“Have you ever been so angry with someone that you stopped
speaking to them, refused to acknowledge them or even speak their name? When
you become so angry with a person that you want to shut them out of your life,
you need to know that there is something going on with YOU that has nothing to
do with them”. Iyanla Vanzant
Food
for Thought.
When I first read this statement, I
was startled enough to read it over again and digest it - s l o w l y - what did the author of this wit really mean? Surely
if I, Nyakio, am pissed off with someone it means that they have crossed into MY territory, that it’s MY boundaries that
have been breached, and MY space that has been trespassed - and therefore they deserve banishment – what’s with this
baloney that it’s all about ME?
Huff!!
I waved my hand in the air and changed
that page online with a flick of my wrist and a finger-brush on my laptop
touchpad….
But …
Then I remembered:
And I groaned in frustration.
I was once. So exceedingly livid with
an unreasonable anger that I literally saw RED… can you feel me someone?? And it was at the peak of the RED PROVOCATION that
I forcefully sat myself down and took a long close microscopic look at myself - because the infuriation levels were really
so ridiculously high and - while I know that I am often unreasonable plus totally insane, I just had to pry
closer at the intensity of that particular annoyance.
And in all honesty to you’ all – I was the ‘problem’. Not them. I italicize the word problem because it means that I determined that my annoyance with
this person wasn’t actually based on THEIR ACTIONS, but more on my own re-actions. I had – in my shortsightedness
– become – Horror of horrors - judgmental.
Hmm…that’s a tough call. You’re
reading this alone. Answer this: Who have you cut out of your FB friends list
recently? Whose calls have you blocked on your phone or messages on WhatsApp?
Is it them… or is there something in their life that has began to prod and
poke painfully at the obvious lack in your own life?
I have a simple list of Do-do’s that I
ask of those who NOOTBA. (that just stands for those who take NYAKIO’S OUT OF
THE BOX ADVICE).
If you realize that someone really
really upsets you:
1. Sit down by yourself in a noisy
atmosphere and write a list from 1 – 10 of the irritants. In order of Irritation
Intensiveness. Yes. A noisy atmosphere eg, noisy cafeteria, or a bar –
especially a sports bar during a game, @ a rugby 7aside match, in a mat/public
transport/ in plane during take-off, etc…noisy places have a way of raising
people’s ire especially when they want to think hard.
2. Take a break. Stop thinking about
the list and go do something for a day. Or two.
3. Sit down by yourself in another
noisy atmosphere and read the list and ….
4. Apply each and every point that you
listed – to YOURSELF.
Yes.
I had a list for (let’s call her Z) It
went like this:
1. Z was rude 2. Z was loud 3. Z was judgemental
3. Z was arrogant 4.Z was bossy 5. Z was quick-tempered 6. Z did a load of assuming
7. Z was so cocksure of herself. 8. Z spoilt her kids screaaaammm!!!
and…. Yes,
I found out to my detriment that I had
been describing myself. I shuddered.
It’s a simple character assessment
that can be found in many ‘Life Management’ courses where the traits (whether
good or bad) that stand out the most to us in our friends are those that are
reflected in our own character – we tend to gravitate, socially – to those who
are most similar to us.
It’s also why two friends may find
that their needs in the one common friend are very different, and why –they identify
with different aspects of their common friends character. We’re all
schizophrenic to a degree and because of the multiple roles we enact, we often
have a fiercer role in each. A person may be a brother, a son, a father, an
uncle, or just a friend. He may and should and have a wonderful relationship
with different male buddies who see tune into entirely different aspects of his
one personality – they will either hone into the brother, or father, or uncle.
It’s a basic survival instinct –
because our similarities will be accepted and encouraged, but if as humans we
insist on being with people who are dissimilar to us, we may end up very far
from our comfort zone. Why do we have ‘groups’ all over the world of people who
‘do’ stuff together? It’s the similarities that grow us as people and bring out
our ‘humaneness’ and it’s the differences that we instinctively want to
‘kill’. But let me not go too deeply
into that – we’re not studying for a degree here - lmao….
Therefore, if you have the
courage to look deeply into your own character, you may shudder. If you look at
the person you have gotten annoyed with to the point that you no longer wish to
talk to them, it may mean one of two things:
Either the both of you are so very similar
in character and your sameness’ is constantly and periodically clashing.
OR
There is something going on in your life that makes it impossible for
you to continue taking their shit.
In sameness: I hear the same thing
over and over again in casual comments about my friends: ‘you two are so alike
it’s a wonder you don’t kill each other’ or ‘they’re like 2 peas in a pod –
identical… leave them alone – they will sort themselves out’…
If this is true, then stick with this
person. Unblock them and put them back into your FaceBook CLOSE friends list.
Why do I say this? Because this friend will make the same darn mistakes that
you will - and in life we learn from our mistakes. So watch what they do and
don’t do it. 2. Watch them and see HOW they deal – because if they do, in all
likelihood you can too because of your similar natures.
So keep them close and learn from
them. Write another list and this time, FOCUS on the things that you LOVE and
LIKE and ADMIRE in them. 1 – 10.
Those too, are your characteristics.
Characteristics that are genuinely Good
and Remarkable. In other words, don’t press delete just yet with this
particular friend. Get over your petty anger. Laugh with them, enjoy life with
them and don’t take things PERSONALLY, capish?
But: if there is something going on in
your life that makes it impossible for you to continue taking your friends shit
– it may be time to cut them out. Because yes, you were – taking their little
annoyances and shutting up. Hence if suddenly you feel the need to slam that
door in their face – then it means that whatever is going on in YOUR life makes it impossible for them to continue
being a part of it.
… Nyakio… what?? explain….
Ok…
When I began my ‘Mid-life Change’ and
I call it that with a smile because I actually brought it on – I made some
drastic changes in my life on every level – physical, spiritual and within my soul. I began to ‘clean house’
- albeit slowly. Because of these spanking new things that were taking place in
my life – I realized that there was stuff going on with me that had
absolutely NOTHING TO DO WITH some of my friends – and therefore, because they
were not actively involved in my life, adding value nor making a substantial commendable difference – I
dropped them.
Eg. And I say this on public forum
with no shame or fear: I had a friend who constantly began entire conversations
that revolved around bringing people down. Now, I used to be a part of that –
don’t get me wrong – I’m not judging her, I would jump right into those stinky
piles of verbal diarrhoea and we would people-bash together. Ouch.
Then I began cleaning up my house and
found that her conversations irritated me - whereas before they didn’t. At first I was
confused and irritated with myself because in reality - She hadn’t changed. I had. And this is where we begin to
identify with the truth of Iyanla Vanzant’s statement above: ‘When you become so angry with a person that you want to shut
them out of your life, you need to know that there is something going on with
YOU that has nothing to do with them’.
It’s called Maturity. Ahem.
So take heart when you need to drop
annoying people from your life. Make the lists – and watch exactly where they
are positioned in your life. It’s your life and you have control over it – so examine
exactly ‘where’ and in which ‘zone’ your friends belong. If they are closer to you than you thought - swallow
your anger and realize it’s based on your similarities.
Lakini, if they are not growing you
positively in any way and all you are producing as a result of your
relationship is a Toxic Anger?
Press BANISH.
It’s a sweet button…
And feel nothing.
Lol.
Nyakio J.
Munyinyi for the XpenSieve Report© May 2014
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