A Graceful Exit

Stop trying to repair your heart by putting it back into the hands that broke it.

It’s like a bee trying to get past your clear glass windows… it keeps hitting on the glass and …. Nada. It then flies back a bit in reverse and comes rushing back even harder… only to smash against the glass again. Those of you who watch science fiction movies know the importance of a Force Field Shield, that invisible thing that encircles a Ship to keep it safe while under attack from enemy alien Ships…

That’s what men do when they decide that a relationship is done and over.

They drop the Force Field Shield around themselves and the woman is considered an enemy. Most women don’t get that. After all… she gave BIRTH to his kids!! Doesn’t that count for something?

Heck yes! It’s his blood and he cares for them as an extension of himself (sometimes)… but you? He’s moved on. He’s probably also moved out of your matrimonial home. Or thrown you out. But the relationship is – over. As in #dead.dead.dead.

And it hurts me when I see a beautiful gorgeous intelligent young woman batter herself mentally, whacking her soul and spirit incessantly by ‘trying’ to gain back ‘her man’s affection’ when a relationship is either dead, or in its' death throes – rattling and clanking around and pouring blood all over the place from severed arteries. Note: this article is about stopping the woman from self-mutilation, not on how or why men switch women off. Because they do – like a light switch. Flip. Off. Enter Dark Territory. And once a man has decided that the woman doesn’t deserve his affection – he gives her the opposite – pure mathaa.

Ladies. Stop trying to repair your heart by putting it back into the hands that broke it.

There is that place in all relationships where there is a chalk line – that place where ukipita, ni basi. You’re offside. Draw out your own boundaries… for your sake. Because insisting on handing your heart and soul to him over and over again is going to result in a terrible outcome. Many women stay in abusive marriages for the sake of their children, or so they say - and it might be true to an extent that it IS hard to be an earner when you have young or school going children and you’re used to a certain lifestyle (or lack of), but the point here is that there is no reason to continually and persistently give your heart to someone who will break it again. And again. Nothing is gained.

Change his mind? No honey. As much as you have his maybe 3 or 4 kids, he’s not going to change his mind. Or switch it back on. You have an old boyfee who bugged you back in the day don’t you?  It’s over now isn’t it? Do you give him time of day today? No you don’t!! Now.. that’s how your present heartbreaker feels but because of emotional misdirection, as women we often go back time after time to the site of the grave where the relationship ended, crying needlessly, pointlessly and unsuccessfully, for a resurrection.  

Less than 30 years ago marriages ‘lasted’ only because society frowned upon men rejecting what was termed as their marriage responsibilities. The church as a local entity was involved in marriages and single women were called spinsters and were virtual outcasts in society, their children branded as ‘bastards’ and bullied terribly in schools. Divorce was uncommon -  a divorcee seen as ‘rejected goods’ a ‘wanton loose woman’ often portrayed as having colossal sexual appetites and scorned by members of the local Mothers Union. The divorced man was pitied and often got remarried to a younger ‘girl’ who raised both his kids and theirs.

So, if this was 30 years ago, maybe, just maybe, I would ask women to try and reclaim the lost ground in their marriage relationships if they are not mentally or physically abused. Maybe. Because the wounds of the heart heal much more slowly than the wounds of the flesh, not only in you Honey, but also in the children who do see their mother crying daily, their mother sad, mistreated, abused, insulted, degraded, hated, disliked, shouted at, despised, ignored….

And Honey-gal, please take a moment to think about the way some children feel totally helpless and harbor intense rage internally because of the defeated feelings of their utter desperate hopelessness. Children DO pray, and when their mother is constantly unhappy and beaten violently, who do they get mad at? Yup. God -  who isn’t answering their prayers; or the government system, which doesn’t provide solutions. So I ask once more, why stay? Why ‘give the heartbreaker another chance?’ to do what? Break your soul and spirit AGAIN?

We’re in 2014. A single mom is a single mom and Obama is a son brought up by a single mother.

Envisage a plan where you see your heart as fertile ground for growing a fruitful crop of love, laughter, peace and calmness, interspersed with many moments of glorious joy and intense instants where you can love and are loved so deeply – moments where you can become breathless again from the sheer wonder of life.

But you cannot achieve this if you keep giving your heart to someone who relentlessly breaks it.

    

So. Take your heart back gracefully – think of it like this. Have you seen (or maybe it IS you) how certain women pick up their Birkin bags in a restaurant, slinging them elegantly on the crook of their elbows and walking out gracefully – when done right it’s beautiful to watch - people may even turn their heads and look - wondering, ‘who is she?’  Do this with yourself. Pick yourself up gracefully from your current situation and walk away elegantly. Take your heart back and fix it yourself. Treasure your heart!! Concentrate on your children – raise them to be respectable members of society. If they are boys, raise them to treat women with grace and respect and that can only come from you first by treating YOURSELF with grace and respect. Healing takes years, it’s not an overnight miracle, but there has to be a starting point where you take matters into your own hands.

Darkness cannot ever overcome darkness. But a little candle flame can light a dark cavern, so grab your heart from the hands of the person who has switched you off, and take it back into yourself where you can begin to mend it by filling it with light and love.

NYAKIO J MUNYINYI for The xPenSieve Report © February 2014