Being in LOVE with Alone Ness

I’m home alone today and I’m in bliss…

This moment in time is for all females out there and to males who belong to The Tribe – the Journey Women and Men, the ones who >>> walking into a busy Nakumatt/Tusky’s/ Naivas or any mall - is a total nightmare.

.... being alone....

 I was up long before the crack of dawn – wait - why would one call it that <<<< by the way? Crack of dawn? The first dawn yes, probably began with a tremendously L.O.U.D shattering crack of brilliant g.l.a.r.i.n.g. light that split open the darkness in an astonishing wave of brilliant LIGHT Waves that spread piercingly across the galaxy –  wave after wave of pure intensely penetrating light that poured forth and moved forward in a massive wave throughout the first day… yes – that would be a ‘crack of dawn’  - but I didn’t write English… I just pen it… and dawn is not so cracking now  but -

..back to my awakening moments… and to the point of this bliss –

 .. I was up early this morning if “waking up” is even a word to describe my so-called ‘sleep’ as I could hear my 16 year old son roaming and wandering through the apartment in an endless bid to keep sleep away – or is it that he couldn’t find sleep?? Hmm – but his nocturnal prowling was very audible to me as I tossed and turned in the heat of the night and eventually stumbled out of bed, worn and fatigued, and straight into a lukewarm shower to accelerate my body into a semi-wake up mode – and in that #woke state I made Son a hearty meal to prepare him for his road trip - which he had already began in his mind because at some point he asked me – so what time will we get there? … and my answer was ‘way after 9pm’… and I was being nice - road trips to Dar are murder-on-time if I’m not driving – you’all know how I drive hahahahaa…. I fold Time -  really. I Time Travel – you’see, I passed Physics a long time ago back in-the-days of  B4844  - and THAT was the age of Live & Let Die  - if it was your time to die – you died hmmmm - if I die like I drive then it will be  Fast, Furious and a totally exhilarating blockbuster Hahaha…  

So with the promise to my son that most likely watafika Dar kitu 15 hours from commencement of trip In’Shallah,  I made sure both shildrens ; who are in reality small adults, were comfortably ensconced in the belly of the the Super.Cozy wifi- in. KE.Only .1 storeyHigh.Wheeler.Coach.Bus and got into my personal wheeled chariot to zoom out of the noisy, loud, dirty, irritating mess that is downtown Nairobi on any given day in Kenya –  they don’t ever tell you that do they? About Downtown? Well, it’s a mess. If you can find a clean ‘Bus-Station bathroom’ please let me know. Downtown on ‘Christmas morn’ at 5 am was a darn cold 9˚C , a mess of drunk old men tottering home; teens high on ?? somethings dawa  out to cause trouble; beggars with no-where to go; angry askaris & turnboys asking for ‘krismassi’ handouts and pissed when they don’t get any [shauri yako, wee kaa tu bila kunipea… shauri yako] << is it a must to give? Moving on… no seats for waiting travelers – sit on your suitcase anyway – it’s safer -  ma3’s overlapping, hooting & duh, causing a jam; salon cars with fam and relas being dropped - hug hug - kiss on cheek - we're a touchy touchy huggy huggy breed, us Kenyans -  or relas and fam and friends being picked with same hug hug kiss kiss and excited shouts; small salon cars backing up and making illegal u-turns;  passengers getting into and out of hooting mats; smoke from somewhere;  Huge Overland Buses revving to leave, other buses arriving from long trips and vomiting weary cold, hungry journeymen and women out of their huge bellies – babies crying;  drunks stumbling in the dark morning and weaving across cracked grimy pavements;  peeps spitting and blowing their noses; every other ma3 playing it’s particular radio vernacular station louder than the other  -

Waarrh… overloaded senses-

I shot of there like a bat shooting out of hell –

.. to go back home  -

…  through a stunning dawn morn… this dawn…

It was a symphony…

I saw music notes…

Nairobi at 6am with NO TRAFFIC. Cold sweet air bila fumes in through my window -

No Hurry..

Serenity..

..sunrise in Nairobi 25th December 2016: Photo credit:  xPenSiev©

The sky was a deep dense blue-black with tiny wisps of light-gray ethereal clouds suspended in space, over there somewhere on the horizon the sky began to slowly, so slowly, spread dusty smoky colours of pale pinks & peaches, dusty grays & hues of dark raspberry blues, quietly,    oh     so  so quietly and majestically the colour from the sky lovingly caressed rooftops of buildings, quietly signaling the beginning of another day. 

Such serenity. I switched off the car lights…

I felt the world literary falling off my shoulders… and I stepped into Being SheLone..

It’s a small miracle for me when this happens, when I find myself totally – home alone – with nobody and nothing dependent on me for 24 hours or more, no visitors, no mboches, no time tables, no cooking schedules, no writing deadlines, no Twitter, #hashtags or Retweets…

… what ties you down girl? Long ago I’d do school runs and laundry piles taller than me… there was a time it was meetings in boardrooms with SouthAfrican Boers and the horror of it – I’m just NOT a boardroom person. Soon after that it was writing deadlines in a radio station…. Gosh my life – but what I’m tryin’ to say here is at each point of our life there’s a chain* tying us down.

- but it used to be a scary thought. Being alone. Scary because of this idea that’s actually a huge cultural lie and a mantrap that many of us have fallen into:-

“..woman!!

HARK!!

if thine ist alone,

thou art a failure…”

mancrap. Bullcrap!! HAHAHAHA…

Note, not she-crap. Nah… otherwise it would be known as cow-crap.

Skiza…

There is a strength which comes from being alone that is totally wicKed. Absolutely enthralling in it’s power, the magic of she-lone-ness weaves a spell around the “She-loner” that is scary to men… and other women..

Why the fear? 

 Because it’s only when we’re truly alone that we look deep into ourselves and ask questions like,

           ... what do I REALLY WANT in life? It’s when you’re alone Woman, that GOD speaks to you. When Nature speaks to you.. because you’re alone and you’ll listen. – coz we women are so good at listening…

… It’s when you’re alone and free of his schedules and their calendars that you can breathe for a while and think for yourself. It’s in the magic of being alone that your body makes little noises made up of creaks, groans and whispers and you have time to listen TO, and obey. If it hurts, attend to it immediately – because there is no-one else for you to attend to, but you. If you don’t feel like doing it, don’t – because there is only YOU to please at this time –  if there’s no one to wake you up to feed them or care for them – then wake up, feed and care for yourself….

Selfish? No. She-Loner.

Laying a foundation for the building. Pouring in the concrete and wetting it with your tears and striding out like #MinnieWalker – purposeful and ready for all of life’s fucks - some sweet, some bitter, some short, some long, some paid, some unpaid [hahahahahaa!] – but READY.

I love these rare times so I make the most my She-Lone times. I sleep deeply. I dream too – because women are fantastic creatures that can birth dreams and bring them into a beautiful reality that we can sustain because women are natural born nurturing machines, with thick arms to hold and big breasts that will feed that dream when it is birthed. A Women Alone can be very scary stuff to those who do not like strong women. You know… men are allowed to retreat into their man caves, but a woman alone… whoa! We’ve got to shoot down that idea dead as a dodo!

Gals, Look at yourself, and the magic you could dream and weave and spin into your life if you could eagerly grab at your ‘me-time’ – and shrug off and negate the people who say that being alone means you’re a failure.  When you sit aside and sort the chaff from the stupid stuff, when you clear your mind of clutter, when as a woman you gently probe and prod at your intuition until it’s purring and vibrating so good and strong – [mmmhhh…I love that feeling] .. when you’re in a state of complete She-LoneNess – and you come out of it with a fierce determination that won’t get you down in a hurry...that’s the magic of ShePower.

So forget the bull-crap of:

    ‘..singleness means you’re not worth it’ …. I can’t even begin to slaughter that stupidity – where do I start? Whether we’re extroverts or introverted as fuck, we ALL NEED that space where we’re completely HOME ALONE to recharge.  Negating alone times and believing in the LIE that being alone is ‘bad’ is not a good thing. At all.

“You’re alone because you’re unloveable”

“You didn’t have ANYONE to spend time with this Season…. Gosh… how sad…”

Don’t entertain those thoughts – ever ever. They’re meant to put you into a spin and detract you from the truths and magic of being SheLoner and sadly, those lines of thought go into the minds of Tribal People [Depressives] & Empaths [both male and female] with a devastating fury of a Force 15 magnitude hurricane or cyclone – so just stop those holding those lies in your mind, or tasting them with your tongue or vomiting them on others. Stop.

Humans were made to be social, yes, but more, they were made as entire little perfectly independent solo units. That’s why we’re mostly born in singles. And when we die, we die singly – my death doesn’t mean another will die. Your soul-mate is that person who, when they die before you do, your own life becomes a big stayfree pad wad of meaninglessness – but those are couples who have been together for ever and not in Nairobi – out there in shags maybe - yes – but aki – mainstream Kenya peeps are so hard-hearted that even the Drunk Driving Billboards warn you that if you drive drunk and die, your ka-wifi will soon-and-very-soon be married to your bhesti and your unborn child will be calling someone else papa….gaii.. That’s just cruel. Nawatu’wa giggle… sigh..

But we ARE in Kenya, TIK. RIGHT now. In 2016. And tings are tuff and a woman has to do what a woman has to do – which is bear the whole wide world on her shoulders and look devastatingly sexy as she does so… ok.. my eyes have rolled so far back in my head.. you know, Alhumdullilah for being a Hijabi. That is a huge debt burden that was negated and not by World Bank….This Hijab wow-  I got my sexy back and it belongs to just one man..

but that’s another story – 

Take a break girls, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Not so, so long ago, less than just 250 years ago, our great-grand mothers as girls and women would have packed a bag to sling over their shoulders, a good strong walking stick, bows, arrows and short swords - and walk off into the mountains and bundu and stay away for like 3 years on an #adventure and nobody would say natin’ – infact – those same men and mama’s in the village - they’d give you messages to carry to other villages that you’d maybe pass through in your sojourn…

Now we’re all #Slaves and #Prisoners

In fancy boxes but still

Chained

And Hobbled with bleeding ankles

Chained to the fancy box

by #debt.

Shut up in a box;

a fancy coffin.

That’s Nailed Shut

With lies and imported beLIEfs

Take a fuckin’ break. Shove the ‘guilt’ away and just do it, go SheLoner Mode. Put the all kids in the Bus, Airplane  - whatever – to wherever - somewhere – and Hubby too – put your Fam on Hold, tell Friends to take a chill pill, switch your location off on your CELLphone so your enemies are distracted for a while [especially if you use Instagram] and take a

She-Break. 

Nobody is indispensable  to others but we are, to ourselves. If I break down it's me to fix me and it's me who knows where it hurts - it's me wearing the high heel shoe and if I break an ankle, then it's me wearing flats for G - not you. Nobody is indispensable to OTHERS - they will not DIE if you take a frickin' break. Just do it and watch!

Pray. Exercise. Sleep. Dream. Pray. Eat. Laugh. Walk. Swim. Write. Doodle. Eat sweet stuff. Fart. Watch a funny movie. Pray. Laugh. Cry. Wear perfume. Shower. Soak in a bath. Buy bath salts that smell like a dream. Treat yourself. Walk around the house in socks and shorts or in a khanga – and wear your favorite parfum. You’re HOME ALONE. Smell good. Feel good. Smile.

Talk to yourself.

Listen to yourself.

Love yourself. PAY yourself with delicious, edible amounts of gorgeous ATTENTION until you fall in love with yourself. Just DO IT. Happy Holidays were created for you, so use them. ~ "Some women fear the fire. Some women simply, become it"

The XpenSieve Report© 2016

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