it's a TRUST issue

So this week the general panic amongst women has been all about men behaving badly at Sports Events, and the same women asking the Government to ‘ban’ all forms of drinking and entertainment, so that their men don’t go out and misbehave.. Pshhh… seriously?? Ok, the Machakos Sevens was shock-on-all of us, but, does that really determine the future behavior of our adult men? 

p/s Alcohol consumption was banned during the Kababeri 7’s this weekend, and during all future sporting events.

So I’m sitting here, and pondering, heck, how does one get to that point of desperation over your man/housebound/BFF, whatever… that you SERIOUSLY think that banning scheduled sports events is going to keep Dick in his pants? Let’s not even joke here, I throw my hands up in the air because, frankly, most relationships are so so so… let’s face it – hypocritical.

How many of your friends don’t bitch behind his or her back and say that they wouldn’t trust their partner out of sight?

I heard a woman comment recently about how she trusts that her Long-distance-Boyfriend hasn’t, to date, and won’t sleep around,  and if he does, he would tell her – and she got shot by automatic gunfire from 4 different angles – it hurt to watch, it was a massacre. She couldn’t put in a word edgewise – rat-a-tat-tat, despite trying to defend herself, she was caught defenseless, her arguments shot down, the onslaught continuing, the automatic gunfire so vehement and ferocious, the woman was bleeding in minutes and left to die on the ground.

One trust statement = Death.

And yes, there was the final parting shot that was meant to finish her off, and the woman in question who spat it out gyrated her neck and uttered a loud ‘nkt!’ and promised the poor woman a future full of STD’s.

Yes, we should be careful, but at which point do we as women dig down and destroy a solid relationship that thrives on a foundation of trust and love?

Ask yourself the following:-

Is this then what we do as women, do we sow seeds of hate, rather than of love and admiration?  Do we take isolated Machokos7’s events and throw the mud all over those who weren’t involved, simply generalizing sports fans, then crying Wolf to the authorities?

Desperation makes strange bedfellows, and most consenting adults in Nairobi live together out of – well – desperation. Either she got pregnant, or she had to get married because a.b.c.d.e.f.g…etc, or the parents hounded them with YOU MUSTS.

Few relationships are built on a LOVE thing. Or based on TRUST. When I counsel couples , most say that they cannot have TRUST, whether it’s the emotion, or the condom, both are rarely used within the marital home–  apparently TRUST does NOT factor at all in marriage. I find this truth, sad.

It all falls back to the silliness of suspicions, superstitions and listening to archaic stories or mother-in-laws bad mouthing their sons’ girlfriends and brewing hate. Men, tell your mothers to stop sowing hate seeds, any children from your union with your wife will be your mom's RELATIVES, NOT BY MARRIAGE, BUT BY BLOOD. (yes, you can read that again – children are blood relatives, Mother’s aren’t. So, emotionally, who belongs MORE TO A FAMILY? BLOOD or a legal sanction?)

Moving on….

I can count relationships based on true love and trust with both my hands and unfortunately, the men concerned have been Out of Africa and gotten ‘European’ or ‘Mzungu’ habits….., they are sometimes ridiculed by friends for being ‘kaliad’ like chapatis, and everyone gives strange nasty advice to these fortunate few, advice meant to destroy relationships and not build it up, advice that comes from a background of deep fear and mistrust of the opposite sex, where the opposite sex is the enemy, never a friend, where secrets must be kept and never discussed, where holding hands in public is a sign of being a wimp and where leaning on your spouse for financial, physical or emotional  strength is ridiculed, where the word trust is an oxymoron and where laughing together until your ribs crack and you rush to the loo before the canal bursts is considered idiotic behavior for teenagers.

So, let’s do the next thing and give rotten advice. This is what I hear:-

He did what? Punish him. Give him nil by mouth and jilock sex.

                  Lie to her, don’t tell her you dated 20 women before you met her….

Don’t enjoy sex after marriage  – he will think you’re a whore

                   Why you running home? You’ve been kaliaad like a chapo

You don’t go through his phone? Haiya… you must!

                  Give her money for shopping, Budda, isn’t she working?

Cook him dinner and buy ati a what, ka ‘negli’ who? You’re a mother, throw those things away!!

                  Go out with her WHY? NO! It’s a BOY’s hang, wives not allowed. Take her out next week, if you must…

Girl, why are you ALWAYS with your man, why do you tag around him, don’t you have a LIFE?

                Hugs, kisses? In public? Wifey? Dude, next you’ll be tweeting  #no homo

And the list goes on…

Hence, I can count those I call my irresistible happy couples with both hands. Less than 10.  And I love hanging out with these happy couples. They are so undeniably in love with each other, hardly unable to keep apart for very long. I’m sure you’ve seen them. At some point during the [evening] these love-bird couples re-attach like magnets, coming together from polar ends of entertaining guests, either twinning hands or touching shoulders, or he draping an arm around her chair. It’s a lovely joy to watch.

I once walked round the corner of a homestead where I had gone to celebrate and take photographs at a traditional ‘ngurario’.., Camera strap round my neck,  I was playing ‘hide n seek’ and chasing my niece down a path on the side of the house, and rounding a corner, I bumped into a couple, married for years, in the middle of a kissing tangle. Embarrassed, I made a rude noise, and he looked down at me and said,

‘Nyakio, what’s your problem, I’m kissing my wife!!’.

This then is what we should aspire to, and if we do not attain that level, we shouldn’t become like Lot’s wife and keep peering back over our shoulders in jealousy, or hurt, at those who have been lucky or blessed, or worked their butts off to get such beautiful relationships. Because unfortunately, those that keep looking backwards turn into good-for-nothing pillars of hard-as-rock-salt. Petrified and calcified, these women look nasty, give bitter advice and are sour to the core.

With house-rules that make sex a weapon of war instead of a pathway to love – isn’t it a wonder that their men run-off, looking for peace, joy, and a warm breast to lay their weary heads on? And a copious amount of alcohol to drown the guilt, because, in all honesty, why would a man go looking for samosas with hyena-meat fried in Transmitter oil, nje -  if he has marinated steak at home, served on a table that has good cutlery and with a good chilled wine to boot?

What? In your home you don’t serve wine? Get real. Fine, she will serve him wine. And clap. (pun intended, since there’s no Trust in your home}

BTW: Please explain to me why ‘good cutlery ‘ is ‘only for the guests’ and not for THE HUSBAND?? Why is that DRESS worn only when you’re going out and not worn, braless and pantyless, FOR THE HUBBY?? Doesn’t he have appreciating eyes and wandering hands?

Women, it’s not the government that will stop your men from straying. It’s you who shall rectify that particular problem. It means being real, letting go of situations that are out of your control, reining in that which can be brought into control, accepting what you can change and what you can’t. It’s repeating the Serenity Prayer daily if not every other minute.

Guys, and Honey's, keeping up with the Joneses/Kamau’s is a fake ideology that will ruin your marriage. Don’t let people interfere, no. never. It’s not their problem, it’s your problem so keep THEM ALL out of it, from Pastor to Mother-in-law to best friends to psychiatrists to busybody aunties and interfering nagging grandmothers….

In fact, the less you discuss your problems with others, the stronger that relationship is, the deeper and more beautiful.

And go see a sex therapist while you’re at it. For a deed that’s performed at least 3 times a week, it’s amazing how couples refuse to discuss this-oh-so-intimate subject, yet they will go for courses in mundane stuff like IT and gloss them to perfection to glean points from employers who will sack them at the blink of an eye, but refuse to receive Sex Counseling or attend programs for a lifetime Marriage.

eerr….. NO.

Watching Porn doesn’t count as ‘instructive teaching’, nope.

Ladies, in conclusion, if you despise your man’s touch [and men live to touch], then walk away from that relationship. We’re in 2014, don’t bring archaic rules into your house.

Hate will never ever seduce Love to enter a room.

Neither will lies.

Or selfishness.

Or a lack of trust.

I often say that we were instructed by Christ, to love ourselves FIRST. Only then can we treat others well – for the rule is – treat your neighbor as you would yourself. If you hate and despise yourself honey, you will, underneath it all, hate and despise a whole load of people simply because your foundation is built on hate, desperation and dismay. So let go of the hate and pride and get rocking into a love mode.

As for men who are full of crap and treat women like junk?

Simple.

Nyakio’s Out Of The Box Advice

Yap, there are those guys who are just plain bad. If he keeps going out and messing around, no Government law is going to stop him. No pastor, family friend, counselor, mother, father-in-law or lawyer is going to stop Domestic Violence, Alcoholism, Sex Addiction, Emotional abuse, Breaking Promises, Lies,  Un-forgiveness or a lack of communication… change comes from within a person, not from without.

And like I said up there, if you despise your man’s touch, then why ARE you there? – and don’t hold your children up in front of you as a defense shield.

…. the solution for men who are full of crap and treat women like junk?

Girl, dump It.

Seriously.

Constipation [being full of crap] is bad for the Heart.

I kid you not.

[Constipation is bad for the heart]

further reading: [http://marriage.about.com/od/marriagetoolbox/a/harmfulbehav.htmHarmful behavior in marriage]

Nyakio J. Munyinyi for the XpenSieve Report© August 2014

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