When I was a kid my
dad would keep telling me off, ‘Nyakio, stop being so CONTRARY!!’ pronounced :
(con-tray-ree) I’d peer at him with my huge eyes and wonder, ‘whaaaat!!??! Ok, first off, I had no
idea what that ‘big’ word meant (I was 6)… so after a couple of times of being
told off, I looked it up in his humongous Oxford Dictionary (yup – no computers
or Google back then in the 1960’s…) first searching for the word under ‘K’,
getting nowhere, then after asking him how it was spelt, I finally found a
definition which went something like:-
{(a) perversely
inclined to (i) disagree or to (ii) do the opposite of what is expected or
desired: she is sulky and contrary where her work is concerned} . Well,
I wasn’t a sulky child, far from it, I was more like… shy and withdrawn, so I
disagreed with my father’s portrayal -
because as far as my six year old self was concerned - it didn’t apply to me.
End of story.
For about 20 years. When I came up
against that word again.
Well, it kind of stumbled into my mind when I was
rummaging in there for a word to describe a certain type of adult human
behavior I’ve been witnessing too much of late. There’s a set of people who are
so exceedingly contrary that you and I both really dislike hanging around them…
they constantly do the exact opposite in deed and talk. Promises are carelessly
and casually given: your time has no meaning to them and is squandered thoughtlessly:
give a simple task, they do the opposite. Never ask a contrary person for
favors – they won’t be met, ask a simple question, they don’t answer it - but instead launch into an extended
belligerent monologue – making you wonder why on earth you ever thought you’d
get any kind of simple answer. Take for example my neighbor who a while back cut
a tree in his yard and let it (purposely) fall in our compound, blocking the
driveway….. oh oh oh oh!! We only wanted that mess off our drive, but when
Hubby went to talk to the tree-cutting-director (ngai fafa!!)– he got an ear-full of insults and reasons
why-the-tree-MUST-be cut down plus the unnecessary info that he’d already used (read
misused) the money that the landlord
gave him for a professional lumberjack so he had to do it himself and
look-there’s-a-hole-in-my-roof- so why are you
bugging me about the ‘small branch’ in your driveway, you have a gardener.. let
him clear my mess! All in fluent Dar swa
by the way!
Have you come across
adults like that at least once in your life? Their habitual negativity spills
into your life and leaves you with a toxic mess which you have to clean up,
using your own resources.
Contrary.
It’s okay when it’s a
child or teenager – in fact, it’s expected for them to do the opposite of
whatever you tell them, but adults?
When my dad told me I
was contrary, it was because (true) I
was being (i) creative and (ii) inquisitive. That’s okay for a growing
child. For me to be creative, I had to go against the norm, constantly
questioning why certain forms, formats, models and colours had to be treated in
a certain technique and me purposely trying out the exact opposite, just for
fun and to see ‘what would happen’. That’s why we go to school and ‘play
around’ in science labs. To learn.
But as adults, to
what extent can we fling aside the rules that our governments and schools and
religious leaders and parents have laid down for our safety and benefit to do
our own thing before people begin pointing fingers while commenting on our contrariness
“- he’s acting like he Rules the world and like rules were made to be broken-
who does he think he is?”…
Because being overly
contradictory and balking the rules means that we cannot fit into society
proper. It’s fine to be a little different
as a child (although that also gets kids in trouble) and as a teenager, but honestly, as an adult we must drop the
habit, or know how to handle it. Society fits into agreeable patterns of ‘how
to do things’ and according to
my-pastor-who-doesn’t-want-to-be-called-Pastor-Charles, the way we do things is
what’s called a ‘culture’ – you hear of
office cultures, tribal cultures, religious cultures… even World Day cultures
like ‘May Day’, ‘Labour Day’, ‘Kenyatta Day’, ‘Valentines Day’ and ‘Halloween’.
While we’re all
allowed – to some degree - to be contrary, the difference is in how it affects
us in the long run. So alright, we don’t have to celebrate Valentines Day and
we think Halloween is basically an American tradition so we in Africa don’t
bother to honor that day, that’s ok, but as we grow older, extreme contrariness
and being difficult and different all the time affects those we’re in
relationships with be it lover, spouse, children or co-workers.
For example, You’re
20… so what if you don’t subscribe to the ‘saving’ culture and spend
impulsively? It’s been hammered into your brain by parents, teachers, the
pastor, banks, insurance companies – you name it – that you’re supposed to
save, save, save! But the contrary ones decide to do the opposite of what is
expected and mouth frequently that ‘I’M YOUNG AND WILD AND FREE’ is their motto
and ‘YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE’ their favorite mantra - so – ‘where’s the parry?” and “I see, I buy”….chapa in- chapa out..
Now you’re 26. You’ve
formed a habit. Add a couple of years. You’re still disregarding the SAVE rules.
Add 4 years.. you’re approaching a mid-life-crisis like a Fuso Truck filled
with Cement Bags on a free-roll down a high and steep road… and you haven’t saved
a cent, yet you have a wife and a family who struggle with living hand-to-mouth,
and because of your carelessness, they
suffer daily.
Quick Q: How many men
over 23 do you know who are still living with their mama or sister? Stop
counting when you run out of fingers in the one hand. A common habit I dislike
is those harambee cards for weddings.
So ok, you’re my friend, but why should I part with 100,000/- for your wedding when
you have been working and living single for more than 4 years? Plus you still expect a wedding gift from
me? Wait one! You knew you’d get married one day, why didn’t you save for
it? Thank goodness our banks can see more clearly than some men do and have
introduced ‘Wedding Accounts’!!
Or the young girl who is constantly warned to
change her sexual habits, she doesn’t and brings a baby home to her already
frustrated mother then dumps baby and leaves.
Being Contrary
doesn’t mean being aggressively negative. You can have a charming outer
personality that attracts people, and your contrariness sometimes takes a very
subtle form that may go undetected for years by even those close to you. These
are ‘yes’ people. They say Yes to whatever you say implying that they will get
the job done, but a few hours or days or weeks or even years later you discover
that the task was never began and they never intended to do it anyway, ever.
That’s being Contrary…
Or, take those who
after some time of working the same job become ‘care-less’ and go against their
bosses expectations: eg, The boss expects me to report in at 8am every morning
but I have this attitude that I can walk in at 10a.m. because I leave work at
8pm anyway… (avoiding traffic). Or the lunch break that grows ever longer….I
have also observed men and women out there who don’t honor their spouses or
partners with a gift or flowers or a card (yaani nada) on Special Days (Birthdays, Wedding Anniversaries etc) year after year, because that’s not his
way and she’s never done it and it’s
not how he/she was raised so he or she is not about to start now.
That’s being Contrary…
Think… who do you
know that even if they come to you for advice on an issue, you know you’re
wasting your breath because they either won’t follow your advice or worse, halfway
through your explanation they begin to argue with you? Or you tell her the
appointment is at 9 but it’s actually at 11 because you KNOW she will be 2
hours late - or – I love this – many
women have come up to me and told me how they get flipping mad because their BF’s
never picks them up on time! Never! She invariably waits (wherever) for upto 2
hours, but Lordy cry me a bucket if she does the same to him and keep him waiting
for just a half hour!!! And his
excuses are legion.
That’s being Contrary.
Being contrary and
forming a habit of it infuriates others. In the end, we all tend to leave the
Contrary person alone with thoughts like ‘achana
naye – that’s how she is!’ and basically you’re written off because you
can’t depend on someone who is always constantly purposely contrary. They will
do the opposite of whatever you expect and it’s usually negative.
Fortunately or
unfortunately, depending on how you view it, the very Rich who are Contrary are called
eccentric… look at Micheal Jackson, Elton John, Lady Gaga, Madonna…. The list
is endless, but they’re allowed their eccentricity because they can afford to go against popular culture –
infact – their contrariness is copied by their fans and they make
money off it.
Ha ha ha, If I,
Nyakio wore a ‘meat’ dress and strolled downtown with a matching ‘meat’
handbag, wolololo!! I’d probably be arrested for being a public
nuisance or thrown into Mathare Mental Hospital because I’ve clearly lost it. Yet for the wealthy it’s
okay to be ‘fashionably late’ and ‘make a statement’ when you arrive at a
function, it’s okay to wear (guys) polka-dotted trousers, a yellow jacket, a
bow-tie and sneakers to work, it’s okay to be so skinny that when you take a
shower the water misses you – you can be as different
as you want and even get positive vibes from society plus probably qualify for
a Reality Show – but that is because you can afford the time, your reputation and the cash for penalties.
But, if you’re not
rich and famous and you’re a just a regular Mwangi
or Ali
or Nyambura, then your reputation will
suffer negatively because certainly drawing away from the crowd means being (i)
talked about and (ii) being shunned by those who do not dare to be different –
or have grown up.
And acting like you
could ‘care-less’ is a façade because the
reality is that within human nature, deep down in our souls is a desire to be
cared about, to be loved and appreciated
by society, and what that society does
think about us is a major niggling concern at the back of our brains. My
observation is that the contrary and purposely different person has numerous
fears which often hides an inferiority complex. Their unshakable immature habit
may be a way of seeking the attention they otherwise wouldn’t garner, or, a
cover-up of huge past failures.
Either way, me and
you can’t just do our own thing constantly, creating toxic fumes and walking away from them – we have the
Boss to consider after all, he’s the one who gives us our paycheck. Or maybe
you’re self-employed, so you can be as contrary as you wish. But what happens
to your spouse? Kids? Parents? Friends and those around you? Consider this,
having a companion who is contrary is like keeping a house cat – you just never
know exactly where in the house it may be. It’s a likeable pet and not
dangerous, but likewise, with contrary people it’s difficult trying to
constantly second-guess where they are mentally. It’s also tiring. And if you’re interacting
with them daily, then it affects them daily. How long will they continue to be
in your circle of friends before they back off and leave you to your disparate
schemes?
So. Unless you want
to be a self-sustaining hermit living on a deserted island somewhere in the
middle of the Indian Ocean, or a rich Batman-type recluse surrounded by
‘yes-sir, no-sir’ servants who kowtow
to your every whim but will never tell you the truth about your eccentricities,
then begin to shrug off, step-out of - loose! your contrary incompatible
character and begin to build the nicer business of being charismatic and
inoffensive and simply doing things the way everyone else does.
© Nyakio Munyinyi for The XpenSieve Report, October 2012
