s talking to angels,

She’s counting the stars

Making a wish on a passing car

She’s dancing with strangers,

She’s falling apart

Waiting for Superman to pick her up

In his arms, yeah, in his arms, yeah

She’s waiting for Superman...

...to lift her up and take her anywhere

Show her love and flying through the air

Save her now before it’s too late tonight

Oh, at the speed of light

And she smiles

She’s talking to angels,

She’s counting the stars

Making a wish on a passing car

She’s dancing with strangers,

She’s falling apart

Waiting for Superman to pick her up

In his arms, yeah, in his arms, yeah

She’s waiting for Superman...

...to lift her up and take her anywhere

Show her love, oh, and flying through the air

Save her now before it’s too late tonight

She’s waiting for Superman.

Daughtry ©

Honey, wake up, get up, get real. Life is NOT a movie or a Mills & Boons novel where you’ll meet your man and he’ll march you off into a stunning sunset. Hysterics and being a drama queen will get you nowhere… and there’s NO superman who’s coming to get you. Lmao!!

If you want a REAL relationship, then get real and start training.

Bottom line. Real relationships hurt. You have to fight, and you will get bloody. So, yes, I Nyakio, do bleed too much in my relationships.

Do you?

Nyakio J Munyinyi for The xPenSieve Report © January 2014