A VAMPIRE LYFE

The past two weeks have been a personal nightmare for me, actually not Night mare, more like DAYmare - or SUNmare – or Heat mare, because the weather has been hot. Not just hot, but hot hot like a red hot chilli!  Heatwave in Dar. And I am suffering from that thing that hits women when they are over 45 years of age, known as …. Hot flushes.

So, in an attempt to avoid the heat, mine has become a Vampire Life….

Ok….not a blood-drinking evil creature, but 

when I think of a being who purposely avoids sunlight, the name Vampire hits the spot. What is amusing is that despite me being a full-blooded African woman with no mlami blood in my system, I actually get hurt by the sun!! It’s painful!!  So, okay, This is Dar…..where temperatures get to over 38 degrees easy … at night. According to Google, I should be in a climate no warmer than 16 ˚C/40˚F

So. Bottom line. I’m hot. Very.

And the weather is my competition.

What a laugh!

Heat flushes…. Woiyee. Ladies, that’s why, no lie, they are called Hot Flushes. Who among you women are feeling me? I thought it was a joke but its true, its not a myth. In my looking for solutions and surfing the internet I came across a comment: that women from developing countries do not get Heat Flushes and menopausal symptoms!! I rolled on the floor laughing at the lie, so all you ladies approaching 50…beware!

Staying indoors during the day in dark cool rooms with drawn curtains is preferable to gallivanting in the sun like a  gazelle in the Mara, and even they look for shade under leafy trees!!  It’s to be avoided. Being out in the sun that is….

Symptoms include feeling lethargic during the day and being completely unable to complete even the smallest task because my blood feels like it’s boiling and at the same time I’m pouring buckets of sweat, i.e, I’m sweating buckets -  Jamaani, if I could package and sell salt I’d be rich, eeyuu!! Hahahahaha! Wish I could see the look on your face….. hahahaha, but really, the days are so draining by the time it’s 6pm I am almost out of my mind with – I don’t know what– it’s not quite just the physical exhaustion, but mental as well, it’s like I need a blood transfusion of cold cold blood or a freezing cold super energy drink or SPINACH!! Who remembers Pop-Eye the sailor man??

If it’s not ice-cold I don’t want it, but I’m told ‘dawa ya moto ni moto’… so sometimes I make myself masala tea and sit under a fan sweating like a crazy woman.. I wonder how much longer before my brains blow out? Or maybe they have and I just don’t know it and kids and hubby are planning on taking me on a short one way trip to MMH. It may be a preferable solution.

For whom? (Hands to my lips) – Not me.

So, not yet. I will get meds for my overactive hormones and be a druggie – live on drugs and hormone therapy. Although I so dislike ‘estrogen’ ‘let’s share’ moments, I guess a pill will help. Or better yet, simply move to cooler climes and say bye-bye to this Hole of Heat...

But let me ask you - How do you cope with hot situations? Are you facing a particularly hot and hellish, sticky and sweaty situation with no solution that you can see?

Another Q: Is it easier to keep warm in the cold, or cool in hot weather? I guess it’s a matter of preference. Some, like me, can’t literally stand heat and wilt physically and mentally. Others thrive on heat and hot situations where the adrenalin rush is what they feed off to survive.  I think that is why when type A personalities know things will get erratic they don’t change course or go to a place with a cooler climate. They will take the heat and be the Last Man Standing, thriving on the Adventures of the Unexpected.

That’s good if life or fate throw you Ace cards but, only 1% of the Earth’s population are billionaires. The rest of us are chickens scrambling on the ground for seeds.

So for you, the 99%, what happens when Facing Heat in your life??

Come to Dar and you will think your hot problem is nothing but hot air – hmm -  but you know….… often times when people resort to comparisons I get so mad… let me expound…

You may be going through a bad phase in your life and when you share, the advice you get is ‘why are you complaining  -  the Indians in South India or Bangladesh have it much worse than you! Be THANKFUL!!’ or… ‘huh, at least you’re not living in Kibs’, or ‘you have a job… what are you complaining about, you know so-and-so doesn’t have a job and they are trusting God and smiling…’.

I feel bad and really rotten at the comparison. Like a worm. So ungrateful….

Then I get mad. Coz I’m not an Indian from Southern India and the thing is, I AM going through a bad phase. There is no instrument anywhere that can gauge the depth of suffering or misery and it is a terrible thing to receive ‘comparative’ advice.

Plus it is not acceptable behavior to get mad with God, it is seen as small-minded when you like, shout at Him and tell Him, ‘Dude, I hate my life!! Wass’up? I have done all I CAN DO, I pray, I am a good person, I give to the poor, I love you, I am not a murderer, I have sacrificed, WHY AM I STILL SUFFERING?’

Then, being truthful about your bad  is unacceptable and seen as a complaint.

Friend: How are you?

You: Sick

Friend: Oh

You: Yeah

Friend: So… how you feeling?

You: Sick and yukky

Friend: Gosh, you’re such a grouch!

Should we lie then?

There are so few Good Samaritans in today’s world that rush over to your house with hot soup when you’re ill, or in my case, friends rushing here with huge tubs of freezing ice-cream. Or maybe I am learning the mettle of my few friends…

LMAO!!

Moving on…. what I have observed is that when someone speaks the truth and claims negativity in their life, someone somewhere will be the Doctor of Philosophy and spew out that pathetic statement in a high receptionists ‘how can I help you’ tone…. ‘Try harder!’.

It’s a statement that assumes that you haven’t already looked at all the different resolutions (it’s your life!!).  It also assumes that life is a road paved with gold bricks when actually life is more like seeing the gold brick in someone’s compound and you KNOW you can’t touch that!

So because of the above, my observation is that people would rather lie or die than admit to being in hot and sticky situations. And their friends would rather not hear about it.

Obviously not me, but the diff is;  I laugh at myself.

I know my heat flushes will pass. (Google says about 10 years….) Everything does eventually. Pass.

Meanwhile I will do all I can to cope.  If living like a Vamp does it for me…. Well…Its part of the journey so I might as well enjoy it.

Nyakio’s Weird Adivce

Hot and sticky situation? Do whatever works for you because your situation is a reality. Scream, shout, jump up and down if it will help, but admit that it’s real. In other words, accept that you’re in too deep and some aspects of your life stink right now. Don’t pretend to yourself. In English, that is called Denial.  And Denial is not a river in Africa.

Punch a wall? Lol! No. A boxing punching bag works better. You can kick it too, and all with your headphones on and the music blaring in your ears. Nyummy!

If there is something that you can’t afford to do  - whether emotionally or physically, then  - Don’t.

If the sun hurts you, then keep OUT of it. If you can’t live in a cold climate, don’t move to Alaska. If the Doc said no salt in your diet, then don’t even LOOK at salt. If you can’t afford that car, then walk on by..

One day, I will stop being a Vampiric recluse and slowly begin emerging in the light of day. And your troubles… they too will end, because you will progressively work towards a solution but – hey,  remember that you may not get an instant cure or Miracle. And who says instant is better anyway? I love my coffee brewed, not instant.  As with coffee, so with life sometimes. It will take a while longer to brew, but don’t you just love the aroma of coffee as it’s brewing?  With life not all solutions are instant and it doesn’t help to try and hurry it along. Instead, make a sandwich to eat with the coffee - enjoy sunrises and sunsets and your children while you work out your problem. Whether it takes 5 days, or 5 years, it is temporary so don’t obsess with the negative, look for the joke.  Because seriously, do you expect me to not smile for 10 years??

Impossible.

So - find the fun, laugh a lot at yourself. Take photos now for memories and gather a collection of them together in a scrapbook (or online) to laugh at later, and to mark your life process. Good medicine that.

Or travel to Uganda and find the source of de Nile….

© NYAKIO MUNYINYI-OKALLO for The XpenSiev Report, March 2013

SILENT LETTERS [a satire]

On ‘Observing’ and ‘Being Observed’:-

Have you watched the movie Django?? If you haven’t you must be the only non-mlami this side of E.Africa that hasn’t, so put off your TV, stop watching Citizen and find a pirated copy to watch (duh! They are ALL pirated so stop lying to yourself and your shildrens…)

…But he (Django)would say, ‘ I have observed there are 42 tribes in Kenya…. The ‘4’ … (pause)..is silent..’

Things I have Observed:

Following the vote-counting process has been like taking a small single-engine plane to either Mt. Kilimanjaro or over the Rift Valley in really rotten weather. One second you’re up, the next second you’re down, the shift nauseates you, you don’t know which results to believe, conferences are cancelled last minute, GoverWho’s? are celebrating while the rest of us are still…. awake like zombies with Compound Eyes, waiting…, at the back of my mind is the fear that someone will say something really really stupid that will spark off a raging forest fire, I’m on my knees half the time, my nails are fake so I can’t chew them, the rest of my time I’m eyeballing Citizen or K24, and LHMercy, I have never in my life been so addicted to TWEETS!!

Other Things I have also Observed:-

Kenyans are blind and want to be blind and believe in blindness. This is a good thing, because we (all 42) are actually listening to each other when we advice one other (2, or 42?) to ‘have faith’ and ‘be patient’.

I looked up ‘faith’. It means ‘believing in what you can’t see’.

I looked up ‘patient’. It means ‘ bearing pains or trials CALMLY or without complaint’.

#Kudos2Kenyans. Give yourself a huge pat on the back. We are, most of us, practicing Patience, so add a ‘Dr’ infront of your name on your business card. Eg:-

Dr. Dre

Practicing Patience &

Blind Faith Clinic

(Note: If you need help with your patience or faith just sing out really loud ‘I need a Doctor’…) because practicing blind faith and leaning on patience is one of the hardest things on Earth to do. Trust me, I am a certified Doc.

Plus, I am proud to say that I am blind, I hold on to the belief that we shall continue being a peaceful peoples and nation in the days, weeks, months and years to come.  Please don’t prove me wrong dude, Sasa…..

More on Observing:-

….will someone please tell me where on Earth THARAKA-NITHI is?

I hear it’s a good place to go. Domestic Tourism.. Yes, I am asking where it is despite my claim that after staring at THAT MAP, you know, THAT MAP which changed colour every 5 seconds – THAT MAP, eeh, yah, I stared at THAT MAP for so long bila blinking that I can now draw, without tracing, all the counties in Kenya and name each one of them.

Well, THARAKA-NITHI eludes me.

But I would still get 50 + 1% on the map exam….. and now I know my mathematics, eerrrr… equations. Even if you add a y factor to the equation. Like (y= 50+1%)SEAT or should it be v+y(50+1)%=MV where v=votes and MV=Majority Vote??? Yes, now I don’t have to sing to Superman’s Theme song when helping my son with his Grade 7 math homework.. (Somebody heeeelP ME!)

Further Observations:-

… I will search for T.NITHI on Google international.

Eeh, sorry, google.ke.

Is Google a (media?) Can we trust Google? The Kenyan Media is doing a terrific job while we’re largely ignoring inflammatory remarks from the Internationals. Another #Kudos. You’re either with us or against us.

And guess what?? I can now also count fluently in Swa upto one million and I’m not blanking-out when the anchors say ‘nokta’.

Tuko pamoja??

On 'Being Observed':-

Hmm, my pet peeve this week is that while the 42 tribes have been lining up and voting, then waiting patiently for selected members of the 42 tribesmen to count first digitally then later manually (yaani, ukweli, the world has been moving from manual to digital and we’re doing the opposite!!#HatuWesMake) the results of whom of the 2 got the most votes for the 4^th Prezzo Seat, guess what, some irresponsible dude is trying to sell off a piece of Gazetted Land of Kenya to some ‘Internationals’ for a paltry* sum of money.. oops, did I say land? Maybe that’s why it’s being sold, because it’s not Land pe se but a part of the ocean, a marine park, as in ocean, sea, maji, waters -  yup…

screen pic of Private Islands online

But, it still is within Kenya’s Boundary, even though it’s a bit of land in a lot of water, it’s still ours. Do you know a good shark that can look into this pro-bono?? Email me or tweet on #KeSaveKISITE. Plus be sentimental for a sec and check that nice pretty pic on the side, isn’t it amazing?? I reeaally wish  I was a RB right now coz I’d buy that Island just to keep it in KE.

More on 'Being Observed':

So, what have you been doing while the majority of the silent ‘4’2 have been glued to their sets?? Hmm?? Mama’s asking.

Have you been good or bad, or very - very bad?

Hmm….

Have you been at play, while the cat’s been away?

The individual selling the Marine Park gets my 100% BAD tick in the box. He’s not being… transparent. Someone spotted him.

Observation: What matters is your level of transparency when it’s dark, no pun intended. Are you see-through in the dark? Invisible? If I shouted MULIKA!! at you this past week, would someone spot you and shout MWIZI?? Who have you caught grabbing transformer oil (..but y lie, those chipos are tamu!!)

I think that is what really decides who you ARE as a person, an individual - it denotes your character. Why be good when you’re being watched? It proves Zero. Nothing. Zilch.

…. Noticed anything fishy going on in your home or workplace apart from the boss being away and turning into a couch-viazi?

2 things to think about:

1. The International Community is watching us. We’re being good. What would happen if they weren’t watching? Or if KE was still in the Dark Ages (Before Twitter, FB, B4 report hate lineSMS and #KOT) Would we be still be governed by blind faith and patience?

2. Only Women should be Presidents. Because on top of everything else, they still do housework and clean up whether they are watched or not.. and if they can’t do it they employ someone who can, and pay them with the husband’s money. Or if they can’t do it during the day they do it at night.

A Final Observation:-

Ok, now, please check these numbers: It’s a test

5,829,279

4,859,698

Observe them closely…..the NUMBERS

AGAIN.

Repeat them in Swa.

Now, if you have nowhere near those numbers in your ka-bank account in Ksh(and hell, I know you don’t) then haaiya!! twende kazi ! Because in the end it’s what’s in your BA that counts and that is no BS.

(1)Stop breaking the Mututho Law, Mututho has already been broken and thrown out…(2) sleep arrears is not a bank account and if it’s true that it takes 7 days to break a habit, then all our thieves have been re-habilitated as they can’t burgle your house while you’re all awake…. So, can we agree to be transparent in the dark and go back to work, Kenyan workers for Kenyan bosses and Kenyan Bank Accounts, and build our beautiful nation? After all, it belongs to 42 of us, no silent letters.

THE END

((Ladies you’re exempt from that last remark as we’re good at doing things in the dark and still remain invisible… sorry-Transparent)

*I use the term ‘paltry’ because MPUNGUTI KISITE MARINE PARK is described as priceless

© NYAKIO MUNYINYI-OKALLO March 2013 for The X-Pensieve Report.