Men Shatter Too and The Art of Kintsugi

 

The Art Of Kintsugi

I want you to think of a glass. No. GO. Get a glass. Drop it on a tiled kitchen floor.

Will it break?

Will it shatter?

Women.

Men.

All shatter. And it hurts. Horribly and dreadfully, and if it feels like your heart has been ripped into three, then it FEELS like your heart has been ripped into three. The brain does not differentiate between ‘physical’ and what is now being called ‘social ’ pain. IT IS ALL PAIN.

So when she doubles over in emotional pain, holding her stomach and crying her heart out, and is unable to move from a fetal position on the floor or bed – it is PAIN. Him too.

They call it Kintsugi –

The Japanese have an ancient and charming art form called Kintsugi.

This is when they aggrandize, add value and glorify broken ceramics with a gold-filled resin.

It made me pause and I asked a question, What if we all took this simple mending and apply it to the souls and spirits of human beings? Mending hearts and souls with gold?  The thought stunned me in it’s simplicity. It’s simply beautiful and heartwarming – because, by mending a broken ceramic dish with gold - the belief is that the object has added value and is more beautiful when repaired, even though in the past it once was ugly.  Broken, shattered, use less (not useful) and ugly.

Think about that.

We often reject broken people, and if we’re the broken person, WE are rejected – this habit is so prevalent in our society that I’ve noticed of late that people who are broken also reject THEMSELVES. I know I did.

Have you?

 Wait, think a bit…

 Hmmm…

On a scale of 1 – 10, if you have been broken or shattered, how BAD do you think you are as a person, are you a good person or a bad person, is your past full of crap, are you full of shit? What do you think of yourself?

1     2       3       4       5       6          7       8        9        10

Choose a number before you read on…..

Yes, we reject the horror of people’s pasts and ask them, ... No. Scratch that - We demand of our friends a silence concerning their past hurts and failures, bundling and allocating them all to the kingdom of ‘It Didn’t Happen’ and ‘Ignore It’.  We do not want to KNOW the stories about how they were dropped, broken and shattered, and unfortunately, if we do know or hear a story, we exaggerate and pass on their story in the form of a Breaking News broadcast.

 So when we ourselves are broken, is it a wonder that we tend to swallow the sharp shattered pieces of glass and pretend to hide them inside our soft bellies? I say pretend because they aren’t really hidden -  because, we bleed continuously, internally, destroying ourselves on every level, physically and spiritually, we maim our souls, our finances, our relationships, our emotions, our thoughts and our minds  - ALL - become affected and - we break down on one of those levels. Something gives. Choose one, either someone breaks down physically – their health just goes whack, or emotionally, or spiritually, or relationships break, or finances are affected……..

We think we’re hiding the shattered shards of glass by swallowing them, when instead each bit of glass slashes and slices our vulnerable inner beings into frayed raw slices of flesh.

Broken is broken.

Whether our breaking was accidental or unintended, whether it was deliberate or cruelly measured and meticulously planned out – we need to accept that our hearts are broken, we need to talk about it in a safe environment, shout it out from the depths of our cores, scream it out in a vast open field where only birds can hear, or wrench it out like vomit from the depths of our stomachs where only bitter bile survives – we must release our brokenness from our inner selves.

Shout out the ugly truth, release the hurt.

If a friend approaches you and shares that their  heart hurts -  please  please for the sake of Donkeys in Limuru - don’t murmur meaningless platitudes and mumble, ‘it will be okay’ … because it won’t be.

The glass that you shattered up there at the beginning of this story…

Now say sorry to it.

Okay.

Did it go back to the way it was before?

Duh…Nope.

Do you understand now?

Being Sorry will NOT HELP  a broken person. Saying Sorry will NOT HELP either.

 

Nyakio’s out of the box advice

Either:      You caused the shattering and breaking and hurting.

Or :            You’re the shattered one

Or:             You’re a friend of either the one who did the breaking or the one who was shattered.

Question: What do you do?

ANSWER: Accept that you’re already involved.

1. If you hurt someone and you want to make it okay, you have to take out the Gold Kit and help them stick the pieces together. That’s called responsibility, don’t hurt someone and simply walk away. People who do that are called Cads with a capital C and Bitches with a capital B.

2. Stop CAUSING hurt and leaving smashed wrecks behind you. 

IMAGE from Matt CHANDLERbtw…    NO is a full sentence.

Don't give your phone number, Don’t answer the phone call, don’t approach him/her, don’t send a text. It’s better NOT to start a relationship and be called ‘cold’ and ‘unapproachable’ rather than breaking a soul.

(A lack of sex never killed anyone)

You have been hurt.

1. If you’re the hurt person, don’t swallow a single piece of glass in denial. If it hurts and you’re RE-acting in any form, from crying to withdrawal to over spending or abusing alcohol or substance abuse to becoming over religious or fanatical in any way - find a network of friends or join a self-help recovery group immediately.  I honestly find that those who are in self help recovery groups and who regularly attend meetings are far healthier and happier individuals than those in religious establishments. Kweli.

2. Healing takes time. Accept it. Don’t try and ‘be okay’ by next week.

Involved friend.

Performing the Art of Kintsugi

The glass has shattered. The plate is broken. The pot is fractured.

In the place of platitudes, pick the pieces up slowly by listening – use the two appendages stuck to the side of your head (called ears) instead of using your one and only mouth – God really did give us two ears for a reason.

So. Don’t advice. Just shut up and listen.

Don't give advice. Shut up and listen. Let them talk
out their pain.

Why do I know this with a strong and certain assurance?

Because last year, I was broken. Implausibly, irrevocably and irretrievably shattered – fragmented beyond my wildest nightmares, I was almost taken to the institution in Muthaiga Heights… ya, MMH. I had also swallowed so much glass, I was ugly inside, good for nothing and foul. What changed, you ask? God sent an Angel to me who ministered to my shattered wounded heart. 

So, if you care deeply for a friend with a broken heart and a messed up past, get out the Gold kit. The Kintsugi. You’re a Godsend. You are their Godsend.

Do exactly what you would do if they were physically hurt in an automobile accident and had shattered limbs and punctured lungs.

Listen.

Don't condemn.

Give: Vitamins (buy them if necessary) rest, sleep, give love, funny stories and understanding. Good words, empathy, gentle encouragement. Smiles,  hugs, gentle touches, holding hands, giving a shoulder, encouragement, positive language. Perform the ART of Kintsugi on their broken hearts. Aggrandize, add value and glorify  the broken person with a gold-filled resin. The resin? Your best, your love, your time, your words, your friendship, your HUMANITY.

It’s for a time. It may take 3 but not more than 6 months, once or twice a  week.

When the person is aggradized, they can go back to the business of life and living and look for a good self-help group. If you’ve done a good job, be proud that you were a good fundi. People often say, but Nyakio, I can’t get involved without letting go.

Since when, seriously, did you take a car to a mech, he repairs the problem, and then tells you, ‘but now that it’s working, and it’s good to go, ni yangu!!’ Or a tailor, he repairs your outfit then tells you, ‘this is gorgeous, now it’s mine?’  DUDE!!! WHAT THE HELL??

Hahahahaha….

What's in it for me, you dare ask?  Duh. Make the world a better place. It's YOUR world. Plus. If you’re a Godsend, God will repay His Debts. He Always Does. Go ask God. Seriously. Don’t bug the person who you repaired.

Lastly, hey:

Don’t Fear Being Broken or Hurt

Live, fall in love and love deeply. Don’t hold back for fear of being hurt. And here I’m talking to those of you who have been hurt severely in relationships so as a stop-guard against further pain and hurt you ‘stop loving’ and put up walls and boundaries.

Stop it.

Take time. Heal.

Get out of 'hosipital'.

Bounce back into life with a PASSION.

People often remark to me, ‘gosh, you look stunning.....'

And inside I smile. Because my beauty has come from being broken over and over and over, and God continuously filling my cracks in with Gold and aggrandizing me.

I repeat:  By mending a broken ceramic dish with gold - the belief is that the object has added value and is more beautiful when repaired, even though in the past it once was ugly.

Alone and whole, we do not have Gold. You have to be broken to get aggrandized.

Nyakio J. Munyinyi for the XpenSieve Report© 2014

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