SPOILT ROTTEN

There’s that song that Michael Jackson made famous when he was yet not a teenager, “One bad apple can spoil the whole bunch girl….”. In cold Nairobi weather, fruit spoiling was not a problem, especially up in the highlands, you could buy a bunch of fruit and leave it in a bowl on the kitchen counter or in the dinning room and grab a fruit each time you walked past it. Yum.

Not in Dar’s humid weather. I tried, hahahaha! The first apple went bad and at the point of contact where it was rotten, it passed it’s rottenness to the next apple. In 3 days, I had a bowl of rotten apples. I’ve learnt to put all my fruit - including bananas - in the fridge!

But this article is not about fruit being so decayed that they are unpalatable – it’s about you and me and our kids.

Yap.

I read an article recently about an American mom who complained that her twins (12) had slowly stopped doing their chores and she realized that she was very cleverly, left to do them all.  She went on Stike! Not as a Mom, but as a Maid.

But what stopped me criticizing her and her choice was an awful awareness of the reality right here at home. Are we, in cushioning our children with maids and houseboys and mlinzi’s and drivers, selling irresponsibility to our children? Yes, we are!! We are teaching them that their mess is not their problem to deal with but someone else’s responsibility!

In traffic I have often followed school buses on their scheduled school-to-home runs in the afternoons and watched despairingly as kids from those ‘high class’ schools throw litter: bottles and sweet wrappers and plastic bags, out of the window. If I am directly behind I usually end up swerving to avoid a plastic bottle on my vehicle or an already chewed saliva full gum plastering itself to my windscreen (the law of physics… what you throw out from a moving car doesn’t go straight out at 180˚, it usually lands behind you!)

I’ve watched a bottle land on a woman standing at a bus stop. Ok, you say, it can’t hurt, it’s plastic and empty….

Yah.

If that was your child, would you be embarrassed or simply shake your head and say ‘that’s life?’. There are teachers or adults on these buses/vans (I’m assuming), so why on earth does this trashing of our beautiful City by children continue?

Earlier on this year I asked my maid to leave because we’re at that stage in life where tweens and teenagers need to learn how to pick up after themselves. Which basically boils down to the fact that in our house for about 6 months now, it’s been a matter of my kids doing their own chores, or so I thought. Unless you want to die slowly of High Blood Pressure, I discovered that this is not a good idea! I have screamed, I have shouted, threatened, thrown fits, lost my temper, had tantrums, and finally I just KEPT KIMYA. Nil by Mouth. Honestly, What?? Huh, what - I ask you, is so hard about MAKING A BED? I’m not asking the teenager and tween to sweep the entire house plus mop, cook, bake, clean all the windows, mow the front lawn, clean the car,  and ____________ (add on whatever you think chores on the line), no, there are Cleaning Services for that heavy duty stuff.

 No! All I’m asking for right now is the simple stuff:

• Make their own beds – everyday. Before they go to school.

• Tidy up their own rooms.

• Use the trash bin that’s in the room, don’t throw trash the floor.

• Don’t eat in bedrooms. Drinking allowed….(hahahaha, obviously water or juice, or as we pronounce it here (juu-wees)

• Dirty clothes go into a common laundry basket.

Living area

• After meals, take cutlery to the Kitchen sink, don’t leave them where-evah!!

• Clean the dinning table top after all meals including breakfast.

Kitchen

• Regarding washing up dishes, each chose a task. One cleans, the other wipes.

(Nyakio, I can hear you ask….Is it done?)

Hahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaa hahahahahaaaaaa!

Yah.

Continuing…..

• No plates to be left in sink overnight.

This is a huge responsibility that involves them thinking through to further than themselves – looking at life beyond the ‘just me and my music or TV’  - that many of our teenagers have today, and the beginning of true responsibility.

Not only do dirty dishes and a dirty kitchen bin bring in the cockroaches and sisimizi, but sincerely speaking, we wake up early, and walking into the kitchen half asleep at 4am to make a tasty breakfast and finding a  Kilimanjaro mountain of dishes is NOT exactly a prelude to a good morning let alone a tasty meal!

(sigh)

The kids also have a pet. Hmmm. Skittles the cat. Sitaki!! Eti who is to feed her and groom her and cut her claws and worst of all, change the litter box? I am NOT a pet person, so hapa because they collectively wanted a pet, they should be responsible for said pet!!

Are we together? You and me? Or do you think I should be feeding that…that animal when they forget? Which is almost daily?

No. I will NOT clean the litter. I will buy that Litter Freshener Powder stuff,  but no-no-no-No! I’m not about to mix it myself, I am too old for that shit! (Pun Intended)

So I persist in reminding them to complete their chores despite all the excuses. To learn how to ‘follow through’ and not stop halfway. I insist because I keep remembering that old adage – ‘as a man thinks, so he does’. For me it’s lazy mind, lazy body. Lazy at chores, lazy in Life.

Recently my daughter went for a sleepover and she came home in a daze, her eyes clouded over and gushing verbally, on and on, on how whenever her and her BFF left the living room or any room for that matter, she’d turn around to find cushions being plumped, magazines, TV and AC remotes returned to their respective spots, plates and glasses cleared from under sofas and fresh glasses with water PLUS ice-cubes replacing the used ones. Used Once. My daughter entered the kitchen and was shooed out. Jamaani!

In another home, bedrooms were cleaned and vacuumed while she and her friend slept, my teenager woke up to a spic and span room where even her clothes were folded and her (ngothas) cleaned and hung to dry in the bathroom. In yet another home, they had a midnight feast and left empty dirty plates on the floor. The next morning she thought she was in a different house, the room was sooooooo clean, even her bed covers had been re-arranged and tucked-in on her as she slept!!

She complained for a week at her chores and told me ‘when she grows up she will have a butler, a housekeeper, 3 maids and a chauffeur’. Sawa! She’d better work hard for her money.

But when my son goes to visit his friends and he insists on returning used plates and cups, mugs or glasses to the kitchen sink, most parents compliment me and hubby  - admiring his ‘manners’ and ‘thoughtfulness’. “My son doesn’t do that though I tell him to! What should I do, what should I do?” they complain….

I ask you, what’s right, what’s wrong? How early do you start?

As for my daughter, hahaha! I told her those girls should not come to my house coz their mothers will either kill me or get me arrested for child-labour because I make my them join my kids as they do their thing- a chore is a chore is a chore.

chore |CHôr|

noun

• a routine task, esp. a household one.

• an unpleasant but necessary task

Haiya, As far as I am concerned, any maid and mlinzi who works for this family works for hubby and I, period. My children are NOT allowed to send, talk down to or disrespect any adult who works within our premises…. It reminds me a bit too much of the colonial era where white kids would shout, abuse and insult adult men who worked for their parents. Is this what we’re teaching our children?

And if we don’t persist in demanding that our hard-core ATT (serious attitude) children complete their tasks, how will they learn how to make their own beds? Pick up after themselves? Clean their own bathtubs, shower stalls and yes….toilets? Learn how to look after their toothbrushes and know when they require a new one? How will they learn that there’s something called a trash bin that exists outside a computer? That the plates and mugs that we use require standing at the sink and being cleaned unless you buy a dishwasher? 

And even then, can we teach them how to load the washing machine and dishwasher? How will they know how to polish their own shoes and iron and fold their clothes, not leave them in a stinking messy pile under their beds growing strange mold and other wicked things mixed with decaying food on forgotten plates? Moms – what does your daughter do with her dirty pads? Kitchen dustbin? Do you know that germs travel by air….no sorry, they don’t walk..

Back to grown up kids. Wanaitwa AD.ULT. But wait one – Have you observed adults sweeping the area outside of their shops with ferocious determination, only to sweep all that filth, dirt, bits and pieces of paper, glass, hair, garbage, onto the street? Not into a dust pan and into a dustbin. No, onto the street, where it will simply get blown away again by the equally ferocious winds, back pap! infront of their shops?

Around the corner from my house right near the gate, some years ago I saw a pile of trash and I was shocked silent. As I passed it I held my nose like MJ did them days and muttered to myself like a mad woman…. A week later the rubbish dump was larger, the week after even larger. Did I notice? Nope! After a month I didn’t even ‘see’ or even ‘smell’ it until a friend who came to visit commented on ‘what’s that stinking rubbish dump doing right outside the Court wall?’ Micheal Jacksons ‘One Bad Apple’ song refers to the company you keep… if you keep company with constant irresponsibility and a trashy environment, you will conform to it.

We get used to seeing our streets and yards trashy. Then when it gets to be too much our minds switch off and it becomes someone else’s problem – the neighbor, the City Council, the Government. Not me. Not you.

Yet when it comes to chores for our children, our failure as parents in EA is spoiling our kids rotten until they are practically good-for-nothing when it comes to the house and home, and later, home, community, office and city.

How will they learn when we as parents get 3 maids for the house, a cook for the kitchen, a mlinzi for the gate and a gardener for all pets, dogs and cats and garden? How will our children learn to cook for themselves or do you think they will be able to afford a ‘cook’ when they leave college or will they eat out every single day rather than hack at a potato and wonder why 3 minutes is not enough to boil same potato (on a gas stove - not microwave..)  through to the middle? Where they may make the mistake in knowing that a tomato is a fruit but not understanding that you shouldn’t put it in a fruit salad?

Fine, so the excuse is that we’re saving our children from the hardships that we went through. If you and I sat down and had a chat, wah, half of what we went through we’d laugh and say thank goodness there were no child-labour laws back in the 70’s, but let me tell you, I learnt how to wash my dad’s car INSIDE OUT in less than 2 hours or else, and how to use a toothbrush to get to those hard corners too! Hmpf, Ask our 12 year olds to clean our cars today and we’ll probably get a water bill that could have run a small rice plantation plus a flooded engine!!

(plus imagine the look teenagers would give you if you told them to ‘go wash the car’)

Another excuse that we make when spoiling our kids is that we’ve worked terribly hard to climb out of poverty into the middle and upper class and we want our children to ‘enjoy those benefits’. But consider this, those same hardships are what formed our characters today, and (2), unless you’re going to give your kids a Trust Fund at 20 years old, they won’t be able to live exactly like you for years and years after leaving university unless they own a diamond mine or sell drugs. In comes the bitterness and complaining. “Why can’t I drive a souped up 4WD 2 years after graduation? Why can’t I live in Masaki or Runda or Muthaiga? Why can’t I live with YOU until I’m 38? I can’t move to Sinza or Kinondoni or Kiambu or EastLeigh flats when you are living here.….Why do you want me to catch a Mat or Daladala to work… Dad, MOM?? are you insane??”

I’ve seen it in Nairobi, grown sons and daughters borrowing their mama’s cars on Friday and return them on a Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday. Can you recite your own horror story?

Is it because we have spoilt our children rotten the reason why we have young men and women who have no clue as to how to keep a home? As in utterly clueless!! There is that old saying, that a man’s home is his Castle, but how will he care for said ‘castle’ if he doesn’t know how to fix a simple drain pipe? Or worse, screw on a bulb? Hahahahaha! Yes, true!! I wonder where that question came from - How many men does it take to screw on a lightbulb??? Anywayz, your 12 year old should know the difference between a screw-on and pin bulb, between the regular bulbs and the power-savers. And how to stand on a chair or step-ladder and replace it. As for the girls, why let her grow into an adult, leave home, go to College and while there rely on her male neighbors who will probably take advantage of her each time he walks into her apartment to help her ‘fix her bulb’ ? Remember, it takes more than one man to screw on a lightbulb………

No, some lessons are not from teachers so don’t expect them to do all the work. Many lessons are from parents themselves. A simple proverb:

Train up a child in the way he should go

And when he is old, he will not depart from it.

It’s a double edged sword - train up your child to be spoilt rotten and slovenly, and when he is old he will be spoilt rotten, slovenly and irresponsible.

Train up your child to be clean, neat, responsible and respectful of his/her environment, and they will grow up into responsible adults who appreciate cleanliness, order and beauty. It’s tough going to enforce, cajole and teach our children to care, but it pays healthy dividends!

© NYAKIO MUNYINYI-OKALLO for The XpenSieve Report. NOV 2012

WHEN I HAVE TO CLEAN UP YOUR TOXIC MESS

When I was a kid my dad would keep telling me off, ‘Nyakio, stop being so CONTRARY!!’ pronounced : (con-tray-ree) I’d peer at him with my huge eyes and wonder, ‘whaaaat!!??! Ok, first off, I had no idea what that ‘big’ word meant (I was 6)… so after a couple of times of being told off, I looked it up in his humongous Oxford Dictionary (yup – no computers or Google back then in the 1960’s…) first searching for the word under ‘K’, getting nowhere, then after asking him how it was spelt, I finally found a definition which went something like:-

{(a) perversely inclined to (i) disagree or to (ii) do the opposite of what is expected or desired: she is sulky and contrary where her work is concerned} . Well, I wasn’t a sulky child, far from it, I was more like… shy and withdrawn, so I disagreed with my father’s portrayal  - because as far as my six year old self was concerned - it didn’t apply to me.

End of story.

For about 20 years. When I came up against that word again. 

Well, it kind of stumbled into my mind when I was rummaging in there for a word to describe a certain type of adult human behavior I’ve been witnessing too much of late. There’s a set of people who are so exceedingly contrary that you and I both really dislike hanging around them… they constantly do the exact opposite in deed and talk. Promises are carelessly and casually given: your time has no meaning to them and is squandered thoughtlessly: give a simple task, they do the opposite. Never ask a contrary person for favors – they won’t be met, ask a simple question, they don’t answer it  - but instead launch into an extended belligerent monologue – making you wonder why on earth you ever thought you’d get any kind of simple answer. Take for example my neighbor who a while back cut a tree in his yard and let it (purposely) fall in our compound, blocking the driveway….. oh oh oh oh!! We only wanted that mess off our drive, but when Hubby went to talk to the tree-cutting-director (ngai fafa!!)– he got an ear-full of insults and reasons why-the-tree-MUST-be cut down plus the unnecessary info that he’d already used (read misused) the money that the landlord gave him for a professional lumberjack so he had to do it himself and look-there’s-a-hole-in-my-roof- so why are you bugging me about the ‘small branch’ in your driveway, you have a gardener.. let him clear my mess! All in fluent Dar swa by the way!

Have you come across adults like that at least once in your life? Their habitual negativity spills into your life and leaves you with a toxic mess which you have to clean up, using your own resources.

Contrary.

It’s okay when it’s a child or teenager – in fact, it’s expected for them to do the opposite of whatever you tell them, but adults?

When my dad told me I was contrary, it was because (true) I was being (i) creative and (ii) inquisitive. That’s okay for a growing child. For me to be creative, I had to go against the norm, constantly questioning why certain forms, formats, models and colours had to be treated in a certain technique and me purposely trying out the exact opposite, just for fun and to see ‘what would happen’. That’s why we go to school and ‘play around’ in science labs. To learn.

But as adults, to what extent can we fling aside the rules that our governments and schools and religious leaders and parents have laid down for our safety and benefit to do our own thing before people begin pointing fingers while commenting on our contrariness “- he’s acting like he Rules the world and like rules were made to be broken- who does he think he is?”…

Because being overly contradictory and balking the rules means that we cannot fit into society proper. It’s fine to be a little different as a child (although that also gets kids in trouble) and as a teenager,  but honestly, as an adult we must drop the habit, or know how to handle it. Society fits into agreeable patterns of ‘how to do things’ and according to my-pastor-who-doesn’t-want-to-be-called-Pastor-Charles, the way we do things is what’s called a ‘culture’ –  you hear of office cultures, tribal cultures, religious cultures… even World Day cultures like ‘May Day’, ‘Labour Day’, ‘Kenyatta Day’, ‘Valentines Day’ and ‘Halloween’.

While we’re all allowed – to some degree - to be contrary, the difference is in how it affects us in the long run. So alright, we don’t have to celebrate Valentines Day and we think Halloween is basically an American tradition so we in Africa don’t bother to honor that day, that’s ok, but as we grow older, extreme contrariness and being difficult and different all the time affects those we’re in relationships with be it lover, spouse, children or co-workers.

For example, You’re 20… so what if you don’t subscribe to the ‘saving’ culture and spend impulsively? It’s been hammered into your brain by parents, teachers, the pastor, banks, insurance companies – you name it – that you’re supposed to save, save, save! But the contrary ones decide to do the opposite of what is expected and mouth frequently that ‘I’M YOUNG AND WILD AND FREE’ is their motto and ‘YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE’ their favorite mantra - so – ‘where’s the parry?” and “I see, I buy”….chapa in- chapa out..

Now you’re 26. You’ve formed a habit. Add a couple of years. You’re still disregarding the SAVE rules. Add 4 years.. you’re approaching a mid-life-crisis like a Fuso Truck filled with Cement Bags on a free-roll down a high and steep road… and you haven’t saved a cent, yet you have a wife and a family who struggle with living hand-to-mouth, and because of your carelessness, they suffer daily.

Quick Q: How many men over 23 do you know who are still living with their mama or sister? Stop counting when you run out of fingers in the one hand. A common habit I dislike is those harambee cards for weddings. So ok, you’re my friend, but why should I part with 100,000/- for your wedding when you have been working and living single for more than 4 years? Plus you still expect a wedding gift from me? Wait one! You knew you’d get married one day, why didn’t you save for it? Thank goodness our banks can see more clearly than some men do and have introduced ‘Wedding Accounts’!! 

Or the young girl who is constantly warned to change her sexual habits, she doesn’t and brings a baby home to her already frustrated mother then dumps baby and leaves.

Being Contrary doesn’t mean being aggressively negative. You can have a charming outer personality that attracts people, and your contrariness sometimes takes a very subtle form that may go undetected for years by even those close to you. These are ‘yes’ people. They say Yes to whatever you say implying that they will get the job done, but a few hours or days or weeks or even years later you discover that the task was never began and they never intended to do it anyway, ever.

That’s being Contrary…

Or, take those who after some time of working the same job become ‘care-less’ and go against their bosses expectations: eg, The boss expects me to report in at 8am every morning but I have this attitude that I can walk in at 10a.m. because I leave work at 8pm anyway… (avoiding traffic). Or the lunch break that grows ever longer….I have also observed men and women out there who don’t honor their spouses or partners with a gift or flowers or a card (yaani nada) on Special Days (Birthdays, Wedding Anniversaries etc) year after year, because that’s not his way and she’s never done it and it’s not how he/she was raised so he or she is not about to start now.

That’s being Contrary…

Think… who do you know that even if they come to you for advice on an issue, you know you’re wasting your breath because they either won’t follow your advice or worse, halfway through your explanation they begin to argue with you? Or you tell her the appointment is at 9 but it’s actually at 11 because you KNOW she will be 2 hours late  - or – I love this – many women have come up to me and told me how they get flipping mad because their BF’s never picks them up on time! Never! She invariably waits (wherever) for upto 2 hours, but Lordy cry me a bucket if she does the same to him and keep him waiting for just a half hour!!! And his excuses are legion.

That’s being Contrary.

Being contrary and forming a habit of it infuriates others. In the end, we all tend to leave the Contrary person alone with thoughts like ‘achana naye – that’s how she is!’ and basically you’re written off because you can’t depend on someone who is always constantly purposely contrary. They will do the opposite of whatever you expect and it’s usually negative.

Fortunately or unfortunately, depending on how you view it,  the very Rich who are Contrary are called eccentric… look at Micheal Jackson, Elton John, Lady Gaga, Madonna…. The list is endless, but they’re allowed their eccentricity because they can afford to go against popular culture – infact – their contrariness is copied by their fans and they make money off it.

Ha ha ha, If I, Nyakio wore a ‘meat’ dress and strolled downtown with a matching ‘meat’ handbag, wolololo!!  I’d probably be arrested for being a public nuisance or thrown into Mathare Mental Hospital because I’ve clearly lost it. Yet for the wealthy it’s okay to be ‘fashionably late’ and ‘make a statement’ when you arrive at a function, it’s okay to wear (guys) polka-dotted trousers, a yellow jacket, a bow-tie and sneakers to work, it’s okay to be so skinny that when you take a shower the water misses you – you can be as different as you want and even get positive vibes from society plus probably qualify for a Reality Show – but that is because you can afford the time, your reputation and the cash for penalties.

But, if you’re not rich and famous and you’re a just a regular Mwangi  or Ali or Nyambura, then your reputation will suffer negatively because certainly drawing away from the crowd means being (i) talked about and (ii) being shunned by those who do not dare to be different – or have grown up.

And acting like you could ‘care-less’  is a façade because the reality is that within human nature, deep down in our souls is a desire to be cared  about, to be loved and appreciated by society, and what that society does think about us is a major niggling concern at the back of our brains. My observation is that the contrary and purposely different person has numerous fears which often hides an inferiority complex. Their unshakable immature habit may be a way of seeking the attention they otherwise wouldn’t garner, or, a cover-up of huge past failures.

Either way, me and you can’t just do our own thing constantly, creating toxic fumes and walking away from them – we have the Boss to consider after all, he’s the one who gives us our paycheck. Or maybe you’re self-employed, so you can be as contrary as you wish. But what happens to your spouse? Kids? Parents? Friends and those around you? Consider this, having a companion who is contrary is like keeping a house cat – you just never know exactly where in the house it may be. It’s a likeable pet and not dangerous, but likewise, with contrary people it’s difficult trying to constantly second-guess where they are mentally.  It’s also tiring. And if you’re interacting with them daily, then it affects them daily. How long will they continue to be in your circle of friends before they back off and leave you to your disparate schemes?

So. Unless you want to be a self-sustaining hermit living on a deserted island somewhere in the middle of the Indian Ocean, or a rich Batman-type recluse surrounded by ‘yes-sir, no-sir’ servants who kowtow to your every whim but will never tell you the truth about your eccentricities, then begin to shrug off, step-out of  - loose! your contrary incompatible character and begin to build the nicer business of being charismatic and inoffensive and simply doing things the way everyone else does.

© Nyakio Munyinyi for The XpenSieve Report, October 2012

FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!

OK good people, this article is here due to public demand. First seen on Facebook Notes:

Yesterday I was so mad with my kids and even madder when I couldn’t screech at them like a banshee with PMS. Why couldn’t I scream? -  My throat was so sore and each time I dared speak it would turn into a ball of fire so in the end I just stopped talking altogether. And this morning was no better, I couldn’t even chirp out a friendly ‘Good Morning!’ when I woke them up at 4am, but instead had to communicate by mumbling painful grunts plus vigorous head and hand movements.

It made me wonder though, how do mute people show their anger? How do you ‘silently’ speak – how do you scream at someone when you can’t? Ok – you can go break a door or two or punch someone or make a rattle with the dishes when you’re washing them or resort to road rage – and I guess that’s ok for venting – but it’s not the same as shouting disapproval.

(BTW, always make sure when you’re naming your kids that their name ends with a vowel – it carries better when you’re shouting at them….)

Yet, silence often succeeds even better when ‘voicing’ ones disapproval to another – or so we’ve been led to believe. Take for example the feared ‘Silent Treatment Syndrome’ that works wonders (tongue-in-cheek) in marriages and other relationships. If success lies in how often a treatment is used, then the St (Silent Treatment) works - because how often have you heard that statement from a friend when she mentions her BH (better-half) and says ‘oh, I’m mad with him, I’m giving him the Silent Treatment!’ or the many dudes that shrug their shoulders and complain, ‘don’t know what I’ve done but she’s giving me the Silent Treatment’.

Like any good medicine, the ST is dished out depending on the severity of the condition. If the fault is small - a tiny crack or fissure in an otherwise well-tended relationship - then the treatment is only for a few hours or maybe just a day.  But lo and behold! if the fault is huge – then you might be the recipient of the entire treatment which may go on for days or weeks!

Personally I dislike Silent Treatments – for I think they’re much harder on the giver and make the giver hardened. 

You: ‘So, you’re not speaking to me eh?’

St. :SILENCE

‘You: Could I ask what it is I did or didn’t do this time?’

St. :SILENCE

You: ‘…… so. For how long is this treatment going to be for?’

St.: SILENCE

You: ‘This is cool! I can finally blast the music on FULL THROTTLE and you won’t complain!!’

St. : SILENCE (and a silent promise to add hours onto treatment time for that last statement!)

That’s pure energy right there, the not talking? That effort! All the impulsive moments when you want to burst out and say something, or you grab your phone to send a quick ‘WhatsApp’ then you remember, ‘oh, I’m not talking to them!’ If we could take half that effort and turn it into energy you’d be a millionaire (in Usd’s) by now….it could fuel Bugatti’s!

Question: If I annoyed you, wouldn’t it be much easier if you told me in a stern tone of voice:

 ‘Nyakio - Don’t speak to me!’

…. after which you can tell me whatever you wanted to tell me but I can’t talk-back? After all, we do it with our kids, why can’t we do it in our adult relationships? Are we so intimidated that the only solution we can resort to is the Silent Treatment?

Hmmm….

Now, despite it’s popularity I think that the Treatment doesn’t work. Or does it?

THE RECIEPIENT

Let’s look at it from both ends because it’s a kind of ac/dc situation:

If you’re a guy, do you rush around fixing non-existent holes in walls, plugging in spark-plugs, massaging her feet and buying flowers – basically climbing mountains just to get her to talk to you again? If you’re the gal who’s on the receiving end of this treatment, do you forfeit that promotion and stop working late hours, begin going home early, try to cook dinner without burning it and wearing sexy lingerie in the bedroom in an effort to get him to call you sweet endearing names?

(By the way, why is it that he can call you ‘Pumpkin’ and that’s just so sweet, but if he calls you ‘Malenge’ you’ll personally go looking for and find one to smash his head?? Lol!!)

…. Friends? What do you do when your BFF switches you off and leaves you hanging? Do you go to her office and try and talk to her since she won’t answer your phone calls or pop-into her house one Sunday afternoon to confront her?

THE St.

St, how do you resolve it? You may not have been speaking for a good reason, Lord Knows how people on this earth can be plain bad and do rotten and toxic stuff to those they claim they love, but at what point do you stop not-talking? Is it when you’ve demeaned the other person to the point that they’re practically on their knees licking your toes like a dog?

This is why I hate the Silent Treatment. There are no clear-cut rules plus  - it can  - like a car - spin out-of-control killing not only the passengers but bystanders as well. Leaving the driver wondering what the heck-happened-here….??

Me, You, we have a built in need to talk, duh, that’s why Telecommunications is a multi-billion (trillion?) dollar industry. Denying your loved one that simple act of you talking back to them is not just nasty, it feels downright rotten when someone doesn’t talk to you, leaves you bewildered and frustrated and may actually make the slight crack in the relationship much bigger, resulting in a weakened structure. Come an earthquake, that relationship is going to go down hard.

You know what I think? – I think that The Silent Treatment is a form of bullying. Actually – it’s not a form of bullying – it is bullying. Because in effect the message you’re sending out is ‘I’m not talking to you until you do this, or behave in this way, or jump into that hole over there’. But, there’s a twist to the St - the one where the Silent Treatment , like any abused med, doesn’t work after prolonged use but is instead viewed as an irritating, or - more often than not - an amusing performance. Raise your hand if this is true for you… After all, when you know what’s coming (silence) and if you’re anything like me then with a flick of your wrist and a hand- in-the-air you’re like ‘what-EveRrr!!!’ and life goes on…

•  If she’s not talking to me then now is the time when I can come in late and not get nagged at the door….

and ……

• there are so many other people out there who are talking to me anyway…

and …..

• I have 560 Fb friends, will I notice if one drops out?

.. to the point when (and here am genuinely sad for the giver) you can actually tell how long it will go on for – ‘this is a 3 day treatment, by Friday he’ll be chatting again’, apology or no.

Note: wasn’t the Silent Treatment being doled out for purposes of the recipient apologizing for the ‘fault?’ hmmm… so I’ve not spoken to you for a week and achieved what exactly? (wasted energy….)

So, For Crying Out Loud, go and cry on their shoulders and tell them whatever is bugging you. Buy coffee, go sit in a club, meet at a bus-stop, go for a walk, talk in bed, where-ever! They will either apologize or not but in either case you both can move on. Please don’t ever ever use the Silent Treatment on your loved ones, kids, spouse, best friend.. It’s dangerous and like I mentioned before up there- when it spins out of control you may be the only survivor standing alone in a ruined relationship. Now that sucks!  If you often dish out the Silent Treatment, don’t be fooled into thinking that it works - that’s just what you can see on the surface of deep waters – and in all probability, the receiver – am telling no lies - when they stop talking, they’ll in all probability also be doing the walking.

Sole Survivor of the Silent Treatment. (Nice title for a book….)hahahaa!!

Like all medicine: Use the Silent Treatment only when it’s necessary and only as a final solution. Talk it out. Always.

Believe me, if God doesn’t want you to talk He’ll just give you an ST in the form of a Sore Throat!

© NYAKIO MUNYINYI 2012