A really Fussy dude

Photo credit
http://themetapicture.com/on-valentines-day/

I really really dislike Val Entine.

I shouldn’t say hate because that would be a furious word and I’m trying to be calm here. But seriously, who does this dude think he is? First off, in some places they call him SAINT. Psheeewwhh!! The things people get up to (or down to) in his name are far from saintly unless by saintly we refer to the state of Heavenly Bliss of those who perform or are performed on, go to.  Then again, we don’t need Val Entine to get a Visa into the State of Heavenly Bliss.  I can give you the name of my Boo, (I won’t) but he does the job quite well thank you – gets me there pap! And I know I’m not alone -  many of you have reached that State without Val Entine and his help, or am I wrong??

So two crosses against this dude.

Another one is, he hails from I don’t know where and is invading our culture. (Jeeeez…). I totally agree with a friend of mine who enunciated clearly and flatly with not a glimmer of his sparkling white teeth showing (maybe that was because we were chatting online), that he ‘doesn’t do Val Entine’. Phew.

·      Dudes, don’t do another dude for the sake of your chickas.

·      Dudes, if you do dudes, then maybe you can do Valentine.

Actually, that would be pretty neat, a day set aside for Gay Love… hmmm…

And the lovely ladies can have Val’s twin sister, Valery, be the honorary patronness of the day – say, 15^th Feb?? hmmm…

Ok, I’m side-tracking.. Snap! Yes, culture..  got a joke the other day on my WhatsApp regarding this Val Entine and his culture of how ‘dudes’ must give out ‘gifts’:-

The Kikuyu girlfriend and her Luo boyfriend:

On Valentines day, he M-pesa’s her 500ksh.

Njeri: (furiously) Swity Seriously! Mapenzi yetu ni 500? Kwanza Val Entines’ day? You are so mean! I regret meeting you Otis!!!

Oti: Jaber, stop torturing yourself with lack of informations! I only sent you M-pesa to get youa full names. Am at DT Dobie and I didn’t know which names to put on the logbook…. Donge!

Expectations: Val Entine demands excessive overspending. Large sums of money that should normally be spent over a period of say..3 years, are expected to be spent on his behalf between sunrise and midnight.  And where I wonder, is all this excess supposed to sprout from? Hardly 13 days after the harshest and longest month on the calendar (January), Val Entine expects exclusive hotel rooms, the finest wines and champagnes and exorbitant gifts, including colour coded everything ---- oh la la!! Whoa!! I’d forgotten!! The colour theme!! I understand weddings and colour co-ordination, infact, I totally agree that Brides can get very frenzied, over excited and over-hyper about the colour scheme, colour co-ordination and colour themes of their weddings, that they can go glassy eyed and look like someone has given them an electric shock if just ONE colour is just 5% off the wrong shade… but Val Entine? A dude who goes terrorist-ballistic when you dare to wear another colour other than RED and more recently, RED AND BLACK??

Sigh.

Shaking head…

A rose is still a rose even if it’s another colour, but NO!! Dare you to give Oti’s girlfriend a bunch of YELLOW roses for Val Entine. She’d probably attack you with the whole bunch. Her and the whole female population of Kenya.. and without understanding. Because, si, a rose is still a rose even if it’s another colour… isn’t it the THOUGHT that counts??

Should I go on??

Aha! Food… and did I mention culture? Ok. Food and culture..

We didn’t invent it. The Swiss did (I think)… so.. why should the product Chocolate be such a huge seller?!! Yes. Pity the dude who goes home bila a box of (excruciatingly expensive) chocolate. And not the chocolate in a tin with the name “Cocoa powder” or “Ovaltine” or “Milo”, which would make sense because you can both sip a cup of deliciously Hot Chocolate later on after the Val Entinexercises but … NO!! don’t even try that!! You may be put on nil-by-mouth!! Why only this particular food product Valentine insists that is given to each and every female so she can … hmm, I don’t know. Seriously, on seeing that box of ridiculously priced Chocolate what are we supposed to do? Jump up and down like a puppy dog and lick him all over his mutt? For me, if you want to make me really happy where food is concerned a good Nyam Choms will do the trick. See, I’m all for culture!! Chocolate makes me gain weight plus gives me pimples anyway. PLUS I am not depressed. It’s a known ‘anti-depressant’, so I’m apt to ask you rather sarcastically, ‘do I look depressed?’ No to chocolate sales. Bring on the BBQ’s!!

Last but not least is that Valentine is a dictator the likes of Mugabe (sorry Mugabe Lovers!). His master idea incorporates the fact that if you’re a member of the Single party then you’re an X. A sad x. A crying x. Valentine’s X is a negative. It stands for Xcommunicated. And Xcluded. Not fair game at all!! He forgets that many singles are infact an Xuberantly Xtraordinarily happy bunch of bananas (both sexes included) and that more often than not, those singles choose to remain in the Xcamp* (*details of membership include entry into various cites within the State of Heavenly Bliss more than once a year).

As for those in a relationship - Gals, a word of advice: if your man chooses to tell you he loves you on every other day but doesn’t mention the word in the presence of Valentine, does it mean your man suddenly dislikes you? NO!! Bring your expectations down and stop believing in non-cultural shoulds and shouldn’ts. Sigh. Val Entine marches into our world every year causing mayhem and havoc within relationships - and so many young girls and women mistakenly bundle their relationship status on a single factor – being ‘acknowledged’ on Val Entine’s day. If your man doesn’t give you a CARD on Val Entine’s day it’s a Crime of Herculean proportions – triggering off nuclear bombs in a perfectly beautiful relationship, where the fall out lasts for months if not years by such statements like, ‘you didn’t buy me a rose on Val Entines Day in 1988’….

NONSENSE!!!  

You’all – Val Entine like I said, is a typical dictator -  your emotions and your man’s finances are distressed by a fickle economic character who benefits the hotel, food, printing, and advertising industries…etc. Pahleese!! Let your love relationships be founded on the heart and soul and in the reality that is present and true, not for  ‘Saint’ Val Entine’s  drama Queen hoopla.

It is for these simple reasons that many men are all up in arms against this Dude. I shall close by saying that I totally agree with this currently circulating WhatsApp statement from NAOBAH.

Nyakio J. Munyinyi for The xPenSieve Report © February 2014.