FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!

OK good people, this article is here due to public demand. First seen on Facebook Notes:

Yesterday I was so mad with my kids and even madder when I couldn’t screech at them like a banshee with PMS. Why couldn’t I scream? -  My throat was so sore and each time I dared speak it would turn into a ball of fire so in the end I just stopped talking altogether. And this morning was no better, I couldn’t even chirp out a friendly ‘Good Morning!’ when I woke them up at 4am, but instead had to communicate by mumbling painful grunts plus vigorous head and hand movements.

It made me wonder though, how do mute people show their anger? How do you ‘silently’ speak – how do you scream at someone when you can’t? Ok – you can go break a door or two or punch someone or make a rattle with the dishes when you’re washing them or resort to road rage – and I guess that’s ok for venting – but it’s not the same as shouting disapproval.

(BTW, always make sure when you’re naming your kids that their name ends with a vowel – it carries better when you’re shouting at them….)

Yet, silence often succeeds even better when ‘voicing’ ones disapproval to another – or so we’ve been led to believe. Take for example the feared ‘Silent Treatment Syndrome’ that works wonders (tongue-in-cheek) in marriages and other relationships. If success lies in how often a treatment is used, then the St (Silent Treatment) works - because how often have you heard that statement from a friend when she mentions her BH (better-half) and says ‘oh, I’m mad with him, I’m giving him the Silent Treatment!’ or the many dudes that shrug their shoulders and complain, ‘don’t know what I’ve done but she’s giving me the Silent Treatment’.

Like any good medicine, the ST is dished out depending on the severity of the condition. If the fault is small - a tiny crack or fissure in an otherwise well-tended relationship - then the treatment is only for a few hours or maybe just a day.  But lo and behold! if the fault is huge – then you might be the recipient of the entire treatment which may go on for days or weeks!

Personally I dislike Silent Treatments – for I think they’re much harder on the giver and make the giver hardened. 

You: ‘So, you’re not speaking to me eh?’

St. :SILENCE

‘You: Could I ask what it is I did or didn’t do this time?’

St. :SILENCE

You: ‘…… so. For how long is this treatment going to be for?’

St.: SILENCE

You: ‘This is cool! I can finally blast the music on FULL THROTTLE and you won’t complain!!’

St. : SILENCE (and a silent promise to add hours onto treatment time for that last statement!)

That’s pure energy right there, the not talking? That effort! All the impulsive moments when you want to burst out and say something, or you grab your phone to send a quick ‘WhatsApp’ then you remember, ‘oh, I’m not talking to them!’ If we could take half that effort and turn it into energy you’d be a millionaire (in Usd’s) by now….it could fuel Bugatti’s!

Question: If I annoyed you, wouldn’t it be much easier if you told me in a stern tone of voice:

 ‘Nyakio - Don’t speak to me!’

…. after which you can tell me whatever you wanted to tell me but I can’t talk-back? After all, we do it with our kids, why can’t we do it in our adult relationships? Are we so intimidated that the only solution we can resort to is the Silent Treatment?

Hmmm….

Now, despite it’s popularity I think that the Treatment doesn’t work. Or does it?

THE RECIEPIENT

Let’s look at it from both ends because it’s a kind of ac/dc situation:

If you’re a guy, do you rush around fixing non-existent holes in walls, plugging in spark-plugs, massaging her feet and buying flowers – basically climbing mountains just to get her to talk to you again? If you’re the gal who’s on the receiving end of this treatment, do you forfeit that promotion and stop working late hours, begin going home early, try to cook dinner without burning it and wearing sexy lingerie in the bedroom in an effort to get him to call you sweet endearing names?

(By the way, why is it that he can call you ‘Pumpkin’ and that’s just so sweet, but if he calls you ‘Malenge’ you’ll personally go looking for and find one to smash his head?? Lol!!)

…. Friends? What do you do when your BFF switches you off and leaves you hanging? Do you go to her office and try and talk to her since she won’t answer your phone calls or pop-into her house one Sunday afternoon to confront her?

THE St.

St, how do you resolve it? You may not have been speaking for a good reason, Lord Knows how people on this earth can be plain bad and do rotten and toxic stuff to those they claim they love, but at what point do you stop not-talking? Is it when you’ve demeaned the other person to the point that they’re practically on their knees licking your toes like a dog?

This is why I hate the Silent Treatment. There are no clear-cut rules plus  - it can  - like a car - spin out-of-control killing not only the passengers but bystanders as well. Leaving the driver wondering what the heck-happened-here….??

Me, You, we have a built in need to talk, duh, that’s why Telecommunications is a multi-billion (trillion?) dollar industry. Denying your loved one that simple act of you talking back to them is not just nasty, it feels downright rotten when someone doesn’t talk to you, leaves you bewildered and frustrated and may actually make the slight crack in the relationship much bigger, resulting in a weakened structure. Come an earthquake, that relationship is going to go down hard.

You know what I think? – I think that The Silent Treatment is a form of bullying. Actually – it’s not a form of bullying – it is bullying. Because in effect the message you’re sending out is ‘I’m not talking to you until you do this, or behave in this way, or jump into that hole over there’. But, there’s a twist to the St - the one where the Silent Treatment , like any abused med, doesn’t work after prolonged use but is instead viewed as an irritating, or - more often than not - an amusing performance. Raise your hand if this is true for you… After all, when you know what’s coming (silence) and if you’re anything like me then with a flick of your wrist and a hand- in-the-air you’re like ‘what-EveRrr!!!’ and life goes on…

•  If she’s not talking to me then now is the time when I can come in late and not get nagged at the door….

and ……

• there are so many other people out there who are talking to me anyway…

and …..

• I have 560 Fb friends, will I notice if one drops out?

.. to the point when (and here am genuinely sad for the giver) you can actually tell how long it will go on for – ‘this is a 3 day treatment, by Friday he’ll be chatting again’, apology or no.

Note: wasn’t the Silent Treatment being doled out for purposes of the recipient apologizing for the ‘fault?’ hmmm… so I’ve not spoken to you for a week and achieved what exactly? (wasted energy….)

So, For Crying Out Loud, go and cry on their shoulders and tell them whatever is bugging you. Buy coffee, go sit in a club, meet at a bus-stop, go for a walk, talk in bed, where-ever! They will either apologize or not but in either case you both can move on. Please don’t ever ever use the Silent Treatment on your loved ones, kids, spouse, best friend.. It’s dangerous and like I mentioned before up there- when it spins out of control you may be the only survivor standing alone in a ruined relationship. Now that sucks!  If you often dish out the Silent Treatment, don’t be fooled into thinking that it works - that’s just what you can see on the surface of deep waters – and in all probability, the receiver – am telling no lies - when they stop talking, they’ll in all probability also be doing the walking.

Sole Survivor of the Silent Treatment. (Nice title for a book….)hahahaa!!

Like all medicine: Use the Silent Treatment only when it’s necessary and only as a final solution. Talk it out. Always.

Believe me, if God doesn’t want you to talk He’ll just give you an ST in the form of a Sore Throat!

© NYAKIO MUNYINYI 2012