Emotional Trauma and the Truth That It Never Really "Goes Away"

Emotional Trauma & "Surviving Abuse"

“A person who experienced any six or more of the categories” of childhood trauma, Dr Felitti tells me, “was 4600 percent more likely to become an IV [injecting] drug user later in life than a person who experienced none of them.” He adds: “I remember the epidemologists at the CDC told me those were numbers a magnitude of which they see once in a career. You read the latest cancer scare of the week in the newspaper and something causes an increase of 30 percent in breast or prostate cancer and everybody goes nuts – and here, we’re talking 4600 percent.”

It wasn’t until I read this article - attached to the end of this short read -  that so many situations became clarified in my mind. This reading also triggered me like a sandbag hitting my head because in poured those memories of where I had been intolerant of myself, but more so of my own TribesPeople including fam and friends – the whole entire group of us who have suffered at the hands of an abuser. I’m writing this not only to apologize but to also share the article because of it’s implications to us all.

Many of us became TribesPeople because of how we had been raised by dastardly parents; by trauma which happened to us as children; and those same parents who in their colonized and ugly and unknowing ignorance shoved down their children’s throats the white man's rules of behavior and all it’s subliminal hatred of anything that’s melanated.

Ha! My own life was a mess of trying to be ‘African&Proud’, and anything I did well was praised with smiles and jubilation with words like ‘uhana muthuungu’ [I act ‘white’] and all I did wrong was scoffed off as, “lord have mercy, how disgustingly ‘African’ can you get?” and ehh! often these judges of character would use the word, ‘meero’ which in itself was a dirty word, so dirty you’d immediately take off in a fast Kenyan sprint to shed off traces of it - how our athletes run!! They don't run like Meero's no! He's international!   Meero was worse than being called Nigga – infact, being called a Nigga was to strut in pride [imagine that sad state of affairs]. In my childhood I could not comprehend this because I loved my colour, I did. I was inherently PROUD of it [and thought Grace Jones was the most magnificent woman ever] but over and over again being African meant being little more than nothing – even Elephants and Lions and Ethopians had more magnificence than the African person. Now  – add that nasty mix to many answers found in the article link below, and basically I was one #Woke but utterly #repressed individual – and sadly, I was #Woke at a generation where many were sheeple.

Later on I strode out in magnificence of “ME” and gave ALL my children names that had not an iota of ‘English’ in them. Let me tell you about that – this was in the early 1990’s – and I put my foot down. I wasn’t going to call anything grown out from my proud African womb a ‘mzungu’ name. Banish the thought!! HOW? It’s a part of me, I can’t label it something that’s not ME..

Little did I know about The HEADACHES, The QUESTIONS and the sheer weight of NASTINESS of that single decision.

Any institution. eg :the hospital:

Nurse or Admin: ’so, what’s your child’s name?’

Me.: Holding my gorgeous beautiful fat baby in my arms “Noni”

>>> long stare at me like I’m thick headed – then:

                  “……..what’s her ENGLISH name?”

Me: “She doesn’t have an English name, she’s African”

Nurse: >>>> >>> long stare at me like I’m thick headed – then:

                  “You must be black American…” [warms up a lot – suddenly I feel heat like she’s on fire and her smile is dazzling bright. I blink] So that’s her first name? She's sooo beautiful....

Me: Yes. Noni [I bask in the heat..]

Warm Nurse: Ok [Scribbles and speaks at the same time…..] Muthoni  who?

Me: No. Not “Muthoni”…… en ohhh ennn eye. NONI (I spell the letters out slowly and kiss my baby on the forehead)

Nurse getting re-annoyed: Noni who?

I give a name which begins with an O. It’s AFRICAN. It’s not Mzungu or ‘Black American’.

Nurse looks up from writing:

“What?”

I repeat..

Ice enters the room. She becomes the Snow Queen….

………………………………..

I had defied the norm with a capital T and N,  and that wasn’t on. I was attacked on every single level for that simple decision. You know, Life is tough in a Sheeple dominated world: It became worse when Noni had to go to school – they’d ask for a ‘baptism certificate’ to prove that she’s ‘baptized’ – wtf?? And without this proof of baptism, a child could not go to school - she had been – that’s another story of fighting over a name – and a ‘condition’ of ‘indoctrination’  but the point is, calling a child an “African name” got me into a few million problems – there was even the pastor who told me my child won’t go to heaven. …

I went through FUNK…

… and I’m sure you have too.

But… Pause.

because, 

… I’m going to switch the tables here real quick and say that those of us who have been raised by sheeple in a sheeple dominated world have a life view which is stamped as ‘diseased’ by the sheeples. They give us psycho titles that we willingly accept and grab [we’d do anything to feel normal – whatever that is] and in feeble attempts to morph into their world, because yes, this world didn’t belong to us – the mental, the tribes-people, the mad, the insane, the bi-polar, the depressive, the un-natural, the eccentric – the one’s who don’t do things according to the book but instead dance to their own tune. ‘Ametupa mbao!’ is the explanation for going mad with grief… for mad we become because we grieve;- if you have been traumatized from by any type of abuse –

you grieve the loss of

                  your joy

                  innocence

                  trust..

and you cry internally because where ever you are you’re holding back, you’re automatically suspicious, you ‘see things’ where you didn’t before because now you know… you know the behavior patterns of abusers… and you run….

….you lock down emotionally - internally - but the pain is still in there, unaccepted by everyone including you. Then the flashbacks happen.

I hate them; that sick moment where I’m frozen in terror, the stomach rising, heart thumping like it’s going to lurch itself right out of my chest like an alien horror movie, the dizziness, the shaking knees, the sweaty hands and sweatier forehead? And I’m supposed to say it’s OKAY? No wonder the fear and the drugs and the ah ah ah alcohol behavior – this is expected and NORMAL. But what the abuser doesn’t want you to know is that you’re normal and considering what you went through, your behavior is ACCEPTED BEHAVIOR. If you put a hole in a canoe for fuck sakes it will sink! But emotionally abused people are in so much pain, and hurting so much, they barely can think for others let alone themselves. Which means when they hear, “oh, this will be good for you” they automatically accept it. We turn right round and reject ourselves and call ourselves as ‘abnormal’ when inside we’re fighting and saying “NOOOOOOOooooo!!! This isn’t NORMAL!!”

To TribesPeople and all 1stBorns:

[because 1st born children are often raised as ‘experiments..’…]

Forgive me when I say that your behavior is NORMAL.

Forgive for the times that even I, in this same Tribe, ever alluded to or said words to the effect, “...... get.over it” because we don’t. We never ever get ‘over it’ in the sense that we’re fine and walking around like we’re scar less. And We DO get broken. And Shattered into fragments. And bloody traumatized to hell and back.

To conclude is this post I had put up on another medium:-

A long word:
Sooooo...the truth is that there really is no "recovery" for survivors of Physical Abuse. Or DMV. Or Adultery. Or Rape. Or having stupid parents - Child Abuse, Rape, Neglect - all and any Emotional Trauma - there is NO Recovery.

Most people think and expect that "recovery" means moving on like the trauma didn't happen. That's insane thinking. Of course it happened and the person is emotionally scarred for life. Just like if you have an operation...you will have the scar for life -sometimes you forget it's there, other times it hurts and you feel it constantly. Now get this; WHAT people do after their emotional trauma and HOW they live thereafter is THEIR personal LIFE experience.. we can only look, listen and LOVE. Repeat. It’s their battle. It’s a miracle that they even get up in the morning and function…

ONLY IF we are ASKED PERSONALLY can we give advice and even then it's not a must that it is taken. We are all different and we all behave DIFFERENT. There is NEVER anything like "its my way or the frickin' highway!" In other words, just give the traumatized person - love; acceptance and a bag load of THEIR OWN TIME - to grieve the loss of their joy and trust; give also - hugs, smiles, good wholesome food, sweets and sweet foods, sleep, rest, laughter, hugs and tissues for crying jags. Never use the word STOP on a person.. da fuck!... give love and tissues and laughter. Nobody, but nobody, will ever respond the exact same way to any TRAUMA (unless they're Twins and even then ...) Our Creator didn't make us the Same.  Give LOVE. GIVE LOVE to any Traumatized person.

Finally. To abusive parents who hit their kids and shout at them or did, to husbands and wives who hit their spouses. To Teachers who are abusive to their students. To Rapists - all of you.
On the same note: That spouse you beat repeatedly. That person you raped. That person you emotionally abused. They will never "recover". Ever. You have damaged a Human Being and as much as they try to "forget" , they WILL NOT. There are flashbacks and triggers and the shit returns... that's LIFE. I've sat with women who are the same age as I am and they still have deep issues with things their TEACHERS said to them over 40 years ago! Listen, memories can be covered up and balmed over with ‘ointments’ and ‘medications’ and psycho analyzed to shit...but THAT SHIT YOU did - it remains.  Just think about THAT. You are an abuser. You DID it... it CANNOT BE ERASED.you broke.and.scarred.a.human.being.forever.  And You have to Live with That Abuser Title.
Forever. Karma is a bitch.
Spread Love like free air and Blueband on Bread. Never Hate. Never
Ever
Ever
Raise a Hand To Hit.

Fellow Tribes People. Don’t be tagged and put in a coffin world of pills and more pills and mental institutions! Wake up, Point out the TRUTH, and scream and shout and tell it as it is! Otherwise, THE ABUSER gets away scot-free.

            This then, is society

                  today.

Click to Read:>>  Factors that make people 4600% more susceptible to Drugs& Alcohol

 XpenSieve Report© 2017

[Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to xPenSieve© with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.]