Slender Vs Chubby

The topic of slender vs. chubby in reference to sexual performance in the bed is one which raises ire in many people, mainly due to the theme of ‘sex’ in itself, because of that old taboo  - sex and all bedroom issues are TMI and are not discussed in public, at least not in African culture. Which is both hypocritical and disturbing, as more and more often, sex is being discussed in forums, albeit anonymously, and disturbing because those forums are found in environments that are not favorable to a fun, open, tongue-in-cheek discussion, but in back-rooms where language use is suggestive and sometimes downright foul.  This piece is not a ‘dirty talk’, obscene, gossip piece, but a healthy, educative, amusing prose at how a little fat may go a long way in affecting our sex lives.

When perusing the web, there are numerous sites that blare out the negative side of men adding weight as they approach their middle age. Other sites aren’t picky – they simply plague men from the age of 18 upwards with tons of spam mail sent out by the millions – advertising the sale of products directed towards men - warning them about their large stomachs and challenging them to loose their pot-bellies so as to revert back into sexual beasts. Just incase your imagination is poor, the adverts offer shots of men in before & after photographs, one with the man looking absurdly miserable with a pronounced potbelly, the other of him smiling like a yawning lion – all teeth - while showing off an oiled set of  ‘sexy six packs’.

Groan, to the average man who has tried his level best to loose that ever-growing chunk of fat slowly inching its’ way down/ or up, his chest, covering his well-defined pectoral muscles with a visible layer of fat.

A longer stay in bed

Mature women ‘in-the-know’ smile.  Because while they may not shout it out from the rooftops of their homes, they know that sexual performance is usually rated higher when the man is – yes – chubby!

I kid you not. Researchers at Erciyes University released a study proving that men with excess body fat last longer in bed. The research which was conducted for a year, included both chubby men who had a higher count of body mass index or BMI, and slender to slim, fit and healthy men. The chubbier men were found to have higher levels of the ‘female’ estradiol sex hormone.  But, hands down, it was the chubby men who were placed as front-runners in sexual performance – heavier men were able to last up to 7.3 minutes, as opposed to slender men who lasted only 1.8 minutes!

The same study also shook another other earth-shattering myth – skinny or slim ‘fit’ men suffer more from premature ejaculation – “we found that patients with lifelong premature ejaculation were leaner than the healthy control cases” ,sources: A Gökçe^1,2 and O Ekmekcioglu¹

That’s lab test science. What do women say?

They prefer men with slightly more body fat. Women are inevitably attracted to men with a higher BMI. In another study, this time conducted with women, slender fit men with six-pack abs were tossed aside for men who had 12% more body fat. Why is this? It seems that women can tell by features alone, those men who are more likely to be healthy and who have higher hormone levels. In the study above, women picked men via photographs. These same men had been tested for both hormone and health-immunity levels. Guess what? Yes, all the chubby men that the women selected had higher health immune systems and more of that ‘hunk-stuff’ – testosterone.

Enough of science, can we gossip?

‘It’s all in a man’s head, sometimes when he knows he looks good, a man thinks that’s enough, and doesn’t try hard enough to please a woman.’ True or False?

There may be some truth in this, for a man who knows that he is a bit heavier may, by the very notion that he is at a disadvantage, take the time to study and learn female behavior plus likes and dislikes in bed, while men who spend time in the gym are reputed to spend hours in front of a mirror preening and posing and admiring the perfection of their ‘pecs’.

There is also the quick thought that when the ‘6-packer’ is in the gym tormenting himself for the sake of attracting ladies, the chubby guy is probably browsing bookstores or the web, looking for books with interesting titles such as, ‘How To Give Your Girlfriend 5 Orgasms In An Hour’, or relaxing in an café – I am sure you’ve maybe observed this phenomenon and wondered, ‘huh? what was that?’,  - when you see a chubby guy treating some drop-dead gorgeous female to a delicious fat-filled pizza or ice-cream, both of them giggling and having insane fun!

Humor as an aphrodisiac

Women like being cuddled* by nature and pillow talk after a good romp is usually top 10 on most women’s wish-list. In the past however, African culture dictated such frivolities as outright rubbish, but, today there is a smattering of men who do comply with these new requests and offer ‘humor-in sex’ and ‘pillow-chats’.

Perhaps because of the thousands of external disapproval stimuli the average pot-bellied man receives in a single hour, whether physically or while surfing the web, overweight men may suffer more from low self-esteem. As a way to ‘make up’ for their ‘deficiencies’, they are more prone to lean back on pillows and coddle a woman.  Plus, they are further likely to crack jokes or carry out a light banter that will most likely put the woman at ease – remember, he has ‘staying power’, a full 5 minutes longer, so, he can afford to query, joke, tease, and play. A psychologist may argue that because chubby people give off all these supposed bad first impressions, they tend to negate that by being jocular, talkative and sensitive.

*cuddly=soft, lovable, fluffy, warm, huggable

Older and wiser?

When it comes to experience, you have to hand it down to the older man, after all, your average pot-bellied middle-aged man has a million hours more bedroom time (and thus performance) than does a 20 year old university super stud. Add more charisma, a sheen of confidence, and accomplishment to the mix. Aside from this patina of success, which in itself is a super aphrodisiac to any woman who has her hormones in order, could it be that it is also the ‘fat factor’ that makes a woman glance twice at the pot-bellied man who winks at her from across the room? If he were the exact same age but slender, or skinny, the question arises, would she be as attracted to him?

Phat conclusions

Women – maybe it’s time for you to really look twice and even thrice, at the 12 - 15% dude as a greater-staying-power-possibility and reject the media hype regarding the skinny gym-type jocks.

Men - perchance it’s time to trash all those men’s health magazines, ditch your gym membership and give in to another beer -  plus those double-cheese-king-size burgers that are advertised weekly at your nearest burger joint. After all, why should chubby guys have all the fun?

^{sources: 1}Department of Urology, Erciyes University, Kayseri, Turkey

²Department of Urology, Tayfur Ata Sokmen Medical School, Mustafa Kemal University, Hatay, Turkey

By Nyakio Munyinyi-Okallo • 2013

For The xPenSieve Report

SEXY PUNDA

“Loving someone is not an excuse into bullying them into doing what you want them to do.”

It’s amazing how this argument does not bear credence in an environment where the average membership age is 50+, and especially when it concerns parents and their offspring…. You’ve all seen it, heated arguments between parent and ADULT offspring that ends up with both sides being offended, hurt and probably grievously wounded. 

But parent/child relationship aside, check this out:

FAMILY:

• ·      Spouses
• ·      Bff
• ·      Siblings
• ·      Lovers/ or FwB (as a friend of mine calls them…)
• ·      Teenagers
• (yes, teens bully their parents all the time, it’s an inbuilt mechanism that’s in all of them so they learn how to push parents away so as to gain independence….)
• *any adult that lives under your roof.

Bullying, quiet honestly, calls for a nasty relationship – it doesn’t matter who the bully is - using love as an excuse is a pitiable pretext. And the offended party, although probably quieter,  is usually the one who is more injured. Oh, don’t take me wrong!  The bully is also injured, but it’s a different viewpoint. Theirs is a Sexy Punda ATT. Most likely, with their Rose-coloured-sunglasses they stand on a ledge above the bullshit, so they don’t really perceive the true reality of what the offended is wading in. Oh, and most likely they have a clothes peg stuck on their noses, so they can’t smell the shit either! This being the case, they usually say, “if you don’t do this my way, you can stick down there”,… now that’s really inhuman (and gross!!) isn’t it?

Refusal of their terms usually makes the bully feel ‘hurt’, the ego is prodded and they walk off in a proud huff (this is a mild case) and despite telling the world that they LOVE whoever they are aggressively pushing into their warped space pod that promises to get them to the moon in 2 seconds, they are often overheard spewing and spitting  remarks like: “huh, Let’s see if they will make it on their own!!!!”, or  “what’s wrong with that idiot/fool/ refusing to listen to ME, it’s to their detriment!!” and the worst of all, “let them fail. I won’t help them!” Pigheaded and refusing to shift from their distorted viewpoint, they remain standing alone – stubbornly- in the middle of the road when all traffic has long passed by. -  “Sexy Punda”

No wonder we as a human race are sardonic about the true meaning of LOVE.

What are friends for if they can intimidate and prod you into submission? Rather keep my enemies – at least with them I’m on full time guard. Lower that helmet and you get shot in the brain by a friend or family. And most of the time the nature of the one being bullied is usually sweeter and more generous in nature than the bully. Gosh, why am I stating the obvious??

So, if you genuinely love them, how do you get someone to do what you want them to do without practically throwing a brick at them?

Why is this article so violent?

Lmao.

NYAKIO’S ADVICE:

Answer to Question up there: Step off the ledge and wallow in the slimy stuff is one. If you can’t do that, (yes, it IS gross….) then give them a hand up and talk reasonably while still on the edge of the ledge.  Why not further down the ledge? Because that’s misleading someone. If you pull them off the ledge and turn and walk away towards relative security, they will follow you. If you stop abruptly HALFWAY and turn around, laying out rules, then it will be taken as hostile. But there, right on the edge, that is a more definitive spot that makes it clear that ‘I’ve pulled you out, now the rest is up to you’. That’s the place where you hand out your Golden Rule Book.

Note: Don’t push them back if they still refuse your terms, however irritating they may be.

(And put the brick down. Better yet, throw it into the slime…)

From the edge of the ledge, just turn around and walk away and hope + pray for their best. If they drop back into the slimy stuff, well, then, that’s a whole new (shit) game…

As Stubborn as a Sheep

I love this weather in Nairobi, it’s positively freezing… and I usually go for a walk in the evening  before sun down – just as the wind turns and becomes bitterly cold and chilly. Love it! Love it, love it… so juzi, while I was walking back, give or take a few minutes before darkness hit, I spotted, ahead of me, a man pulling at something. Couldn’t quite make out what ‘it’ was, but the man was tugging at a rope with two hands, his whole body leaning backwards in the effort it took to pull that rope. Why did the image of a sheep pop into my head? Maybe I heard the braying before I saw it.. a quarter size of the man, probably weighing about 45kg, the dumb animal had stiffened it’s legs and refused to budge. Kabisa. I didn’t know whether to laugh or help. I did neither, because as I walked closer, I saw that the man was not of a small build, but very stocky. So why couldn’t he pull his sheep? He weighed thrice tiny me. (2), it was getting darker by the second and he was headed in the opposite direction to LKW*. Nah… I shook my head.  I was of no help…

 I walked on by,  and as I did so, the sheep-puller, shouting and throwing curses, raised his closed fist in the air and proceeded to wallop the animal with a …. Sisal rope…

I burst out laughing.  Was he serious? A sheep - feeling pain?

Hahahahahahaha!!

Two quick thoughts flew into my head.

A. No wonder JC called us humans ‘sheep’. Stubborn. Refusing to move. Small and tirelessly obstinate, people and family are so irritating when it comes to them not seeing your point of view. Not knowing who the boss is.

B. That sheep feel no ‘pain’ as we perceive pain. Horses do, dogs do, maybe cows do, (scratch head)- but Sheep? Covered in a BLANKET of Wool? Hitting with A sisal rope?? Lmao.

Seriously…..

The third thought was the genesis of this article.

Cabbages and Carrots

Question: How do you get a stubborn person into your space-pod? You have extended your hand, they are out of the slime and  are on the ledge, but not yet inside the confines of your flying shiny space-craft that will whizz them into a brighter future.

Answer:  first by understanding that your concept of pain and aggression is not shared by them. You see persuasion. They see something entirely different and will not budge. You will drive yourself into a Sexy Punda catatonic fit by trying to bully your ___________ to see things your way. You’re not a Slave Trader, talented with how to flick your wrist and swing a whip, so flogging anyone into submission shouldn’t flitter through your mind as a viable option.

Plus you will turn them away, sometimes just emotionally and when they can, 8/10, physically. They move away from you. The 2 that are left are plotting your death.

Lmao.

 My final Question: How would my sheep-puller have gotten the silly sheep to follow him without him pushing, pulling, prodding , picking up and carrying or thrashing (both physically and vocally)  the poor animal into moving?

If you do come up with an honest answer for that, land the answer in the reply box below.

Note: The answer will speak volumes on behalf of your Potential to becoming a Non-Bully.

I had thought ‘incentive’ - the proverbial ‘carrot on a stick’, but because this is a sheep, maybe a cabbage leaf would work better….

Using sheep as a really poor example, would it work for us humans?

Maybe it will work in your situation…. Dangle an incentive. You love them, or so you say. So think hard… what type of incentive? Carrots or cabbages?

If this still doesn’t work, then again, walk away… because people aren’t  sheep.

*LKW - Lord knows where.

NYAKIO MUNYINYI-OKALLO © MAY 2013

for The XpenSieve Report

A VAMPIRE LYFE

The past two weeks have been a personal nightmare for me, actually not Night mare, more like DAYmare - or SUNmare – or Heat mare, because the weather has been hot. Not just hot, but hot hot like a red hot chilli!  Heatwave in Dar. And I am suffering from that thing that hits women when they are over 45 years of age, known as …. Hot flushes.

So, in an attempt to avoid the heat, mine has become a Vampire Life….

Ok….not a blood-drinking evil creature, but 

when I think of a being who purposely avoids sunlight, the name Vampire hits the spot. What is amusing is that despite me being a full-blooded African woman with no mlami blood in my system, I actually get hurt by the sun!! It’s painful!!  So, okay, This is Dar…..where temperatures get to over 38 degrees easy … at night. According to Google, I should be in a climate no warmer than 16 ˚C/40˚F

So. Bottom line. I’m hot. Very.

And the weather is my competition.

What a laugh!

Heat flushes…. Woiyee. Ladies, that’s why, no lie, they are called Hot Flushes. Who among you women are feeling me? I thought it was a joke but its true, its not a myth. In my looking for solutions and surfing the internet I came across a comment: that women from developing countries do not get Heat Flushes and menopausal symptoms!! I rolled on the floor laughing at the lie, so all you ladies approaching 50…beware!

Staying indoors during the day in dark cool rooms with drawn curtains is preferable to gallivanting in the sun like a  gazelle in the Mara, and even they look for shade under leafy trees!!  It’s to be avoided. Being out in the sun that is….

Symptoms include feeling lethargic during the day and being completely unable to complete even the smallest task because my blood feels like it’s boiling and at the same time I’m pouring buckets of sweat, i.e, I’m sweating buckets -  Jamaani, if I could package and sell salt I’d be rich, eeyuu!! Hahahahaha! Wish I could see the look on your face….. hahahaha, but really, the days are so draining by the time it’s 6pm I am almost out of my mind with – I don’t know what– it’s not quite just the physical exhaustion, but mental as well, it’s like I need a blood transfusion of cold cold blood or a freezing cold super energy drink or SPINACH!! Who remembers Pop-Eye the sailor man??

If it’s not ice-cold I don’t want it, but I’m told ‘dawa ya moto ni moto’… so sometimes I make myself masala tea and sit under a fan sweating like a crazy woman.. I wonder how much longer before my brains blow out? Or maybe they have and I just don’t know it and kids and hubby are planning on taking me on a short one way trip to MMH. It may be a preferable solution.

For whom? (Hands to my lips) – Not me.

So, not yet. I will get meds for my overactive hormones and be a druggie – live on drugs and hormone therapy. Although I so dislike ‘estrogen’ ‘let’s share’ moments, I guess a pill will help. Or better yet, simply move to cooler climes and say bye-bye to this Hole of Heat...

But let me ask you - How do you cope with hot situations? Are you facing a particularly hot and hellish, sticky and sweaty situation with no solution that you can see?

Another Q: Is it easier to keep warm in the cold, or cool in hot weather? I guess it’s a matter of preference. Some, like me, can’t literally stand heat and wilt physically and mentally. Others thrive on heat and hot situations where the adrenalin rush is what they feed off to survive.  I think that is why when type A personalities know things will get erratic they don’t change course or go to a place with a cooler climate. They will take the heat and be the Last Man Standing, thriving on the Adventures of the Unexpected.

That’s good if life or fate throw you Ace cards but, only 1% of the Earth’s population are billionaires. The rest of us are chickens scrambling on the ground for seeds.

So for you, the 99%, what happens when Facing Heat in your life??

Come to Dar and you will think your hot problem is nothing but hot air – hmm -  but you know….… often times when people resort to comparisons I get so mad… let me expound…

You may be going through a bad phase in your life and when you share, the advice you get is ‘why are you complaining  -  the Indians in South India or Bangladesh have it much worse than you! Be THANKFUL!!’ or… ‘huh, at least you’re not living in Kibs’, or ‘you have a job… what are you complaining about, you know so-and-so doesn’t have a job and they are trusting God and smiling…’.

I feel bad and really rotten at the comparison. Like a worm. So ungrateful….

Then I get mad. Coz I’m not an Indian from Southern India and the thing is, I AM going through a bad phase. There is no instrument anywhere that can gauge the depth of suffering or misery and it is a terrible thing to receive ‘comparative’ advice.

Plus it is not acceptable behavior to get mad with God, it is seen as small-minded when you like, shout at Him and tell Him, ‘Dude, I hate my life!! Wass’up? I have done all I CAN DO, I pray, I am a good person, I give to the poor, I love you, I am not a murderer, I have sacrificed, WHY AM I STILL SUFFERING?’

Then, being truthful about your bad  is unacceptable and seen as a complaint.

Friend: How are you?

You: Sick

Friend: Oh

You: Yeah

Friend: So… how you feeling?

You: Sick and yukky

Friend: Gosh, you’re such a grouch!

Should we lie then?

There are so few Good Samaritans in today’s world that rush over to your house with hot soup when you’re ill, or in my case, friends rushing here with huge tubs of freezing ice-cream. Or maybe I am learning the mettle of my few friends…

LMAO!!

Moving on…. what I have observed is that when someone speaks the truth and claims negativity in their life, someone somewhere will be the Doctor of Philosophy and spew out that pathetic statement in a high receptionists ‘how can I help you’ tone…. ‘Try harder!’.

It’s a statement that assumes that you haven’t already looked at all the different resolutions (it’s your life!!).  It also assumes that life is a road paved with gold bricks when actually life is more like seeing the gold brick in someone’s compound and you KNOW you can’t touch that!

So because of the above, my observation is that people would rather lie or die than admit to being in hot and sticky situations. And their friends would rather not hear about it.

Obviously not me, but the diff is;  I laugh at myself.

I know my heat flushes will pass. (Google says about 10 years….) Everything does eventually. Pass.

Meanwhile I will do all I can to cope.  If living like a Vamp does it for me…. Well…Its part of the journey so I might as well enjoy it.

Nyakio’s Weird Adivce

Hot and sticky situation? Do whatever works for you because your situation is a reality. Scream, shout, jump up and down if it will help, but admit that it’s real. In other words, accept that you’re in too deep and some aspects of your life stink right now. Don’t pretend to yourself. In English, that is called Denial.  And Denial is not a river in Africa.

Punch a wall? Lol! No. A boxing punching bag works better. You can kick it too, and all with your headphones on and the music blaring in your ears. Nyummy!

If there is something that you can’t afford to do  - whether emotionally or physically, then  - Don’t.

If the sun hurts you, then keep OUT of it. If you can’t live in a cold climate, don’t move to Alaska. If the Doc said no salt in your diet, then don’t even LOOK at salt. If you can’t afford that car, then walk on by..

One day, I will stop being a Vampiric recluse and slowly begin emerging in the light of day. And your troubles… they too will end, because you will progressively work towards a solution but – hey,  remember that you may not get an instant cure or Miracle. And who says instant is better anyway? I love my coffee brewed, not instant.  As with coffee, so with life sometimes. It will take a while longer to brew, but don’t you just love the aroma of coffee as it’s brewing?  With life not all solutions are instant and it doesn’t help to try and hurry it along. Instead, make a sandwich to eat with the coffee - enjoy sunrises and sunsets and your children while you work out your problem. Whether it takes 5 days, or 5 years, it is temporary so don’t obsess with the negative, look for the joke.  Because seriously, do you expect me to not smile for 10 years??

Impossible.

So - find the fun, laugh a lot at yourself. Take photos now for memories and gather a collection of them together in a scrapbook (or online) to laugh at later, and to mark your life process. Good medicine that.

Or travel to Uganda and find the source of de Nile….

© NYAKIO MUNYINYI-OKALLO for The XpenSiev Report, March 2013