SILENT LETTERS [a satire]

On ‘Observing’ and ‘Being Observed’:-

Have you watched the movie Django?? If you haven’t you must be the only non-mlami this side of E.Africa that hasn’t, so put off your TV, stop watching Citizen and find a pirated copy to watch (duh! They are ALL pirated so stop lying to yourself and your shildrens…)

…But he (Django)would say, ‘ I have observed there are 42 tribes in Kenya…. The ‘4’ … (pause)..is silent..’

Things I have Observed:

Following the vote-counting process has been like taking a small single-engine plane to either Mt. Kilimanjaro or over the Rift Valley in really rotten weather. One second you’re up, the next second you’re down, the shift nauseates you, you don’t know which results to believe, conferences are cancelled last minute, GoverWho’s? are celebrating while the rest of us are still…. awake like zombies with Compound Eyes, waiting…, at the back of my mind is the fear that someone will say something really really stupid that will spark off a raging forest fire, I’m on my knees half the time, my nails are fake so I can’t chew them, the rest of my time I’m eyeballing Citizen or K24, and LHMercy, I have never in my life been so addicted to TWEETS!!

Other Things I have also Observed:-

Kenyans are blind and want to be blind and believe in blindness. This is a good thing, because we (all 42) are actually listening to each other when we advice one other (2, or 42?) to ‘have faith’ and ‘be patient’.

I looked up ‘faith’. It means ‘believing in what you can’t see’.

I looked up ‘patient’. It means ‘ bearing pains or trials CALMLY or without complaint’.

#Kudos2Kenyans. Give yourself a huge pat on the back. We are, most of us, practicing Patience, so add a ‘Dr’ infront of your name on your business card. Eg:-

Dr. Dre

Practicing Patience &

Blind Faith Clinic

(Note: If you need help with your patience or faith just sing out really loud ‘I need a Doctor’…) because practicing blind faith and leaning on patience is one of the hardest things on Earth to do. Trust me, I am a certified Doc.

Plus, I am proud to say that I am blind, I hold on to the belief that we shall continue being a peaceful peoples and nation in the days, weeks, months and years to come.  Please don’t prove me wrong dude, Sasa…..

More on Observing:-

….will someone please tell me where on Earth THARAKA-NITHI is?

I hear it’s a good place to go. Domestic Tourism.. Yes, I am asking where it is despite my claim that after staring at THAT MAP, you know, THAT MAP which changed colour every 5 seconds – THAT MAP, eeh, yah, I stared at THAT MAP for so long bila blinking that I can now draw, without tracing, all the counties in Kenya and name each one of them.

Well, THARAKA-NITHI eludes me.

But I would still get 50 + 1% on the map exam….. and now I know my mathematics, eerrrr… equations. Even if you add a y factor to the equation. Like (y= 50+1%)SEAT or should it be v+y(50+1)%=MV where v=votes and MV=Majority Vote??? Yes, now I don’t have to sing to Superman’s Theme song when helping my son with his Grade 7 math homework.. (Somebody heeeelP ME!)

Further Observations:-

… I will search for T.NITHI on Google international.

Eeh, sorry, google.ke.

Is Google a (media?) Can we trust Google? The Kenyan Media is doing a terrific job while we’re largely ignoring inflammatory remarks from the Internationals. Another #Kudos. You’re either with us or against us.

And guess what?? I can now also count fluently in Swa upto one million and I’m not blanking-out when the anchors say ‘nokta’.

Tuko pamoja??

On 'Being Observed':-

Hmm, my pet peeve this week is that while the 42 tribes have been lining up and voting, then waiting patiently for selected members of the 42 tribesmen to count first digitally then later manually (yaani, ukweli, the world has been moving from manual to digital and we’re doing the opposite!!#HatuWesMake) the results of whom of the 2 got the most votes for the 4^th Prezzo Seat, guess what, some irresponsible dude is trying to sell off a piece of Gazetted Land of Kenya to some ‘Internationals’ for a paltry* sum of money.. oops, did I say land? Maybe that’s why it’s being sold, because it’s not Land pe se but a part of the ocean, a marine park, as in ocean, sea, maji, waters -  yup…

screen pic of Private Islands online

But, it still is within Kenya’s Boundary, even though it’s a bit of land in a lot of water, it’s still ours. Do you know a good shark that can look into this pro-bono?? Email me or tweet on #KeSaveKISITE. Plus be sentimental for a sec and check that nice pretty pic on the side, isn’t it amazing?? I reeaally wish  I was a RB right now coz I’d buy that Island just to keep it in KE.

More on 'Being Observed':

So, what have you been doing while the majority of the silent ‘4’2 have been glued to their sets?? Hmm?? Mama’s asking.

Have you been good or bad, or very - very bad?

Hmm….

Have you been at play, while the cat’s been away?

The individual selling the Marine Park gets my 100% BAD tick in the box. He’s not being… transparent. Someone spotted him.

Observation: What matters is your level of transparency when it’s dark, no pun intended. Are you see-through in the dark? Invisible? If I shouted MULIKA!! at you this past week, would someone spot you and shout MWIZI?? Who have you caught grabbing transformer oil (..but y lie, those chipos are tamu!!)

I think that is what really decides who you ARE as a person, an individual - it denotes your character. Why be good when you’re being watched? It proves Zero. Nothing. Zilch.

…. Noticed anything fishy going on in your home or workplace apart from the boss being away and turning into a couch-viazi?

2 things to think about:

1. The International Community is watching us. We’re being good. What would happen if they weren’t watching? Or if KE was still in the Dark Ages (Before Twitter, FB, B4 report hate lineSMS and #KOT) Would we be still be governed by blind faith and patience?

2. Only Women should be Presidents. Because on top of everything else, they still do housework and clean up whether they are watched or not.. and if they can’t do it they employ someone who can, and pay them with the husband’s money. Or if they can’t do it during the day they do it at night.

A Final Observation:-

Ok, now, please check these numbers: It’s a test

5,829,279

4,859,698

Observe them closely…..the NUMBERS

AGAIN.

Repeat them in Swa.

Now, if you have nowhere near those numbers in your ka-bank account in Ksh(and hell, I know you don’t) then haaiya!! twende kazi ! Because in the end it’s what’s in your BA that counts and that is no BS.

(1)Stop breaking the Mututho Law, Mututho has already been broken and thrown out…(2) sleep arrears is not a bank account and if it’s true that it takes 7 days to break a habit, then all our thieves have been re-habilitated as they can’t burgle your house while you’re all awake…. So, can we agree to be transparent in the dark and go back to work, Kenyan workers for Kenyan bosses and Kenyan Bank Accounts, and build our beautiful nation? After all, it belongs to 42 of us, no silent letters.

THE END

((Ladies you’re exempt from that last remark as we’re good at doing things in the dark and still remain invisible… sorry-Transparent)

*I use the term ‘paltry’ because MPUNGUTI KISITE MARINE PARK is described as priceless

© NYAKIO MUNYINYI-OKALLO March 2013 for The X-Pensieve Report.

The Dream Killer

New Year’s resolutions are about as bad a promise to self as has ever been invented.

I think.

No, really… you make a promise to self based on …. What exactly? Emotions or hype or the whole brewery of alcohol in your bod after a season of non-stop henging, hangeez and travelling, relaz (some horrid) and friends too numerous to count, meat eating, actually - over-eating, ENO, over-spending, blowing budgets…. and overabundance in general…..and ….. don’t look at your screen like that…. Yes, it’s true!!!

Or is your NYR based on total sobriety? Ok, maybe it may hold.

Or maybe not.

My status on FB via Twitter: My #New Year’s Resolution is Not to Make a Resolution...

I got 1 like.

(sniff, sniff!)

(thanks Tenderman!)

But I am seriously fed up of dreams that end up deader than the extinct dodo after a few weeks or months. And having to repeat the same silly NYR at the beginning of the following year. Plus, if that’s not sad enough – that is, me brooding over my own fallen dreams - I have to listen to the collapsed dreams of half a dozen of my friends and colleagues and anyone else who shares with me. Is it just me or do you get some of that fallout too? People coming up to you and sharing a collapsed venture or business idea that blew out the bulb, couldn’t hack that voltage, or a love lost (so go write a Country song! Aiyee!) or a lack of school fees or irate landlord demanding rent which isn’t there (…write a rap song??) or some such lost hope story until..?? you know, you wonder, what? Is this Life?

And don’t dare someone tell you (or me!!) that ancient stupid adage about ‘aiming for the Sun so if you fail and get to the Moon it’s okay, at least you’re out of Earths Orbit’

Or,

Set your heights a little lower-

                                                             -         

                                                                - 

                                                                  - (is this low enough?)

                                                                                     -  How low can you go?

Or,

Your expectations are too grand!

Or

…. The worst….

Be Real.

‘Nyakio’, a well-meaning friend at Uni once told me years ago when I was 21, of my ‘dreams’, ‘that’s all very well said and done, but how are you going to finance it? You have to LIVE you know. Kill those thoughts!’

I learnt then what Jesus meant when He said, ‘Don’t let your right hand know what your left hand is doing…’ because wah, girl killed my dream right there! Well.. she didn’t actually, but I was seriously wounded and bruised.

Is it that bruise that made me be extra diligent and throw my ‘kio’ (my name means hardworking…) into my life in an attempt to prove that I could achieve what I set out to do, because I did, dangling my victorious efforts in front of her in a childish show of  ‘nya nya na boo boo! I did it! I did it!?

Or did my dreams come true because they were MY dreams?  … because I didn’t abandon them in a ditch like unwanted un-necessary trash despite what my Uni girlfriend said?

What is it that makes your dreams come true? No seriously? Is it planning and strategy? Dreaming and Thinking? Faith in God, in yourself, in your mission? Prayers? Work? Lady Luck and that Fickle dude, Fate?

Or all of the above?

Whichever….

But please, like a vampire fleeing from the Sun and Garlic (now you see him now you don’t, whoosh!) or like a pikipiki weaving  and wizzing in and out of traffic on Uhuru Highway to get You to the Airport in time, stay clear of The Dream Killer. The Dream Killer is like putting salt on a slug.

eeesshhhh!!!! Yuk!!

and yah....

Do you drive? Ever had an accident? Nothing is worse than sitting in the drivers seat and looking at your rear-view mirror and seeing the mess of a pile-up you’ve caused behind you, mangled wrecks and broken limbs, destroyed lives and lost hopes…

That’s what The Dream Killer does. Kills your dreams. Dead.

If you’re female, the Dream killer is a gorgeous hunk in whatever form of dress or undress you want him to be in. If you’re male, then the Dream Killer is ….

Duh! A hot She!

Seductive, intent, ruthless, The Dream Killer slides, worm, slithers into your thoughts, poisoning them, robbing you of hope, faith, ability in self, all the while colouring your life with a glossy sheen of ‘I’m okay, I should be grateful for what I have’, even if you’re working a mundane-boring-low paid j-o-b, or living in a pile of filth in the middle of a slum. Lethargy, broken promises and procrastination litter the rooms of your life like trash on the floor. Ineptitude, a certain horrid care-lessness and lack lustre look at life through dirty spotted spectacles. Or scratched shades, depending on what you place infront of your eyes…

Or maybe depression and a heavy-cement load of low-self esteem on your back and pushing your shoulders down that just won’t go so where is my bottle of alcohol please Waiter!

Sometimes I look around and give up, Me talking to Myself, ‘what’s the point anyway of trying to make this better anyway, I can’t do it alone, it’s hopeless!’  That is seriously seductive thinking from The Dream Killer. 

Hang on….! Let’s go back a bit….

Seductive from the word: seduce |siˈd(y)o͞os|verb [ with obj. ]attract (someone) to a belief or into a course of action that is inadvisable or foolhardy:

Your  spiteful friend, or absent father, or shrew of a wife, or horrid hubby, or jealous boss, whoever! It could be your gardener or housegirl -  but, it’s someone  who shoots down each of your shared dreams like a hyperactive kid playing Call-Of-Duty on his dad’s latest iMac - 27” display – with surround speakers…. Coz it happens, you know?? A word casually dropped, here,                          or there,

and

((((((((((((((BOOOooooommmmmmmmbbbbBBBBB)))))))))))

That’s the Dream Killer. Works on you so bad that you forget to pursue your dream.

And next year, Jan 1^st  2014, guess what?? 

New Year’s Resolution.

Your rear view mirror? A broken past, which occurred while you’ve been sleeping with the enemy, carvoting and dancing to his tune, eating horrendous meals with and listening to The Dream Killer.

Maybe what you and I should do is make our NYR’s now.

Now  that we’re not in a state of Euphoria or heady giddy excitement or drunk or hungover or for those lucky ones who were sexually sated..Psst! The Honeymoon is over, children are back in school, fees paid, banks stripped bare, we’ve done 3 weeks in, 2 Sundays of Church, back-to-the-grind at work, barren fridgid fridges, nadanadanada……

Now maybe we can make an appropriate and sober NYR.

CONTRACT WITH ME, MYSELF AND I.

This year, I _______________________________________ (your name)

Will avoid, at any cost,

The Dream Killer and His/Her antics, seductiveness, charms, or any other nonsense He/She will send my way or try to convince me otherwise.

Instead,

I will pick my Dreams up, wash them, care for them, nurture them, I will feed my Dreams with nutritious meals, watch them grow, let them sleep when necessary, laugh, smile, dance and have joy in my dreams. I will never let go of or discard my Dreams.

When my Dreams fall, I will pick them up, dust them off and nudge them gently towards the race.

I will focus, believe in myself, hope in all things good, have faith, pray, work really hard, smile some more, laugh often, give hugs freely, all for my Dreams, because, whatever they are,  they are Mine and I believe I will get there!

Signed,

(Your signature)

© NYAKIO MUNYINYI-OKALLO JANUARY 2013