CHEATED ON

Cheated on?

I hate being cheated on….

….. well I’m not the only one - who on earth and in their right mind likes being betrayed?

No one.

Who likes being deceived, tortured, left for dead in a restaurant, or holding a mobile phone, or staring blankly at a Facebook page, wordless, your heart in shattered pieces as you literally feel your soul and spirit fluttering out of a window in a desperate attempt to flee the scene of misery.  And the soul does flee, heading out there -somewhere – and you’re left feeling dead, lifeless, soulless, frozen and immune to joy.

Nah, nobody likes that.

But get this, being cheated on doesn’t allude simply to the sexual act. Being cheated on is a betrayal that slashes through your soul, where you know for certain that the other person is not thinking of you at all. And I repeat, it doesn’t have to be sexual.

Friends betray each other. Male and Female.

Sometimes -  family.

Sometimes it’s your own kids, sometimes - colleagues. Basically anyone who you have a close relationship with can betray you … broken promises, secrets spilled, acts that you would never condone being performed behind your back, without your knowledge. Have you ever witnessed teenage girls scream at each other over seemingly innocuous events? The fact that they are young does not mean that they do not experience the bitter hurt that you do as an adult. Betrayal is betrayal.

Being cheated on is (simply and finally) discovering – when someone who you thought had high regard for you - proves – beyond a doubt - that they actually think much less of you. It’s the sucker punch of understanding, a blow that hits you right between the eyes and breaks your nose and leaves you bleeding all over yourself. Yes, betrayal hurts when you realize, damn, they really don’t think much of me.

Actually, a cockroach is far more worthy. In their eyes.

Their emotions, thoughts and therefore their actions regarding you are not negative, they are deleterious.

They have flipped you off.

They have broken the alliance bond

          …..  and are thinking of themselves. Only.

Yap. No way someone can flip you off one sec then turn around and say they love you. Uh uh…..

So,…my advice for the day is that if you’ve been cheated on:

    1. Get over it.

          2.     Get over it.

               3.     Take a chill pill.

While # 1 and 2 may seem on the surface to be ridiculously harsh statements, they aren’t. At some point you have to say to yourself, ‘ok, what’s done is done, am not very important in their eyes, now .. what’s the way forward??’… but I am getting ahead of myself. Let’s go back for a minute:

When someone is betrayed, the first question they ask is:

‘how could you do this to me?’

… to the perpetuator, and often enough, the perpetuator, or GP (guilty party) either apologizes effusively for their selfish act, making up for the affront or bad behavior, bad talk, whatever. Depending on their pocket, apology gifts can be as inflated and expensive as cars, or as simple as a beautiful bunch of roses or a card saying, ‘I’m sorry’.

….. or you watch with astonishment as their hackles rise and they defend themselves by hurling crap at the accuser.

Note: I didn’t say hurl back.

I said, the GP defend themselves with accumulated crap from within themselves and hurl it at their accuser… That phrase: you’re so full of shit? it makes me crack up every time…because I wonder, people who are full of shit get constipated, right? which means they are …. Uptight…

Uncomfortable…. And have stomach aches….Lmao….

So sometimes it’s a whole load of garbage that they have been building up against you and themselves, because a GP has issues within themselves. This is why it is so hard to try and talk sense into a GP. Years or months have passed while they have piled up the garbage in your corner, and we all know it takes a long time to get rid of a garbage heap. A small spill is easy to clean. Weeks of accumulated garbage? Longer. Contrary to common thought, sticking around the person who cheated on you is not a good strategy.

The person who follows instinct and flees is not a coward – if you think about it - who wants to stick around – seriously - and get covered in slimy stuff in the name of Christian Charity or Forgiveness??  Okay, I hear you…. But give me just one second…. so there are those who will promulgate and spew out WWJD, and I agree, but with a twist. The GP is the one who should get themselves checked into some mind-altering anger-management or some such program, because, honestly, how does one even begin to carry such a heavy load of anger and dislike until they act it out? It’s unhealthy. And in all probability, if the friendship is closer than BFF, or if it is a repeated behavior, constant betrayal followed by effusive apologies, or a pattern of unhealthy relationships, then maybe the GP has deeper issues that need to be resolved. My advice? Flee.

‘Let’s talk from a distance’ is my motto – because that slimy stuff also gives off disease, or why do we have separate rooms called toilets to get rid of our waste matter, why do we flush loos and put the lid down? A person who betrays you has issues. Back when we were teenagers we’d walk off in a huff and swear ‘never to talk to that …. that….. @£$% person again!!!’. Why then as adults don’t we bolt off, instead asking the cheaters to prepare meals for us and then eat them? It’s worse than 2 girls, one Cup.….Is it because we listen to the lies of the very person who has betrayed us and unfortunately, somehow believe their lie over our truth? Or the belief that, mmmhh, it tastes nice even if it’s insalubrious? Truth be told, In the end if we believe in the cheater -  the GP - we end up cheating ourselves, the relationship becomes unsavory, we fall flat into denial and become co-dependents of the very person that made our souls flee..

If you have been hurt so bad that your soul flees, it’s advisable to follow it….

When our souls fly off, it happens for a number of reasons, one being protection – the flight or flee instinct. We walk around numb for a couple of days or weeks, sometimes months, the pain being too unbearable so we simply don’t feel it.  The medical fraternity has a term for that – it’s called ‘shock’.

Shock-on-you!

We could be on auto-mode, or we could anesthetize ourselves with whatever product is closest and most likely to cure our pain, be it binging on alcohol or sex, substance abuse, religion, hobbies, music, retreat, driving off in a cloud of dust, silence, frostiness, you name it. There are young girls who cut themselves – uh huh, right here in +254 – these are always a re-action and very little ACTION.

Being cheated on is a nasty experience, but sometimes, some don’t flee immediately. In their denial they stick around and are perhaps repeatedly cheated on, but whether it is a week or months later, they sometimes come to a point where they are kabisa worn out like tyres of a long-haul over-lander truck.  Worn of being passive watchers in a game where they’re constantly betrayed and taken advantage of, worn of being left for dead… but when they get to that point, there lies the beauty.

The beauty of being cheated on is that while your spirit may bolt in a desperate attempt to escape the hurt and horror of your torment, while it seeks solace and succor somewhere out there, in time a new spirit comes back, a renewed sprit for a new life.

Don’t be bitter, be better.

When your wheela’s tyres begin loosing their tread and grip and threads begin showing through, what do you do? Duh. Buy new ones. Back in the day – who remembers?? - we’d look for shops in Inda where we could get the tyres re-treaded.

Emphasis on the word, re. pronounced ‘reee’

Having a new spirit requires that old one flees so that you can begin afresh with a re-newed spirit.

There is no way to be renewed with a new spirit while you still have the old one, that’s called becoming a skizo* (schizophrenic - fun guys, I have a few friends who are totally skizo and brilliantly insane ….  hahaha..) but -  the old one must out, before the new one lodges in. Thus, before you reach for your physical solace bottle of wine, before you binge, shoot up or try and numb yourself with some chemical solution, remember this:

Brokenness and betrayal doesn’t mean it’s the end even if it feels like it, but most likely what I saw on the back of a Westi Mat juzi:

Marathon Runner be aware,  the finishing line is often the same line that represents a new race. And we think artists don’t have words? Lmao.

We often think that a betrayal is the end of us but it isn’t.  We often think that being cheated on means our life is over. Yes. It is. That one.

Hmm..

Finish the race well and with dignity, and start another one. Your past is not only his or herstory, it’s also a part of you. Consider this, if one atom of you changed, you wouldn’t be who you were. You’d be someone else, entirely different. Even identical twins make different choices, they are neither clones nor robots …. the choices you made 5 minutes ago determine your maturity and who you are today, and that whole determinant = YOU. The Red Indians of the Sioux Nation do not have the word ‘regret’ in their vocabulary, and I embraced that practice early in life – each and every spark that blasts my neurons forms ‘me’, uniquely. Every memory triggers a learning experience, each second in life gives me a choice that continually shapes ‘me’. Why regret and be bitter about what has made me who I am? Plus with this vast experience, I now have even greater choices to make my life better, full of joy and hope, and this is the essence of life.

A person with no memory cannot make great decisions based on nothing.

Take then the betrayal(s) you’ve gone though and use them to grow your life into better for you, not bitter. Grab your renewed spirit, give your worn tyres a new re-tread, get a new lease on life in manual gear shift – forget auto-shift, you can’t drift as well in a ryde that is automatic  – and yes, go burn some rubber with a new zest for life.

Leave the person full of s@#t alone. Don’t prod, poke or look for cracks in their armour. They will burst or explode at some point and you don’t want to be there when it happens do you??!!!! Lmao.

NYAKIO MUNYINYI for The XpenSieve Report © August 2013

Slender Vs Chubby

The topic of slender vs. chubby in reference to sexual performance in the bed is one which raises ire in many people, mainly due to the theme of ‘sex’ in itself, because of that old taboo  - sex and all bedroom issues are TMI and are not discussed in public, at least not in African culture. Which is both hypocritical and disturbing, as more and more often, sex is being discussed in forums, albeit anonymously, and disturbing because those forums are found in environments that are not favorable to a fun, open, tongue-in-cheek discussion, but in back-rooms where language use is suggestive and sometimes downright foul.  This piece is not a ‘dirty talk’, obscene, gossip piece, but a healthy, educative, amusing prose at how a little fat may go a long way in affecting our sex lives.

When perusing the web, there are numerous sites that blare out the negative side of men adding weight as they approach their middle age. Other sites aren’t picky – they simply plague men from the age of 18 upwards with tons of spam mail sent out by the millions – advertising the sale of products directed towards men - warning them about their large stomachs and challenging them to loose their pot-bellies so as to revert back into sexual beasts. Just incase your imagination is poor, the adverts offer shots of men in before & after photographs, one with the man looking absurdly miserable with a pronounced potbelly, the other of him smiling like a yawning lion – all teeth - while showing off an oiled set of  ‘sexy six packs’.

Groan, to the average man who has tried his level best to loose that ever-growing chunk of fat slowly inching its’ way down/ or up, his chest, covering his well-defined pectoral muscles with a visible layer of fat.

A longer stay in bed

Mature women ‘in-the-know’ smile.  Because while they may not shout it out from the rooftops of their homes, they know that sexual performance is usually rated higher when the man is – yes – chubby!

I kid you not. Researchers at Erciyes University released a study proving that men with excess body fat last longer in bed. The research which was conducted for a year, included both chubby men who had a higher count of body mass index or BMI, and slender to slim, fit and healthy men. The chubbier men were found to have higher levels of the ‘female’ estradiol sex hormone.  But, hands down, it was the chubby men who were placed as front-runners in sexual performance – heavier men were able to last up to 7.3 minutes, as opposed to slender men who lasted only 1.8 minutes!

The same study also shook another other earth-shattering myth – skinny or slim ‘fit’ men suffer more from premature ejaculation – “we found that patients with lifelong premature ejaculation were leaner than the healthy control cases” ,sources: A Gökçe^1,2 and O Ekmekcioglu¹

That’s lab test science. What do women say?

They prefer men with slightly more body fat. Women are inevitably attracted to men with a higher BMI. In another study, this time conducted with women, slender fit men with six-pack abs were tossed aside for men who had 12% more body fat. Why is this? It seems that women can tell by features alone, those men who are more likely to be healthy and who have higher hormone levels. In the study above, women picked men via photographs. These same men had been tested for both hormone and health-immunity levels. Guess what? Yes, all the chubby men that the women selected had higher health immune systems and more of that ‘hunk-stuff’ – testosterone.

Enough of science, can we gossip?

‘It’s all in a man’s head, sometimes when he knows he looks good, a man thinks that’s enough, and doesn’t try hard enough to please a woman.’ True or False?

There may be some truth in this, for a man who knows that he is a bit heavier may, by the very notion that he is at a disadvantage, take the time to study and learn female behavior plus likes and dislikes in bed, while men who spend time in the gym are reputed to spend hours in front of a mirror preening and posing and admiring the perfection of their ‘pecs’.

There is also the quick thought that when the ‘6-packer’ is in the gym tormenting himself for the sake of attracting ladies, the chubby guy is probably browsing bookstores or the web, looking for books with interesting titles such as, ‘How To Give Your Girlfriend 5 Orgasms In An Hour’, or relaxing in an café – I am sure you’ve maybe observed this phenomenon and wondered, ‘huh? what was that?’,  - when you see a chubby guy treating some drop-dead gorgeous female to a delicious fat-filled pizza or ice-cream, both of them giggling and having insane fun!

Humor as an aphrodisiac

Women like being cuddled* by nature and pillow talk after a good romp is usually top 10 on most women’s wish-list. In the past however, African culture dictated such frivolities as outright rubbish, but, today there is a smattering of men who do comply with these new requests and offer ‘humor-in sex’ and ‘pillow-chats’.

Perhaps because of the thousands of external disapproval stimuli the average pot-bellied man receives in a single hour, whether physically or while surfing the web, overweight men may suffer more from low self-esteem. As a way to ‘make up’ for their ‘deficiencies’, they are more prone to lean back on pillows and coddle a woman.  Plus, they are further likely to crack jokes or carry out a light banter that will most likely put the woman at ease – remember, he has ‘staying power’, a full 5 minutes longer, so, he can afford to query, joke, tease, and play. A psychologist may argue that because chubby people give off all these supposed bad first impressions, they tend to negate that by being jocular, talkative and sensitive.

*cuddly=soft, lovable, fluffy, warm, huggable

Older and wiser?

When it comes to experience, you have to hand it down to the older man, after all, your average pot-bellied middle-aged man has a million hours more bedroom time (and thus performance) than does a 20 year old university super stud. Add more charisma, a sheen of confidence, and accomplishment to the mix. Aside from this patina of success, which in itself is a super aphrodisiac to any woman who has her hormones in order, could it be that it is also the ‘fat factor’ that makes a woman glance twice at the pot-bellied man who winks at her from across the room? If he were the exact same age but slender, or skinny, the question arises, would she be as attracted to him?

Phat conclusions

Women – maybe it’s time for you to really look twice and even thrice, at the 12 - 15% dude as a greater-staying-power-possibility and reject the media hype regarding the skinny gym-type jocks.

Men - perchance it’s time to trash all those men’s health magazines, ditch your gym membership and give in to another beer -  plus those double-cheese-king-size burgers that are advertised weekly at your nearest burger joint. After all, why should chubby guys have all the fun?

^{sources: 1}Department of Urology, Erciyes University, Kayseri, Turkey

²Department of Urology, Tayfur Ata Sokmen Medical School, Mustafa Kemal University, Hatay, Turkey

By Nyakio Munyinyi-Okallo • 2013

For The xPenSieve Report

SEXY PUNDA

“Loving someone is not an excuse into bullying them into doing what you want them to do.”

It’s amazing how this argument does not bear credence in an environment where the average membership age is 50+, and especially when it concerns parents and their offspring…. You’ve all seen it, heated arguments between parent and ADULT offspring that ends up with both sides being offended, hurt and probably grievously wounded. 

But parent/child relationship aside, check this out:

FAMILY:

• ·      Spouses
• ·      Bff
• ·      Siblings
• ·      Lovers/ or FwB (as a friend of mine calls them…)
• ·      Teenagers
• (yes, teens bully their parents all the time, it’s an inbuilt mechanism that’s in all of them so they learn how to push parents away so as to gain independence….)
• *any adult that lives under your roof.

Bullying, quiet honestly, calls for a nasty relationship – it doesn’t matter who the bully is - using love as an excuse is a pitiable pretext. And the offended party, although probably quieter,  is usually the one who is more injured. Oh, don’t take me wrong!  The bully is also injured, but it’s a different viewpoint. Theirs is a Sexy Punda ATT. Most likely, with their Rose-coloured-sunglasses they stand on a ledge above the bullshit, so they don’t really perceive the true reality of what the offended is wading in. Oh, and most likely they have a clothes peg stuck on their noses, so they can’t smell the shit either! This being the case, they usually say, “if you don’t do this my way, you can stick down there”,… now that’s really inhuman (and gross!!) isn’t it?

Refusal of their terms usually makes the bully feel ‘hurt’, the ego is prodded and they walk off in a proud huff (this is a mild case) and despite telling the world that they LOVE whoever they are aggressively pushing into their warped space pod that promises to get them to the moon in 2 seconds, they are often overheard spewing and spitting  remarks like: “huh, Let’s see if they will make it on their own!!!!”, or  “what’s wrong with that idiot/fool/ refusing to listen to ME, it’s to their detriment!!” and the worst of all, “let them fail. I won’t help them!” Pigheaded and refusing to shift from their distorted viewpoint, they remain standing alone – stubbornly- in the middle of the road when all traffic has long passed by. -  “Sexy Punda”

No wonder we as a human race are sardonic about the true meaning of LOVE.

What are friends for if they can intimidate and prod you into submission? Rather keep my enemies – at least with them I’m on full time guard. Lower that helmet and you get shot in the brain by a friend or family. And most of the time the nature of the one being bullied is usually sweeter and more generous in nature than the bully. Gosh, why am I stating the obvious??

So, if you genuinely love them, how do you get someone to do what you want them to do without practically throwing a brick at them?

Why is this article so violent?

Lmao.

NYAKIO’S ADVICE:

Answer to Question up there: Step off the ledge and wallow in the slimy stuff is one. If you can’t do that, (yes, it IS gross….) then give them a hand up and talk reasonably while still on the edge of the ledge.  Why not further down the ledge? Because that’s misleading someone. If you pull them off the ledge and turn and walk away towards relative security, they will follow you. If you stop abruptly HALFWAY and turn around, laying out rules, then it will be taken as hostile. But there, right on the edge, that is a more definitive spot that makes it clear that ‘I’ve pulled you out, now the rest is up to you’. That’s the place where you hand out your Golden Rule Book.

Note: Don’t push them back if they still refuse your terms, however irritating they may be.

(And put the brick down. Better yet, throw it into the slime…)

From the edge of the ledge, just turn around and walk away and hope + pray for their best. If they drop back into the slimy stuff, well, then, that’s a whole new (shit) game…

As Stubborn as a Sheep

I love this weather in Nairobi, it’s positively freezing… and I usually go for a walk in the evening  before sun down – just as the wind turns and becomes bitterly cold and chilly. Love it! Love it, love it… so juzi, while I was walking back, give or take a few minutes before darkness hit, I spotted, ahead of me, a man pulling at something. Couldn’t quite make out what ‘it’ was, but the man was tugging at a rope with two hands, his whole body leaning backwards in the effort it took to pull that rope. Why did the image of a sheep pop into my head? Maybe I heard the braying before I saw it.. a quarter size of the man, probably weighing about 45kg, the dumb animal had stiffened it’s legs and refused to budge. Kabisa. I didn’t know whether to laugh or help. I did neither, because as I walked closer, I saw that the man was not of a small build, but very stocky. So why couldn’t he pull his sheep? He weighed thrice tiny me. (2), it was getting darker by the second and he was headed in the opposite direction to LKW*. Nah… I shook my head.  I was of no help…

 I walked on by,  and as I did so, the sheep-puller, shouting and throwing curses, raised his closed fist in the air and proceeded to wallop the animal with a …. Sisal rope…

I burst out laughing.  Was he serious? A sheep - feeling pain?

Hahahahahahaha!!

Two quick thoughts flew into my head.

A. No wonder JC called us humans ‘sheep’. Stubborn. Refusing to move. Small and tirelessly obstinate, people and family are so irritating when it comes to them not seeing your point of view. Not knowing who the boss is.

B. That sheep feel no ‘pain’ as we perceive pain. Horses do, dogs do, maybe cows do, (scratch head)- but Sheep? Covered in a BLANKET of Wool? Hitting with A sisal rope?? Lmao.

Seriously…..

The third thought was the genesis of this article.

Cabbages and Carrots

Question: How do you get a stubborn person into your space-pod? You have extended your hand, they are out of the slime and  are on the ledge, but not yet inside the confines of your flying shiny space-craft that will whizz them into a brighter future.

Answer:  first by understanding that your concept of pain and aggression is not shared by them. You see persuasion. They see something entirely different and will not budge. You will drive yourself into a Sexy Punda catatonic fit by trying to bully your ___________ to see things your way. You’re not a Slave Trader, talented with how to flick your wrist and swing a whip, so flogging anyone into submission shouldn’t flitter through your mind as a viable option.

Plus you will turn them away, sometimes just emotionally and when they can, 8/10, physically. They move away from you. The 2 that are left are plotting your death.

Lmao.

 My final Question: How would my sheep-puller have gotten the silly sheep to follow him without him pushing, pulling, prodding , picking up and carrying or thrashing (both physically and vocally)  the poor animal into moving?

If you do come up with an honest answer for that, land the answer in the reply box below.

Note: The answer will speak volumes on behalf of your Potential to becoming a Non-Bully.

I had thought ‘incentive’ - the proverbial ‘carrot on a stick’, but because this is a sheep, maybe a cabbage leaf would work better….

Using sheep as a really poor example, would it work for us humans?

Maybe it will work in your situation…. Dangle an incentive. You love them, or so you say. So think hard… what type of incentive? Carrots or cabbages?

If this still doesn’t work, then again, walk away… because people aren’t  sheep.

*LKW - Lord knows where.

NYAKIO MUNYINYI-OKALLO © MAY 2013

for The XpenSieve Report