WHEN I HAVE TO CLEAN UP YOUR TOXIC MESS

When I was a kid my dad would keep telling me off, ‘Nyakio, stop being so CONTRARY!!’ pronounced : (con-tray-ree) I’d peer at him with my huge eyes and wonder, ‘whaaaat!!??! Ok, first off, I had no idea what that ‘big’ word meant (I was 6)… so after a couple of times of being told off, I looked it up in his humongous Oxford Dictionary (yup – no computers or Google back then in the 1960’s…) first searching for the word under ‘K’, getting nowhere, then after asking him how it was spelt, I finally found a definition which went something like:-

{(a) perversely inclined to (i) disagree or to (ii) do the opposite of what is expected or desired: she is sulky and contrary where her work is concerned} . Well, I wasn’t a sulky child, far from it, I was more like… shy and withdrawn, so I disagreed with my father’s portrayal  - because as far as my six year old self was concerned - it didn’t apply to me.

End of story.

For about 20 years. When I came up against that word again. 

Well, it kind of stumbled into my mind when I was rummaging in there for a word to describe a certain type of adult human behavior I’ve been witnessing too much of late. There’s a set of people who are so exceedingly contrary that you and I both really dislike hanging around them… they constantly do the exact opposite in deed and talk. Promises are carelessly and casually given: your time has no meaning to them and is squandered thoughtlessly: give a simple task, they do the opposite. Never ask a contrary person for favors – they won’t be met, ask a simple question, they don’t answer it  - but instead launch into an extended belligerent monologue – making you wonder why on earth you ever thought you’d get any kind of simple answer. Take for example my neighbor who a while back cut a tree in his yard and let it (purposely) fall in our compound, blocking the driveway….. oh oh oh oh!! We only wanted that mess off our drive, but when Hubby went to talk to the tree-cutting-director (ngai fafa!!)– he got an ear-full of insults and reasons why-the-tree-MUST-be cut down plus the unnecessary info that he’d already used (read misused) the money that the landlord gave him for a professional lumberjack so he had to do it himself and look-there’s-a-hole-in-my-roof- so why are you bugging me about the ‘small branch’ in your driveway, you have a gardener.. let him clear my mess! All in fluent Dar swa by the way!

Have you come across adults like that at least once in your life? Their habitual negativity spills into your life and leaves you with a toxic mess which you have to clean up, using your own resources.

Contrary.

It’s okay when it’s a child or teenager – in fact, it’s expected for them to do the opposite of whatever you tell them, but adults?

When my dad told me I was contrary, it was because (true) I was being (i) creative and (ii) inquisitive. That’s okay for a growing child. For me to be creative, I had to go against the norm, constantly questioning why certain forms, formats, models and colours had to be treated in a certain technique and me purposely trying out the exact opposite, just for fun and to see ‘what would happen’. That’s why we go to school and ‘play around’ in science labs. To learn.

But as adults, to what extent can we fling aside the rules that our governments and schools and religious leaders and parents have laid down for our safety and benefit to do our own thing before people begin pointing fingers while commenting on our contrariness “- he’s acting like he Rules the world and like rules were made to be broken- who does he think he is?”…

Because being overly contradictory and balking the rules means that we cannot fit into society proper. It’s fine to be a little different as a child (although that also gets kids in trouble) and as a teenager,  but honestly, as an adult we must drop the habit, or know how to handle it. Society fits into agreeable patterns of ‘how to do things’ and according to my-pastor-who-doesn’t-want-to-be-called-Pastor-Charles, the way we do things is what’s called a ‘culture’ –  you hear of office cultures, tribal cultures, religious cultures… even World Day cultures like ‘May Day’, ‘Labour Day’, ‘Kenyatta Day’, ‘Valentines Day’ and ‘Halloween’.

While we’re all allowed – to some degree - to be contrary, the difference is in how it affects us in the long run. So alright, we don’t have to celebrate Valentines Day and we think Halloween is basically an American tradition so we in Africa don’t bother to honor that day, that’s ok, but as we grow older, extreme contrariness and being difficult and different all the time affects those we’re in relationships with be it lover, spouse, children or co-workers.

For example, You’re 20… so what if you don’t subscribe to the ‘saving’ culture and spend impulsively? It’s been hammered into your brain by parents, teachers, the pastor, banks, insurance companies – you name it – that you’re supposed to save, save, save! But the contrary ones decide to do the opposite of what is expected and mouth frequently that ‘I’M YOUNG AND WILD AND FREE’ is their motto and ‘YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE’ their favorite mantra - so – ‘where’s the parry?” and “I see, I buy”….chapa in- chapa out..

Now you’re 26. You’ve formed a habit. Add a couple of years. You’re still disregarding the SAVE rules. Add 4 years.. you’re approaching a mid-life-crisis like a Fuso Truck filled with Cement Bags on a free-roll down a high and steep road… and you haven’t saved a cent, yet you have a wife and a family who struggle with living hand-to-mouth, and because of your carelessness, they suffer daily.

Quick Q: How many men over 23 do you know who are still living with their mama or sister? Stop counting when you run out of fingers in the one hand. A common habit I dislike is those harambee cards for weddings. So ok, you’re my friend, but why should I part with 100,000/- for your wedding when you have been working and living single for more than 4 years? Plus you still expect a wedding gift from me? Wait one! You knew you’d get married one day, why didn’t you save for it? Thank goodness our banks can see more clearly than some men do and have introduced ‘Wedding Accounts’!! 

Or the young girl who is constantly warned to change her sexual habits, she doesn’t and brings a baby home to her already frustrated mother then dumps baby and leaves.

Being Contrary doesn’t mean being aggressively negative. You can have a charming outer personality that attracts people, and your contrariness sometimes takes a very subtle form that may go undetected for years by even those close to you. These are ‘yes’ people. They say Yes to whatever you say implying that they will get the job done, but a few hours or days or weeks or even years later you discover that the task was never began and they never intended to do it anyway, ever.

That’s being Contrary…

Or, take those who after some time of working the same job become ‘care-less’ and go against their bosses expectations: eg, The boss expects me to report in at 8am every morning but I have this attitude that I can walk in at 10a.m. because I leave work at 8pm anyway… (avoiding traffic). Or the lunch break that grows ever longer….I have also observed men and women out there who don’t honor their spouses or partners with a gift or flowers or a card (yaani nada) on Special Days (Birthdays, Wedding Anniversaries etc) year after year, because that’s not his way and she’s never done it and it’s not how he/she was raised so he or she is not about to start now.

That’s being Contrary…

Think… who do you know that even if they come to you for advice on an issue, you know you’re wasting your breath because they either won’t follow your advice or worse, halfway through your explanation they begin to argue with you? Or you tell her the appointment is at 9 but it’s actually at 11 because you KNOW she will be 2 hours late  - or – I love this – many women have come up to me and told me how they get flipping mad because their BF’s never picks them up on time! Never! She invariably waits (wherever) for upto 2 hours, but Lordy cry me a bucket if she does the same to him and keep him waiting for just a half hour!!! And his excuses are legion.

That’s being Contrary.

Being contrary and forming a habit of it infuriates others. In the end, we all tend to leave the Contrary person alone with thoughts like ‘achana naye – that’s how she is!’ and basically you’re written off because you can’t depend on someone who is always constantly purposely contrary. They will do the opposite of whatever you expect and it’s usually negative.

Fortunately or unfortunately, depending on how you view it,  the very Rich who are Contrary are called eccentric… look at Micheal Jackson, Elton John, Lady Gaga, Madonna…. The list is endless, but they’re allowed their eccentricity because they can afford to go against popular culture – infact – their contrariness is copied by their fans and they make money off it.

Ha ha ha, If I, Nyakio wore a ‘meat’ dress and strolled downtown with a matching ‘meat’ handbag, wolololo!!  I’d probably be arrested for being a public nuisance or thrown into Mathare Mental Hospital because I’ve clearly lost it. Yet for the wealthy it’s okay to be ‘fashionably late’ and ‘make a statement’ when you arrive at a function, it’s okay to wear (guys) polka-dotted trousers, a yellow jacket, a bow-tie and sneakers to work, it’s okay to be so skinny that when you take a shower the water misses you – you can be as different as you want and even get positive vibes from society plus probably qualify for a Reality Show – but that is because you can afford the time, your reputation and the cash for penalties.

But, if you’re not rich and famous and you’re a just a regular Mwangi  or Ali or Nyambura, then your reputation will suffer negatively because certainly drawing away from the crowd means being (i) talked about and (ii) being shunned by those who do not dare to be different – or have grown up.

And acting like you could ‘care-less’  is a façade because the reality is that within human nature, deep down in our souls is a desire to be cared  about, to be loved and appreciated by society, and what that society does think about us is a major niggling concern at the back of our brains. My observation is that the contrary and purposely different person has numerous fears which often hides an inferiority complex. Their unshakable immature habit may be a way of seeking the attention they otherwise wouldn’t garner, or, a cover-up of huge past failures.

Either way, me and you can’t just do our own thing constantly, creating toxic fumes and walking away from them – we have the Boss to consider after all, he’s the one who gives us our paycheck. Or maybe you’re self-employed, so you can be as contrary as you wish. But what happens to your spouse? Kids? Parents? Friends and those around you? Consider this, having a companion who is contrary is like keeping a house cat – you just never know exactly where in the house it may be. It’s a likeable pet and not dangerous, but likewise, with contrary people it’s difficult trying to constantly second-guess where they are mentally.  It’s also tiring. And if you’re interacting with them daily, then it affects them daily. How long will they continue to be in your circle of friends before they back off and leave you to your disparate schemes?

So. Unless you want to be a self-sustaining hermit living on a deserted island somewhere in the middle of the Indian Ocean, or a rich Batman-type recluse surrounded by ‘yes-sir, no-sir’ servants who kowtow to your every whim but will never tell you the truth about your eccentricities, then begin to shrug off, step-out of  - loose! your contrary incompatible character and begin to build the nicer business of being charismatic and inoffensive and simply doing things the way everyone else does.

© Nyakio Munyinyi for The XpenSieve Report, October 2012

FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!

OK good people, this article is here due to public demand. First seen on Facebook Notes:

Yesterday I was so mad with my kids and even madder when I couldn’t screech at them like a banshee with PMS. Why couldn’t I scream? -  My throat was so sore and each time I dared speak it would turn into a ball of fire so in the end I just stopped talking altogether. And this morning was no better, I couldn’t even chirp out a friendly ‘Good Morning!’ when I woke them up at 4am, but instead had to communicate by mumbling painful grunts plus vigorous head and hand movements.

It made me wonder though, how do mute people show their anger? How do you ‘silently’ speak – how do you scream at someone when you can’t? Ok – you can go break a door or two or punch someone or make a rattle with the dishes when you’re washing them or resort to road rage – and I guess that’s ok for venting – but it’s not the same as shouting disapproval.

(BTW, always make sure when you’re naming your kids that their name ends with a vowel – it carries better when you’re shouting at them….)

Yet, silence often succeeds even better when ‘voicing’ ones disapproval to another – or so we’ve been led to believe. Take for example the feared ‘Silent Treatment Syndrome’ that works wonders (tongue-in-cheek) in marriages and other relationships. If success lies in how often a treatment is used, then the St (Silent Treatment) works - because how often have you heard that statement from a friend when she mentions her BH (better-half) and says ‘oh, I’m mad with him, I’m giving him the Silent Treatment!’ or the many dudes that shrug their shoulders and complain, ‘don’t know what I’ve done but she’s giving me the Silent Treatment’.

Like any good medicine, the ST is dished out depending on the severity of the condition. If the fault is small - a tiny crack or fissure in an otherwise well-tended relationship - then the treatment is only for a few hours or maybe just a day.  But lo and behold! if the fault is huge – then you might be the recipient of the entire treatment which may go on for days or weeks!

Personally I dislike Silent Treatments – for I think they’re much harder on the giver and make the giver hardened. 

You: ‘So, you’re not speaking to me eh?’

St. :SILENCE

‘You: Could I ask what it is I did or didn’t do this time?’

St. :SILENCE

You: ‘…… so. For how long is this treatment going to be for?’

St.: SILENCE

You: ‘This is cool! I can finally blast the music on FULL THROTTLE and you won’t complain!!’

St. : SILENCE (and a silent promise to add hours onto treatment time for that last statement!)

That’s pure energy right there, the not talking? That effort! All the impulsive moments when you want to burst out and say something, or you grab your phone to send a quick ‘WhatsApp’ then you remember, ‘oh, I’m not talking to them!’ If we could take half that effort and turn it into energy you’d be a millionaire (in Usd’s) by now….it could fuel Bugatti’s!

Question: If I annoyed you, wouldn’t it be much easier if you told me in a stern tone of voice:

 ‘Nyakio - Don’t speak to me!’

…. after which you can tell me whatever you wanted to tell me but I can’t talk-back? After all, we do it with our kids, why can’t we do it in our adult relationships? Are we so intimidated that the only solution we can resort to is the Silent Treatment?

Hmmm….

Now, despite it’s popularity I think that the Treatment doesn’t work. Or does it?

THE RECIEPIENT

Let’s look at it from both ends because it’s a kind of ac/dc situation:

If you’re a guy, do you rush around fixing non-existent holes in walls, plugging in spark-plugs, massaging her feet and buying flowers – basically climbing mountains just to get her to talk to you again? If you’re the gal who’s on the receiving end of this treatment, do you forfeit that promotion and stop working late hours, begin going home early, try to cook dinner without burning it and wearing sexy lingerie in the bedroom in an effort to get him to call you sweet endearing names?

(By the way, why is it that he can call you ‘Pumpkin’ and that’s just so sweet, but if he calls you ‘Malenge’ you’ll personally go looking for and find one to smash his head?? Lol!!)

…. Friends? What do you do when your BFF switches you off and leaves you hanging? Do you go to her office and try and talk to her since she won’t answer your phone calls or pop-into her house one Sunday afternoon to confront her?

THE St.

St, how do you resolve it? You may not have been speaking for a good reason, Lord Knows how people on this earth can be plain bad and do rotten and toxic stuff to those they claim they love, but at what point do you stop not-talking? Is it when you’ve demeaned the other person to the point that they’re practically on their knees licking your toes like a dog?

This is why I hate the Silent Treatment. There are no clear-cut rules plus  - it can  - like a car - spin out-of-control killing not only the passengers but bystanders as well. Leaving the driver wondering what the heck-happened-here….??

Me, You, we have a built in need to talk, duh, that’s why Telecommunications is a multi-billion (trillion?) dollar industry. Denying your loved one that simple act of you talking back to them is not just nasty, it feels downright rotten when someone doesn’t talk to you, leaves you bewildered and frustrated and may actually make the slight crack in the relationship much bigger, resulting in a weakened structure. Come an earthquake, that relationship is going to go down hard.

You know what I think? – I think that The Silent Treatment is a form of bullying. Actually – it’s not a form of bullying – it is bullying. Because in effect the message you’re sending out is ‘I’m not talking to you until you do this, or behave in this way, or jump into that hole over there’. But, there’s a twist to the St - the one where the Silent Treatment , like any abused med, doesn’t work after prolonged use but is instead viewed as an irritating, or - more often than not - an amusing performance. Raise your hand if this is true for you… After all, when you know what’s coming (silence) and if you’re anything like me then with a flick of your wrist and a hand- in-the-air you’re like ‘what-EveRrr!!!’ and life goes on…

•  If she’s not talking to me then now is the time when I can come in late and not get nagged at the door….

and ……

• there are so many other people out there who are talking to me anyway…

and …..

• I have 560 Fb friends, will I notice if one drops out?

.. to the point when (and here am genuinely sad for the giver) you can actually tell how long it will go on for – ‘this is a 3 day treatment, by Friday he’ll be chatting again’, apology or no.

Note: wasn’t the Silent Treatment being doled out for purposes of the recipient apologizing for the ‘fault?’ hmmm… so I’ve not spoken to you for a week and achieved what exactly? (wasted energy….)

So, For Crying Out Loud, go and cry on their shoulders and tell them whatever is bugging you. Buy coffee, go sit in a club, meet at a bus-stop, go for a walk, talk in bed, where-ever! They will either apologize or not but in either case you both can move on. Please don’t ever ever use the Silent Treatment on your loved ones, kids, spouse, best friend.. It’s dangerous and like I mentioned before up there- when it spins out of control you may be the only survivor standing alone in a ruined relationship. Now that sucks!  If you often dish out the Silent Treatment, don’t be fooled into thinking that it works - that’s just what you can see on the surface of deep waters – and in all probability, the receiver – am telling no lies - when they stop talking, they’ll in all probability also be doing the walking.

Sole Survivor of the Silent Treatment. (Nice title for a book….)hahahaa!!

Like all medicine: Use the Silent Treatment only when it’s necessary and only as a final solution. Talk it out. Always.

Believe me, if God doesn’t want you to talk He’ll just give you an ST in the form of a Sore Throat!

© NYAKIO MUNYINYI 2012

THE SINGLE DILEMMA

She’s intelligent, she’s hot, she’s funny, great company, and irresistibly confident. She is You (..yes, you Brilliant unmarried-single lady, so stop looking at the image I've placed here - this is just an example of how others view YOU). But every so often she stumbles on the SINGLE question that leaves her exasperated and irritated. This question also devours her confidence, hurling her back to a horrid Level 1, The Novice - in this game called Life.

Should I or shouldn’t I …. get married?

It’s a loaded question, full of threats and hidden terrors for the modern working independent woman who’s in her 30’s or early 40’s and is wondering whether to settle down to a boring monogamous life with a man who will probably cheat on her before the 5^th Wedding Anniversary, a life that will begin with the very public expectation of her giving birth to babies who will eventually grow into terrible toddlers and watching them develop into rebellious rude teenagers who think their mom is either an ATM, an Alcoholic, a Religious fanatic, Maid AND Personal Driver.

Hello, where is the man who married her? Absent Father Syndrome. Probably with the ‘gacungwa’ or ‘nyumba ndogo’ or at the club or local or working late yet again to make some cash to buy you that brand new Toyo that looks like a Mercedes or the Range that you have your eyes on, or school fees so the kids can attend HOPAC or GreenAcres or St. Andrew’s Turi…

Life is hard, then you die.

Accolade: Wife. Mother. RIP

Should I get Married?

Remember too that Marriage is the only reason Divorce exists.

So why get married in the first place? And why does that terrible urge to commit to a single man for life repeat itself at 30, then 38, then 42? Simple. (1) Because you believe in the Once-upon-a-time story of you struggling through bitterness and heartache but finally achieving heaven on earth by finding your soul mate and living with them happily ever after: You can find this particular story online, it's called Cinderella.

(2) Because all cultures on earth view matrimony as a woman’s lot, that plus bearing and rearing children within the boundaries of marriage. To be outside that classification means that as a female you’re either unfit or inept.

(3) Because that’s the way your body is wired. To reproduce, nurture, nourish. The single main component that controls a female’s body is her Menstrual Cycle and when the alarm bells ring and dong loudly you get all those bi-polar-like mood swings every 8 years or so, your body simply reminding you that you’re making poor use of it and the game will soon be over. Or do you honestly want to give birth at 50years? Hahahaaaa!!… Come srowly and get-a-life! TIA, it’s hard at 22, why torture yourself??… but that’s another topic for another day. Let’s stick to this Single Issue…

The reasons most single’s say that they are still single is either:

        No man has as yet asked her so she’s still single (rare to admit)

       Some men have asked her, but she said NO (easier to confess)….

Now, don’t bring on all the excuses that that nigger that asked you wasn’t worth the time…. (one finger tapping at your watch as you say that..), or your job came first, or that the time back-then wasn’t right, or he wasn’t the right height,  he was moving to Alaska, he’s a farmer, his family makes the Addams Family look normal….uh uh uhh…. None of that nonsense!

The fact is that your current problem is linked to your past like a furious, growling, salivating Doberman Dog to a chain. And if that Dog is released from it’s chain it will kill you – after tearing you apart and biting huge chunks out of your life.

Remember here we’re talking about women who have lived alone - independent successful women - for more than 10 years. That’s a tough act. Pat yourself on the back, Miss Independent! Because that’s 3,650+ days  SOLO. And Nights. Teenagers and 20 – 24’s don’t suffer these questions – they haven’t yet had time to develop a strong separate identity. Unless they began to hustle at 17. But for most of us, the moment you take that job after 844 or College or University and look for an apartment or flat or diggs alone – that’s the day that that Doberman Dog, Miss Independent enters your life. And she’s a meeeaaan bad Lady. Listen, history has taught us that countries have waged civil wars and guerilla warfare is raged when particular sectors of society feel threatened by colonization or dictatorship. Miss Independent is simply throwing rocks at the very real threat of : Mrs. Marriage Dependent.

Should I get married?

HELL NO!! snarls Miss Independent, her Doberman Dog persona straining at the chains to get to Mrs. M. Dependents throat - and proceeds to growl and salivate and hurl you a long list of perfectly valid reasons why NEVER not.  And even sabotages a relationship that could have led to a loving relationship…

YOU THE READER ASKING: Nyakio, eti what? Did I read that right, are you saying that I have sabotaged myself?

ME: Yup.

And can I hear the men shouting YEESSSS!!!!! as well? They may have seen HER in you and are most likely walking around in a Hiroshima-Bomb-after-shock daze. You see, Miss Independence, hmm, well, she loves her freedom, loves her ambition, loves going where she wants to go, loves making solo decisions because they work out in the end, loves that sense of accomplishment, the satisfaction that despite being alone in a hard world, she’s taken you through yet another year without you both entering Mathare Mental Hospital or dragged you down to living in Kibs, Miss Independent loves her uncensored friendships with both males and females, loves her small habits, loves that only she knows these small habits and vices, loves her money, loves her money, loves her money, no…. that’s not a typo error  - but after 10 years of spending your money according to your WWWW & H (Who,What,Where, Why and How) -  who does this nigger think he is asking me the same WWWW&H - really, do you need someone else telling you that you can’t just buy that sofa-set because you want to?? Or criticizing you on your colour choice of paint for the sitting room wall? Or getting irritated because you bought yourself a brand new iPhone5 just because? Someone else knowing all your financial info? Or lack of thereof? So, when she – Miss Independent -  perceives a threat she sabotages it like a girl soldier in the DRC on crack-cocaine. Pull out the pin and throw that grenade and look away while it goes ‘KA-BoomB!!!’.  Walk over and coldly survey the remains.  No pain. No gain.  Miss Independent coldly shrugs off the aching agony of lonely nights, the alone-ness, the lack of own family, the fear of childlessness, the heartache of a lack of a permanent partner, the huge hole in the heart. Coldly shrugs off the fact that her latest boyfriend is walking around in a Hiroshima-Bomb-after-shock like stupor of violent rejection.

Should I, or shouldn’t I get married?

The one thing that Miss Independent really hates is Your Biological Clock.

Because it pulls lovely tricks. Like falling in Love. …

It’s a beautiful sensation falling in Love and the funky- feeling may hit you head-on like a bitch-slap or you may be lucky and fall in love slowly, lazily and gracefully. Mr. All-Right may pop  the Will-you-be-my-Wi-fi - (sorry, wifey) question and your mind may be screaming impatiently YES YES YES while your body fights the need to urgently begin to make babies that look like him - this single individual that is your soul mate and that you desire to commit to for life.

Should I, or shouldn’t I get married?

Xpensiev Out.of.the.Box Advice:

Before you sabotage yourself again: Take leave from work for a few days (in war time it’s called a Strategic Retreat) and look into your past and ask some deep penetrating questions pertaining to your sense of identity.

• Is your personality really secure or do you think you may suffer from an identity crisis that will tumble at the mention of the initials MRS in-front of your name?  It’s not easy changing your name and it may be complicated if you choose to hang on to your fathers name unless you add a hash in-between… can you mentally handle this and a host of other identity issues?

• How deep can you allow a relationship to develop? Because this same man who fell on his knees before you will see you in your very worst moods before 6 months are over. I say this because some ladies go into marriage thinking they are deep-undercover agents, and when their ‘cover’ is blown – that ‘act’ that they’ve been putting on for Mr. Boyfriend/now - Hubby, when he sees the real bride behind the veil - well, that marriage is over. Not because the man cannot handle it – I think most men can - but because the woman herself cannot handle anyone knowing her weaknesses. In a dating relationship we’re usually on our best-behaviour, can you accept being known as ‘less than perfect?’ Just how compliant are you, and can you tame that Doberman into an endearing puppy that will grow to love and accept your new lifestyle and not attack it on every level?

•Consider this: You need a vehicle. You now have the means to buy one. But it’s not just about buying it – you also have to think ahead and plan CAR MAINTENANCE. Marriage is a little bit the same - when you buy that car, unless you’re extremely wealthy, you’re stuck with it until at least 2 years are over. Whatever the issues, you take out an Insurance Cover (mandatory), fill your phone book with recommended mechanics and take note of those garages and Petrol Stations that offer wheel-balancing, car-wash and oil changes. Things you’d never thought of before.  Similarly when considering marriage, think of your own maintenance or you won’t last 6 months let alone 2 years. Get an Insurance cover in the form of someone you admire who is married and can mentor you through your first few years. Mandatory. Tell her the truth - I admire you and I’d like you to mentor me. SHE (don’t ever choose your best male friend even if you’ve been friends since Class 1, and NOT a rela either!)  may be randomly selected or come recommended like any insurance company, but take her out for lunch once a month or whatever, and TALK AND LISTEN (and PAY for the meal, even if she’s better off than you).  Don’t argue, after all, you chose her for a reason and the point here is to learn. Save your arguments for your Doberman.

• Who wants to get married, you or your relatives?

And finally:

• Think on the fact that just as in your own personal life, nothing goes as planned, so in all likelihood, your own marriage will not progress as you think it should. Can you grow? Or are you more like those who sing from the pews of PCEA and CPK churches :- “We-shall-we-shall-not-be-moved!” Rigidity is good for some areas in life (and making life, LOL!) but in other areas it may be disastrous. Read the paragraph below s.l.o.w.l.y..

“Earthquake engineering is the scientific field concerned with protecting society, the natural and the man-made environment from earthquakes by limiting the seismic risk to socio-economically acceptable levels… A properly engineered structure does not necessarily have to be extremely strong or expensive. It has to be properly designed to withstand the seismic effects while sustaining an acceptable level of damage…”

excerpt from Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia.

In areas such as Nairobi or Dar-es-Salaam, we have no need for earthquake engineering. Likewise, we do not require a complex properly engineered structure in our single lives. But come marriage, it would bode better for the single person to concern herself with the complexity of the marriage structure and question herself as to whether she can withstand the seismic effects of marriage while sustaining an acceptable level of damage… or to put it plainly, can you be accommodating in order to make your marriage last?

The Single Decision

If at the end of the Retreat you decide you’re not yet ready to go into the marriage market, then make that Single Bed and lie on it and take Doberman Dog to the Dog Pound (please don’t give such a nasty animal to a friend!).

I have several rock-steady single GF’s who are NOT Lesbian, and I find that now that I’m not a newbie, they give me single-most best  and honest relationship advice on my marriage – more so than the married women who are so bogged down in their own troubles they can barely rise up to think about my situation, or who are so bitter they can hardly spew out a sweet word. These single GF’s of mine have other best-friends, they laugh a lot, have a deliciously wicked sense of humor, have the freedom to love their nieces and nephews and spoil them to bits, are free to travel and spend time in your home, have rich relationships with both men and women, are well-read, internet savvy, capable, witty and very, very intelligent. (ahem… birds of a feather flock together..hahahaha!)

But, Attitude with a capital A is a major component if you are to make The Single Decision a pleasurable life, a life full of adventure and promise and real relationships. Living Single is not what it used to be a decade ago when you were growing up and your mother regarded those ‘unmarried aunties’ with major suspicion and handed out negative labels like Unable To Find a Husband and Cursed Childless Barren Woman or worse, Lesbian.

Girlfriend, it is 2012 going 13 and you can develop your own unique Single Brand and sell it to yourself  and new nice doggy – (remember you’ve taken Doberman Dog to the dog pound..!!) so, sell A (+)Positive Brand that accepts that you have Made A Choice – not a (-)Negative Miss Independent that trashes marriage as a whole, No! - make the choice to declare the Single For Life Happiness Pact! Move out of your mothers-sisters-brothers-cousins-whoever you’re-sharing –house-with, be respectful and mindful of those who are married plus be a really good friend to your married GFF’s and not their husbands; you may be surprised that those are the same women who will probably run to you every other fortnight just to inform you that you’re the luckiest woman in the world – again - depending on your attitude. Throw out the Envy Card, the “I wish” or “how could it be” card and be satisfied with your new grown up choice.

So either way, make your choice, make your bed with a feather mattress and sleep on it like a baby with no worries. 

Don’t wallow in the stormy rough waves of indecision because it unsettles not only you but those around you, and in the end they will abandon you because who, given a choice, wants to drop anchor or go fishing in a turbulent stormy sea? No one.

NYAKIO MUNYINYI ©  SEPTEMBER 2012