Of Lies, Rumours & Savage Gossip

Of lies, rumours and savage gossip

[note: xplicit language. The words crap and shit will be substituted for gossip]

Have you ever walked in a pasture and stepped on cow shit? Or maybe just jogging - and you trod on dog poo because in East Africa we don’t walk around with mini-spades shoveling our dog poo, so the likelihood of stepping into somethings shit isn’t so unusual.

THE thing is, once you step on it, you begin to carry that stink around with you wherever you go… and despite wiping it off the edge of a pavement or on grass or trying to wedge the offending goo off with a sharp stick pulled off some poor spindly bush for purposes of cleaning your Addidas or Nike sneakers, that shit will still smell like….. shit.. all the way home…

[I know because it’s happened to me].

[not once]

Stop laughing… I know it’s happened to you…

Can you imagine stepping onto dog shit with your best shoes on your way to a date?

Hahahahahahaaaaaa…… woiyee….

#DEAD,dead,dead!

….. hmmm…infact… hmmm - and here I will ask you to let us go down a rabbit hole…

My dad used to drag  my younger brother and I , when we were teens, at least once or twice a month to his parents farm, and we developed a habit of throwing gumboots into the car boot [trunk, for you Americans who massacred the Queens English], and change into them once we got to the Farm House. On this particular Saturday, while crossing from one pasture to the next, I accidentally stepped on a fresh sticky gooey pile of cow dung. It didn’t bother me, I was a kid after-all, and my intention was to get across the pasture, to the next one, across a fallow field and into the woods - and free range cow dung didn’t smell that bad. Later, I chucked the gum boots into the car boot, same as always, for the return trip home. Horrors! The smell wafted in to the car compartment and …. Yap, my dad was 1. LIVID, and 2. We had a chilly ride back home because the windows had to be rolled down….and 3. I had to wash my own gum boots once we got home, and not simply hand them over for ‘someone else’ to clean…. Ouch, it took a lot of bar soap. [This was before my mother introduced OMO with power foam to our house…]

Hahahahahahahaaaaaa!!

So, at an early age I learnt that I had to clean up shit even Shaggy comes and pleads ‘it wasn’t me’ who dumped. If I stepped on it, well, I had to clean it.

Back to stepping on shit.

Words by Joel Osteen. Poster name: iDeclare.jpg

 This past weekend on Sunday evening, I stepped on shit, only it wasn’t cow dung or dog poo or lion’s scat, it was a nasty story that had been spread about lovely me by [duh] someone close. I say DUH because often it’s those who are close to you who really hurt you.

You can afford to give strangers the Bitch Look, one of your better fingers, and a piece of your  ____   as you swagger off!! Lol… hey, what happened to that ‘kiss my ass’ hand gesture, it’s such definitive body movement….

hahahahahaa.

But if close folks and family crap on you though, oooohhhh…… it hurts bad.

And stinks like shit.

Faces scrunch up in shock and horror, and hours later you’re probably still reeling in shock, if you haven’t already found the offending member of public and given them a piece of their own ____ right back. But meanwhile;

… it follows you around, even if you weren’t the one who had a crap in public like a feral animal.

Ouch…

So there I was, looking down at the crap I’d stepped into, or rather, in this case, HEARD, and I was like ?£$%$£, because, really, even if you’re the most SAVED person on this Earth, even the POPE would swear if he walked barefoot into that kind of crap/stinkbomb.

Like wtf and all those epitaphs, listen, I’m just being real here..

I didn’t sleep well Sunday night.

At all.

Oh no.

I tried everything: meditation, reading the middle bits of Fifty Shades of Gray, chatting with fave friends on Whatsapp, nah, the shit pong stuck. In the end I swallowed a sleeping pill and zonked out – Monday was looming like a dark dreaded shadow of gloom right in front of me so I spoke to me quietly and came to the conclusion that I should rest and figure out how to deal with the shit and the stench the next day. So yes, Sunday I slept with a sour smell in my nose…

And woke up remarkably fresh.

Well, yah, I have that habit of bouncing back into life with a spring in my step and gladness in my heart.

The Secret?

Now, what do you do when your [insert name of close person here]  says some vicious things about you? If you’re like me and just sit, plonk down, poof, on the edge of the pavement, totally confused and knocked out of breath, looking like and feeling like the crap you stepped into, then listen up.

And if you don’t do the above, still listen up!

There’s a tiny little gem of an English idiom that goes ‘let it roll off you like water off a duck’s back’.

You see, a duck is a special breed of bird. It lives on land but gets it’s food and nourishment from rivers and streams and …. Duck ponds. Wet places.

Pun unintended.

So a Duck can’t afford to drown. . .

Hence, water rolls off it’s feathers…and down it’s back.. The upper layers of a ducks feathers are waterproof. The inner layer consists of a soft down that keeps it cozily warm.

See, I just gave you the anatomy of a duck. Not hard hey?

Tee hee hee….

Now, don’t say, ‘ah, si that’s kawa?!’. No. Birds don’t like getting wet.

[ – pun again, this time intended ] - apart from Seagulls, most birds [take red bull and] fly away long before a storm hits,.. seeking shelter, huddling in nests or trees until R Kelly’s Storm is Over, because feathers get WET and heavy and hard to ‘steer’ and well, birds could stall in mid flight and crash. And unlike the LOST series, a mid-air crash is a crash that results in deathly death. Series over.

If you still don’t believe that birds and water don’t mix…

Get a hose pipe and spray a chicken….

Have you ever seen a wet chicken?

Those birds look bad. KFC ‘chicken’ look better….

R O T F L M B B A O

I mean, there’s nothing uglier than a wet chicken……!!

R O T F L M B B A O!!!

(wiping tears off my face)..

 When we’re overcome by shitty snarly gossipy untruths about ourselves, inside we may feel like those wet chickens, cold, freezing, ugly, despairing, sodden, heavy and unable to lift our wings and fly.

They are so many stories of kids in the US who commit suicide because of being bullied in school – the ‘being bullied’ meaning that nasty horrid shitty stuff is said about them to their face. Poor birds, they die.

So, what DO you do apart from smacking that B* upside down their head with a chair…?

* (bastard or bitch… choose)

Be like a duck. Let that shit  roll off you like water off a duck’s back.

Don’t brood.

1.    Don’t let that shit entertain you, meaning, don’t put on your internal TV and watch that crap gossip over and over again. NO.

2.    Don’t turn on your internal radio and repeat to those crappy words over and over again to others. NO. I don’t care if you have 20 BF’s, BFF’s, BLOOD SISTAS/BROTHERS or WHATEVER. Do NOT waste your air time = your breath, by giving nasty crap FREE REPEAT TIME FROM YOU.

3.    Don’t meditate on that shit, making crap words your mantra, repeating them 5 times every 6 seconds.

(See, it makes a difference when I describe gossip as shit or crap. It’s offensive, and it stinks)

Be like a duck. Let that shit  roll off you like water off a duck’s back

Know this. We have to live in society – that’s your water. And mine. That’s our life. Whether in the city or in rural areas or even if we’re wanders, we have to live with people, we can’t be hermits. Oh how I wish and pine for that, but it’s not possible… And while we , that’s you and I, may listen to God, to wisdom and advice, and aspire to hold and tame our tongues, desisting from rude talk, talking ill of people, or spreading gossip – sadly [S M H here], there are those who will, and Do talk ill of others.

And there will always be the recipients who will gladly listen, swallow that shit and smear it all over you..

If a duck walks away from water, it will starve. It will be miserable. If we close out society, we become unsociable. I know, we can’t win….

 But letting let it roll off you like water off a duck’s back means that whatever shit is purposely put on our paths for us to step on shouldn’t stick. Even if it’s crap that is THROWN our way. Which means WE don’t have to clean it up. Note that!

Shake it off. Let it not enter you. Let it not seep into your life and make your inner cabin stink.  Don’t let anyone put their smelly gumboots in your car boot. [ Oh sorry, TRUCK for my American readers ]  Ever.

Acknowledge the water, but don’t let it get INTO you. Ever.

Be SP - Shit Proof.

I have a duck’s bum. It’s waterproof and Shit Proof! I glide on that shit and it never sticks on me, Ever.

NJ Munyinyi, BA Dgn, SP Honors.

Nyakio J. Munyinyi for the XpenSieve Report© 2014

[Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to xPenSieve© with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. Headline banner design by NJMunyinyi.]

I'm Feeling Bitchy Today!

I'M feeling very bitchy today...

It is so damn stereotypical for people to assume that if a woman is looking hot it must be because her 'man' has done something right.
Either he's treating her right …
Or he's banging that pussy daily…
Aki, I feel like swinging my chair. Hard.  In someone's face.
And hearing a crunch.
Because we women do get offended at those half-baked sentences handed out when we're looking good, or have bought a car, a plot, a house, or have achieved a tremendous goal, or just simply come to work on Monday looking fresh, fab-u-lishous and oh-so-fine, and the sentence that's spewed out is a venom coated back-handed statement masquerading as a compliment.

Oh I like your new look..

..............grab chair....

Hmm.... so, he's treating you right huh? You're looking really good!

.............gathering momentum when swinging chair.....

Oh he got you a new car? Aki your dude loves you...

............. gathered enough momentum to hurl chair....

wow, honey, you surely got some this weekend, you look so darn good..

......................hurl chair and hear satisfying crunch to head

walk away with a swagger.

Ladies, who can feeeel me?

[it’s sad that the italicized only happens in my head..but did you know the brain can’t tell the difference between what’s real and imagined? Yes, that’s why a good read can make your heart go thump thump, or a horror story keep you up at night.. so, if I swing a chair at some idiot and hear a satisfying crunch, I’ll walk away with a smile when they insult me.hehehehee… moving on]

So, tell me why I can't [yes, you... I'm pointing at you and gyrating my neck..] - so tell me why, as a gorgeous woman, why I can't - look after myself, take myself on a vacation, tour Kenya's finest lodges, buy a car or Speed-Bike AND look amazingly good -  and be SINGLE?

Why does my 'looking good' or 'doing anything positive' have to come attached with the label of MAN, or.. SHE GOT SOME?

Boys n gals, the days of the SINGLE older woman looking like a depressed, miserable wrinkled belly-touching boobs, badly dressed foul smelling, hair falling, tooth spitting hag are OVER. 

From: Sea Hag by Bryan Baugh

as in…..
OVER..

… it's such an old old-school mentality, in fact, it's in the era of Conan the Barbarian, so don’t subscribe to that RSS newsfeed. Male and female, just stop tagging yourself and your friends or posting about it. And it's not just the J Lo's and those plasticasized-surgery American stars, [not hating, just saying] who look good nowadays, it's homegrown, plastic-less, good-old GMO-LESS Kenyan Women over 45, can I hear a Woooooooo!!??

[Blame it on the water we drank back in the early 60's.]

I'm not a feminist and I don't endorse to a no-man/men are dogs society belief. I'm just a crazy woman who's always spoken her mind , and said it as it is. And one thing I'd like men and women alike to stop is this short-sighted-ness of thinking that a women will die and wither and disintegrate without a man in her life- excuse me!

Hahahahahahahahahaaaaaa.... you kno?

Feelin' Bitchy by Millie Jackson Album Art

Or that if we’re looking good now it's an invite for hyenas to come sniffing around. Dude, I look good, I'm NOT DEAD MEAT. OR WOUNDED, so stop sniffing!

eff off!

Ladies appreciate an honest compliment where and when one is due. Yes, there are Men out there who look good, know how to cook, can absolutely look after themselves, all  without a WO.

Same goes for women.  We can "Wo!"
... without the man.

Girls, where are you? Do you gots my back?

 

A word..

Single women? Yes, there's loneliness. There's also a beautiful sense of accomplishment, of achievement, of self-pride, of walking like Jane-Walker, Laura Croft-Tomb Raider efficiencyness, of  alone.ness, me-time, and loving my own company, completely wallowing in a hot steamy tub of sweet-scented self love. It's pure magic. It's also rejuvenating, taking the time and care to  lovingly soothe and nourish our souls, our bodies, our hearts.

Being SINGLE is: not being distracted by some MANs issues and history.

This statement ALSO applies to MEN. Being single is not being distracted by some WOman’s issues. Being single is learning to love your SINGLE , or ONE self, IN SHORT, being single is a fantastic opportunity to learn how to love ONE self.

I'm not a man hater. I love guys. But.. dude, you don't have to be there ALL THE TIME in order for me to be great and gorgeous... I mean, yes, it's good to have someone to be concerned about, to feed someone, love another - so as to not be selfish?
Go buy a dog.

Why the single woman? There's a thousand million reasons, each unique to the individual woman, but the thing is this - we all go through our singleness for a SEASON, whether the season is a month, a year or 10 years. And it would behove the rest of you to understand that, as contentious as it may be.

And Wives, stop being shaky jealous, mindless slugs in front of beautiful and gorgeous single women... aki. we don't want your men...

[And those single women who do KNOWINGLY go for married men are detested by the rest of us, they simply mess our reputations.... but that's another story for another day]

Meanwhile, point is...

As Wo!'s we are often exceptionally and superbly capable when the situation warrants, at other times we're just plain lazy or simply not bothered, hence we look for a dude to do the job. But, when a single woman does DO good for herself by herself, AND looks good for herself BY herself, then give her a wholehearted genuine-stamped compliment and don't go looking for a man behind or beside her!

Accept the 2014 million dollar fact. 

Single women don't always need a hand from a man...

AND…

WEAK men are the only ones intimidated by Strong Women.

FACT.

So if there’s a man buzzing about like a fly on dead meat whenever you achieve any form of brilliance greatness – smash that thing and sashay off. Really.

Girls, it doesn’t matter how YOUNG or OLD you are, you can achieve greatness just by being female. Look at the Nobel Prize Winner this year, the young girl called Malala, or look at Wangari Mathai  - you are GREAT, you are exemplary just as you are - as a woman both of these being examples of both YOUNG and OLD and non-Caucasian, and I’m sure you have some heroines in YOUR book. Go ahead, it’s not too late to BE.

DO:

Get up and feel awesome because you’re beautiful

Buy make-up and experiment with colour, shades and tones

Buy clothes that suit your body, in colour, texture and flow. Buy silk that will silky caresses your skin, soothing and pampering it, buy airy cottons that cool you down when it’s hot and cosset you when it’s cold

Walk with a swag – if you need heels, wear them! But you can swagger in low-heeled boots, sandals and sneaks too!

Exercise daily

Eat what’s right for YOU

Be intelligent and don’t hide it. Skiza, the worms will be revealed faster – worms being those who cannot cope with your intelligence. And when the worms show up – well – we’re intelligent, deal with those worms as necessary!

Be yourself on every level – Spiritual, Soul and Brainiac. Hmm? Ever thought of that?

God made you uniquely you and knows YOU – whoever your GOD is, be proud of who God made you to be and be proud of where he placed you! God made me a woman in Africa, and by GOD, I’m so effing proud to be a black African woman IN AFRICA – I’m not going to try and get away and be ‘American’ or ‘European’, that’s NOT WHO I AM.

By the way, I did - at first in my youth, oh how I hated aspects of myself! So I tried to run from myself - and didn’t that NOT work or what?!

– it doesn’t matter where you go or how far you move away from [insert ‘it’ here], you’re still you. So get away from shitty situations that don’t give you peace, yes, and get away from toxic situations, yes, but always remember that wherever you go, you’re still you. So love you. Love yourself first.

Count your blessings, every single hour. It makes a terrific difference in life. I know, I’ve practiced it in the last 11 months and the benefits are amazing! Let me tell you, there’s nothing so hot as silencing an entire room just by walking in, hahahahahahaha…. YES, I’m being bitchy, but really, counting your blessings shows up not only Spiritually and souly, but also PHYSICALLY.

It doesn’t matter how old or young you are, the above principals work for us all. Get a goal for tomorrow and stick to it. That’s it. Don’t do 6 month goals, boring, you’ll fail. Just get ONE for TODAY. Basi. Then in the evening think of a goal for the next day. ONE. Really. Why bog yourself down and tire yourself by aiming for 365 things for one day? You’re NOT SUPERWOMAN, don’t listen to what the song says, and nobody should tell you otherwise. YOU are you, so get one goal. If it’s to be EASY the whole day, then BE EASY whatever comes your way. If it’s to be HAPPY, then smile all day and be happy and look for the laugh in all you do, the whole day, whatever comes your way. It may sound incredibly hard, but it’s easy like fuck. Seriously….. hahahahahaaaa….

So, be a Bitch today. And tomorrow, and the day after that.....

 

Nyakio J. Munyinyi for the XpenSieve Report© 2014

[Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to xPenSieve© with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. Headline banner design by NJMunyinyi.]

The Difficulty of Saying Yes to Yourself

... it's an art.

and it is hard.

I used to constantly negate my life by beginning my sentences with, 'No, and -  but..' And maybe you do too - just that you don't notice..

What cut with my constant negation is that I kept taking little bits and pieces of my self-esteem out of my life box, ending up with a shell of who I am, who I was, who I HAD THOUGHT I was going to be.

Last year was desperate for me and you know I speak the truth, for those of you who've walked with me, or should I say STAGGERED and STUMBLED because I certainly didn't walk last year. My fine sassy, hip-swinging swagger is new, my head's now held high and my feet -  shod in boots - stomp the hot African dust and make it rise,  as I Nyakio-Walker (Not Johnny Walker) up and down Nairobi's pavements.

I'm in the YES realm. In the Yes mode, switched on and ready to GO GO GO!

It takes a lot.

Despite being told that sometimes we have to shed stuff and start all over, I found out in my dark journey that the real difficultly lay in what I had to pick up. And still have to. Yes, we get broken, yes, we fall and break into a million shattered pieces. That's okay from where I stand and in fact, it's EASY.

It's easy to let go and slide into debauchery and laziness and alcoholism and being an addict and telling the world, IT'S MY LIFE but  that's such a - (excuse my language or close your eyes or stop reading) - MINDFUCK statement. It's the same as constantly saying NO.

It's effin hard to fix that shit that you've laid down for yourself. And no matter, we all do, all of us have made our beds, looked at the made bed and decided, 'I'm not sleeping on THAT'  - and that's okay, you don't have to. But, starting over and buying new sheets - that's the tough bit.

That's where you have to start saying YES.

Start believing in yourself. Despite having horrendous images in your rear view/side mirror - images that you know YOU have caused, you still have to find the ability to say YES to yourself.

Picking up the broken pieces and glue-ing them together and starting all over, heck, don't let anyone tell you that it's easy. It's not. And to make matters worse, as you begin saying YES and putting yourself together, being positive and stepping out and purchasing glue for your parts, that's the point at which your 'friends' depart, you may have NIL support; and Halleluyah! - count on the Nay.sayers collectively joining into a huge fan club to explicitly and purposely put you BACK down, either to your face, or behind your back.

Say YES to yourself anyway.

Invest in yourself anyway. IT'S YOUR LIFE. (lol)

You ARE your best future business bet.
So, INVEST in yourself. Support yourself, begin by doing what is good for you, drop the bad habits whether it's ADDICTIONS or just a simple thing like staying up late.

Watch your language and remove the negative and minuses, unless of course, it's someone who is negating you. In that case, let them negate themselves right out of your life.

But stop negating yourself with; No, I can'ts, It's not for ME's and similar killer statements. Remember, if you were to invest eg, in ManU, and wanted to support them, you'd buy a ticket to go watch them LIVE in the UK, right? That single seat in that club costs money to sit on, and you pay THEM for seating rights. Right?

So, invest in yourself. Cheer yourself, say YES you can score, scream and shout and spend money on FAN CLUB  __________________<------- your name there. Buy yourself your own VIP SEAT.

Get it?

Don't settle for less. It's hard work but one day leads to two leads to three leads to three hundred and sixty five days which is a year.

I KNOW you've heard of the bucket and tap STORY so I won't dwell on it for too long, but yes, if you leave a bucket under a leaking tap, a drop a minute, eventually that bucket will fill. So with your moral, learn to say, YES, I can (duh, sounds so boring but it's true) and YES I WILL, and MEAN IT. Don't say Yes I can! Then mutter a few seconds later, 'aki, but how.....' and end up [al-shabbabing] yourself.

Throw out your terrorist thoughts, police your mind, and reach for the stars, after all like the poster says, there are footsteps on the moon, so whoever says the sky is the limit is a bloody liar!

Nyakio-On-Full-Throttle. If in doubt, flat out.

Nyakio J. Munyinyi for the XpenSieve Report© 2014

[Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to xPenSieve© with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. Headline banner design by NJMunyinyi.]